


Anything But A Replacement

by orphan_account



Series: Anything But A Replacement [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Child Abuse, Coping, Depressing, Drug Use, Everyone Is Gay, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, Fluff and Smut, Gay, Homophobia, It Gets Worse, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Original Fiction, Rape/Non-con Elements, Roleplay, Romance, School Shootings, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, fuck chandler, gay shit, im so sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:48:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 22
Words: 79,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25734556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: A few friends dealing with their friend's suicide and learning how to cope and heal while trying to avoid their homophobic parents and school bully who soon reveals to be much darker.
Relationships: Helen x Brooklyn, Louis x Chandler, Markus x Nicholas, Shawn x Matthew
Series: Anything But A Replacement [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1866751
Kudos: 1





	1. Prologue

Hello, and welcome to ABR. Just a warning that this story is intended for mature audiences. It includes topics such as rape, abuse, death, suicide, and self harm. If you are uncomfortable with these topics you have been warned. 

Do not try and repeat any of the actions in this book. <3

Hope you enjoy


	2. Freshmen In Highschool

**August 21, 2015**  
Brook Primrose had always been a normal child, her life up taking a series of events. Some of those instances were plagued with sorrow, therefore they were cut into pieces and crammed into the back of her memory, only at the worst times digging their way out. With great ease, the memories were repressed by overwhelming benevolent feelings. 

She had a loving mother, and despite the lack of a father, that was all that he needed. She and her mother had an amiable connection, much stronger than the relationship most teenagers held with their mothers. Precocious in nature, she also excelled in school, taking honors classes and passing with ease. Most of all, she had normal friends and was moderately liked within the grade. 

While her relationship with her mother stayed the same, other things did not. It was mid-summer when they had moved to Porchelec, a relatively large town that resided in a hilly terrain. Moving was always terrifying, and for freshman year in high school there was no exception to that. 

“There will be other new kids too.” Brook would be told as the date of school began to approach. 

“It’s a very nice school.” Was another constant. She would always strain from shuddering at the constant reminders. All she wanted was to fit in, be another person in the crowd who didn’t rise above nor drop below. The reminders laded her with newfound anxiety despite the irony that the remarks were intended to strip her from any worry she had about school.

The day came, as it always did, August 21st, the day that school began. A perspiring sweat resting constantly as a limp hand slapped against the alarm clock. Weighted linen blankets weighed down on Brook, a complete impediment in her wake. It was accompanied by the nagging voice in her head that screamed at her to go back to sleep.

‘Staying up until three in the morning on the first day of school? Great idea.’ She thought, glancing over at the book which rested under her left arm. Her gaze was phased with the liquid of morning tears, clotted behind her lashes as she looked at the blue gradient of colors that painted the cover of the book.

She suddenly let out a very verbal groan as her mother rightfully took a stance, saying the alarm clock had clearly not done its job, still obnoxiously ringing. 

“Brooklyn, Wake up! I know you aren’t used to taking the bus, but if you miss it then you’ll have to walk.” She yelled from the doorway. As per usual, Brook turned over, cupping her pillow over her ears and allowing an unholy screech to be let out from her hold. The covers were ripped off of her body, allowing a flow of freezing air to slap against her bare skin, settling into the point she was desperate to jump up and retrieve a robe. 

Her long black hair was tangled in front of her face, blocking most of her view as she raised from the bed. She swore that she was going just a little insane from the lack of sleep, yanking herself out of bed, then sloppily leaning against the wall. 

Mrs. Primrose walked over, pushing her daughter’s terribly messy hair behind her ear. Each matted strand landing into equally mangled stability behind the lobe. She smiled as the warm, nearly mellifluous words pressed against her lips. They flowed in such a simple manner, but one that allowed her daughter’s shoulders to lower.  
“I promise you that you’ll have no problem making friends.” In her soul, Brooklyn had no doubt that everything her mother said was in the realm of truth, but doubt always managed to seep through, despite her best attempts. 

Once her mother had vacated from the area, flicking off the fan which she had so rudely turned on, Brook began to get ready. To say Brook wasn’t organized was a complete lie, though the state of her bedroom would say otherwise. Her routine was secretly kept the same for each school morning as it always had. It was nearly thought to be a tangible sense of organization. It was just that stringent.

First, she changed into her clothing, a white shirt underneath an army green vest completed by some black pants and heeled boots, perhaps making her look just a little bit taller. It gave her a simple, yet stylish appearance, but the messy hair had to be fixed. Always before makeup, she would brush and press her hair, trying it back at the very end of her hair, creating almost a flowy blanket of silky hair. 

Her makeup was then done to absolute perfection, and by that, she meant putting on concealer and the occasional mascara before rushing downstairs. Now, her new home was amazing, decorated to a modern and nature embracing style. The natural wood and plants gave a very eco-friendly topography and a fresh smell to the house. 

Her room rested on the second floor of the house along with a small office and her mother’s room. The first floor was an open landscape when it came to the living room and kitchen, but broke into smaller rooms with the laundry room and bathroom. Each morning, the house would smell like fresh coffee. Vanilla being an umber tone that lingered deep in the olfactory sensation.

That particular morning, she skipped down the stairs, bag completely empty with the exception of a few pencils and her laptop. Her mother smiled at her, nudging to the window. To Brook’s horror, the bus was already right outside of her house, and snatching a handful of cereal spoke to her mother.

“Bye, mom! Love you!” Her voice was muffled but clearly heard by the mother.

“Good luck. Love you too.” She spoke, calm as the door clicked open and her daughter ran like her life depended on it. The boiling summer breeze prepending to the drips of sweat that had lingered on the textile of her skin. 

Brook pursed her lips the moment she found her feet scuffing against the cheap floor of the bus, swiftly wringing herself around the stairs and staring over the crowds of children all sitting and talking, some on their phones. It made sense that her house was one of the last blocks to be picked up, she did live pretty far away. 

Brooklyn

It seemed that the back row with five whole seats was the only row open, and even back there sat two boys, one with crutches leaning against the wall of the bus, and staring off outside the window, his headphones locked into a strict position on his head. He had dark black hair and glasses, his expression could only be described as one of distinct melancholy.

The other boy had dirty blonde hair and was sitting on the opposite side of the depressing kid. I passed the kid in headphones a sympathetic smile only for him to pull up his hood and sharply look away from me to the furthest extent that he could.

"He's in a mood. I shouldn't tell you anything, but he broke his leg yesterday." The other kid said, patting a seat that was next to him. He looked like the charming type, possibly a popular kid. My mother always told me never to mingle with them, and I agreed that they tended to be trouble, and this guy gave off those vibes. 

"Really, poor guy. What happened? I'm Brooklyn, er, Brooklyn Primrose." I hesitantly introduced myself, taking note of the collared shirt and jacket tied around his waist. Perhaps, he was more of the nerdy type. 

"Louis Beckett, and that I don't know. I can confirm that he fell from a roof. Everyone has been arguing over whether he jumped, tripped, or was pushed. Shawn is my friend, and I don't believe that he'd try to kill himself, but then again my other friends who found him said they didn't think it was any of their business asking, and now I'll probably never know if Shawn sulks in the corner all day." I felt my heartstrings being pulled, already some kid had fallen from a roof. 

His motives weren't known, and he didn't talk about it. The bruises on his face and wrists indicated that either he took a bad beating or took a horrible fall, that of which is hard to believe. It is possible, but just slipping off a roof wasn't exactly something that happened often. 

The guy didn't look like the happiest person ever, but he didn't look suicidal. Though, I didn't even know what that meant. What did someone who wanted to take their own life look like? This kid just looked depressed and lonely. 

"He's your friend and your friends found him?" I questioned, partially wondered why he wasn't there if the three of them were. Louis ran his phalanges against the fluffy mess of hair that rested on his head, explaining as he did so. 

"Yeah, we were all going to meet with each other to go play Plague of Death together. I didn't want to go and decided to hang out with some other friends instead. Next thing I know Markus and Nicholas are screaming over the phone about having to bring Shawn to the hospital." I thought about that for a second. 

If Shawn was from another friend group and had jumped from a roof hoping he would die then that meant he wasn't particularly well-liked. Based on the whole hoodie and headphone style, he was probably part of the outcasted group. 

Louis took a deep breath and leaned back. His "other friends" were more important than a PoD session with his buddies? I already had an uncomfortable urge to mark Louis as a bad friend. Instead, I tried to speak, calmly talking to him about a lighter topic.

"Your friends like PoD?" A nod was my response, delivered with the swift movement of his head, and laid back smile. 

"Shawn usually hosts it. He has a whole room dedicated to just chilling and playing video games. It's just a little boring to me, but I don't wanna tell him that. He can be a bit of an ass." Louis explained, his voice still calm, showing no pity for his friend. Perhaps, he'd already panicked or he was attempting to impress me, the new girl. I couldn't help but take in a deep breath, sighing a little. 

"What do you mean? He looks pretty solitary and calm." I said, staring over at Shawn. The dark hoodie covering his body and decorated headphones that rested atop his ears giving him the feel of a normal kid. His expression lay calm as he stared out the window aimlessly. He was in thought, no doubt. 

"You don't know him. He's kinda the school freak, but again don't tell him I said that. It's just what people think of him. Sometimes I wonder how his friends tolerate him when he's all emotional. Nick is emotional to a certain degree, but he does theater, so him I'll give a pass on that. Mark though, he's a geeky kid just like me. I like Shawn, but not when he's all upset." My opinion on Louis changed again. He was refusing to help his friend when he was sad, and maybe Shawn was a moody guy, but if he was actually depressed surely having his friend mention he's the school freak and pain wasn't helping.

I didn't keep my mouth shut, there was no way I would after hearing all of that. So, after a moment of processing his harsh wording, I spoke up for the hoodie kid, not knowing him and not wanting to judge him yet. Louis was being a complete jerk in my opinion, but then again he seemed to be advising me not to hang around Shawn. 

"So you don't care? He quote on quote fell off of a roof and is regularly unpredictable with his emotions. Now he's not even speaking. Don't you see how that sounds to me, not to be rude." Louis flinched, but came to an easy composure. His voice remaining just as slick as his suave speech. It wouldn't surprise me if he were a good liar, the confident smile and quick thinking just slightly off putting to me. 

"Listen let me justify myself. Everyone else is freaking out but they don't look at the picture. He goes up on that roof almost every single night. He's been moody since February, but the not speaking is him being rightfully upset that people are going to ask him what happened." I supposed that it made sense, but I really just wanted to believe Louis for the sake of both him and Shawn. 

The bus came to a halt and I quickly stood to my feet, slinging my backpack over my arms. The fabric lightly rested on my shoulders. 

"See you around, Brook." Louis said, hopping up, his hair bouncing with the movement. I stared at him for a moment, not sure if I was entranced or shocked by the news. 

I stood accidentally crowding the isle, my mind racing as it tried to catch up with the present. Luckily, it was bumped forward as Shawn accidentally bumped into me in his discreet attempt to get out of the bus. 

His hood was already down, so I watched as he raised the right headphone cushion from his ear.

"Sorry, Brook." He murmured, causing my heart to skip a beat. My whole body came to an abrupt halt as he pressed his headphones back to his head, speed walking out of the vehicle. 

I never introduced myself to him, but either he remembered me from when I toured the school back in September, or he had in fact heard something- not necessarily all- of what Louis had said to me. 

I quickly stepped outside, finally free of the smell of the rubbery and hot bus, staring amongst the large structure of the school. I could identify the cliques, the bratty basic girls, the jocks, loner kids, artsy kids, and of course the general population who just clung into smaller groups of normal friends. 

Almost letting it close in the palm of my hand, I caught the door before it closed, pushing it wide open for the people behind me to catch as I stared through the hallways. The LED lit halls run with noise of reuniting, stories of fun summers shared between friends. I made my way to my locker, ignored and disregarded by everyone I walked by. 

I turned the corner into a less crowded hallway where I was sure my locker was located. People were still talking, but not loud enough to the point I was blind to other noises. The obnoxious sound of lockers squeaking and the occasional slam of a textbook as someone fumbled and dropped theirs to the ground. 

Those noises seemed almost habitual to a school. My cheeks glistened with sweat as I realized that I was struggling to find my locker, despite having visited it weeks before to deliver my books. Attempting to navagate the labyrynth was near impossible, and I quickly slipped past everyone. 

Everyone seemed to have someone to talk to and everything seemed to be in place. Genuinely, it felt like a nice and joyous environment. Then, I heard a sound that didn't belong amongst all others. 

It was the sound of someone slamming something against a thick metal object, I suspected the lockers. Everyone else continued on as normal, but I felt myself drawn to the noise, just barely hearing a whimper.

As I approached where I heard the noise, I noticed that this must have been the freshman hallway. Then, I quickly saw what was going on as most people turned a blind eye or stood by standing the horrible event. 

A kid who looked to be my age was rammed up against a dented locker. He had darker skin and really dark brown hair. His attire consisted of some tight black jeans and his upper body was dressed in a purple and blue plaid shirt, cuffed at the edges and buttoned down. 

The person that held him against the locker was a very attractive and certainly active kid. The best way to describe him was a stereotypical hot guy, strawberry blonde hair and crystal blue eyes. His attire was simple, a sports jacket along with athletic clothing. 

I couldn't quite make out what he was saying to the poor kid that he had been beating, but it ended with him punching the darker haired teen in the nose. 

The way I was raised was different from the kids who all stood there standing as their scruples morphed due to a constant of cowering fear. There was now blood in the fight, running down the victim's nose.

"Your nose hurt? Maybe the taste of your own blood will keep you from snapping at me! Let this be a warning."Another punch was thrown, and I couldn't help but gasp as the jerk snapped his fist into the other's ribcage

The kid cowered on the floor, clutching his ribs. The trembling of his fingers was to a noticeable degree, indicating that he might have been sobbing. 

The crimson ooze that dripped from his nose landed on his knees as he hunched over, bracing for another hit.

I physically couldn't keep myself away, almost as if my own tenacity had turned against me. My hair swung behind me as I approached, standing less than a foot from the pair. 

"Knock it off! What do you think you're getting out of beating him up?" I asked, snapping at the very tall attacker. He wouldn't attack me, I knew it. You had to have some serious balls to punch the new girl, and this guy was nothing more than a pathetic jerk in my eyes. 

"I wouldn't be beating him up if he told me where the crip is!" I snarled at his remark. Beating up this guy was one thing, but doing it because he was protecting someone who was crippled was a whole new level of messed up. 

"He's not crippled! He fell, Chandler, and I don't know where he is and neither does Mark. I haven't seen him since yesterday." The guy said, confidence shining through his speech a little more. I noticed he had an odd pitch of voice, almost a feminine tone when he spoke. Sure, his voice was deep and naturally masculine, but his pitch seemed to be twisted into a higher tone. 

"Shut up, there are plenty of things wrong with him. He's a fucking loser and everyone knows it, maybe if he was smarter he would've jumped onto his neck." Shawn was being gossiped about once again, right in front of me. What was I supposed to think of the poor guy? He'd said one word to me and that was "Sorry". 

The bleeding of the two shouted back in Shawn's defense. 

"He didn't jump. He fell!" Chandler rolled his eyes, laughing. Then he spoke, his words sending a chill down my spine. My lip fell numb and I found myself staring at him.

"He didn't fall hard enough." He then left without another word, seeing that if he hit the other guy then he'd be ratted out by either me or a bystander. I grimaced in disgust, appalled by those simple words, seeing the beaten guy's expression nearly matching mine, but his was bound with vengeful ire.

He took in a deep breath, chest rising, and then falling. Blood dried on his chin, and he pressed his sweaty palm to the locker behind him, lifting himself and looking at me.

"Thank you" He paused, straightening up a bit, feeling his hand over his injured nose. I kept a patient smile, mostly just relieved he wasn't badly injured. To my surprise, he was the social type, and introduced himself. "I'm Nick and that was the asshole of the century Chandler Roberts. He's an insane, homophobic, soulless bastard. He abhors most of my friends, and Shawn is the main target." He explained, thinking I hadn't already heard the whole spill of the story before. I knew by the look on his face that he wanted to tell me about how Shawn didn't try to kill himself, but I just wanted to talk to Shawn himself. 

"Yeah, I've heard the whole thing about Shawn and the roof. I don't want to pass any judgment yet, but I am curious as to why Chandler wanted to hunt him down so quick." Nicholas sighed, leaning forward, his dark hair flipping slightly in front of his eyes, only to be pressed back into its perfect hold.

We started to head in the direction I was walking, towards my locker.

"Well, he is a pretty short kid, but from what I've heard there are things that make up for his height. He's weak and doesn't put up much of a fight. In short, Chandler hates him and uses him as a punching bag. He's pissed and wants to hunt down Shawn to beat him like some stress toy. Why does Chandler hate him? My only ideas are that he absolutely hates Shawn for being gay and open about it, or the fact that Shawn is just a bit anxious- maybe depressed and socially awkward." Nicholas looked as if he were cringing at his own words. Either the Chandler hated Shawn for being gay or for social issues caused by god knows what. 

Something he said managed to completely leave me deadpanned. 

"Shawn is gay? Really? He doesn't act like a stereotype at all. Nothing about him even barely whispers gay." I said, finally laying a glance upon the metal locker that I had been looking for. The edges of my mouth just climbed slightly as my boots meshed against the floor slightly quicker than before. 

"See, that's what I thought. Then come to find that he and our friend had been dating for a long time. He didn't exactly get to come out himself, we more so found out, but I thought it was cute. Also, nowadays he wears little pins clipped onto his headphones. Look close enough and you'll see a pride flag pin. My gaydar was so numb around poor Shawn. I think he wears the patch to help him get through the day without too much doubt in himself." Pity was pretty strong and made me feel bad for the guy. The poor kid was completely stressed out on each level, whether it be from pressure to bullying. 

It really wasn't hard to picture him jumping off a roof. He must have been under constant stress. 

Speaking of the devil, Shawn slipped right in, whipping the locker right next to mine open and throwing his bag in. 

"Shawn! Buddy, I haven't seen you since yesterday. How's your leg?" Nick asked. The darkly dressed kid turned to face us both. I couldn't help but smile when I noticed that Nick wasn't lying about the pins. The pride one stuck out to be the biggest, barely bigger than a quarter.

"You're the first person to have asked. It's fine. I broke it in three places and badly bruised both my arms." It was hard to notice, and maybe he was just near a panic attack, but he stuttered just the slightest. 

Part of me knew that he was made fun of for that, something he physically couldn't change. 

"Why am I the first? Don't you ride the bus with Louis and wouldn't your parents or Kristolyn ask you?" Nicholas asked head cocked just barely to the left. I saw the inquisition lingering at the tip of his tongue. Shawn began to fidget compulsively with his hoodie strings, tugging at the black ropes which barely moved the red hood. 

"Yeah-Yeah, my parents didn't ask, but you know them. They just were distracted or something. Kristolyn still rarely talks to me. Louis was just being a prick again. Seemed content with telling Brooklyn over there all about yesterday." Nick lost his smile for a second, anxiously rubbing the back of his neck after hearing that Louis ran his mouth off.

“Maybe you should talk to Louis. I think we all need to.” He suggested, the best of everyone’s interests on his mind. I didn’t know why but I desperately wanted to understand what the hell was going on. 

‘Did Shawn jump? What’s up with Louis? What happened to make Shawn more solitary when he was around Louis? Do Shawn’s parents neglect him? What the hell is this friend group?'' It was painful to have these questions choking me. Not physically, but it was hard to look at Shawn. His dark blue eyes and black hair would nicely complement a smile, but through the dark circles and low hung head I could tell that a real smile wasn't seen too often. 

"I don't want to talk to him. I'm going to class." He said, grabbing his books almost as quickly as he'd launched his backpack into his locker. His tone was almost a blend between ire and sorrow, vain almost. 

Nick looked at me once Shawn had runoff. 

"He's a good guy. I can tell he's just stressing out. He doesn't usually stutter like that, but he did back in February." Nick slowed his words as he brought to the end of the word February. Similar to a flashback, he seemed to be locked in a flock of disturbing thoughts. 

"Bye Brooklyn, I have class." He spoke, not even waiting for a response. 

So there I stood, looking off through the halls. My hand laid upon the metal of my locker, cooled by the freeze of the air conditioning. 

_'February?'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started this story back in January and recently finished it, sorry for any bad writing.


	3. Replacement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally introduced to Markus Fletcher, Brooklyn takes her place in the group of friends only for it to tug a wrong string on Shawn. She also begins to recognize the complete ignorance of the staff at the school, perhaps the reason for why bullying seemed to be tolerated.

I didn't let my questions distract me in class, after all, if I didn't start learning names then I'd definitely be screwed. 

A few names I had memorized were Louis, Chandler, Nick, and of course Shawn. Another name tugged at the rim of my lip, and as I sat at my desk, I glanced around for a match. 

'Markus, the other person who found Shawn.' That was who I wanted to find, curious to hear his opinion on the situation. So far, I'd heard suicide and tripping, but once I had heard Nick's opinion I wondered if Markus would share that same idea. 

Of course, Shawn's words would matter most, but something told me he didn't like talking about what happened. His injury was yet another vulnerability, an open wound for someone to tear at. 

I quickly noticed Shawn walk in the classroom which frankly left me staring at the wooden door. He'd run off before me, clearly saying he was going to class. Why was he thereafter me?

He slung his books on the only open desk which was next to me, and lazily slid his crutches onto the wall. He sighed, breath blowing the thick strands of hair lying against the bridge of his nose out of his face. 

When the teacher began to take attendance, my head lifted. Of course, the second I heard Markus Fletcher I searched the room for him, only to see that he was one seat away from me, next to Shawn. 

He had brown hair dyed blue on the tips along with some glasses and a jacket over his pac-man t-shirt. His jacket strings had little space invaders at the end, making him look geekier than Shawn. 

I smiled at him, then turned to my planner, taking notes on people's names and faces. 

Now, the rest of my classes were uneventful, and soon the bell rang to signify the beginning of lunch, a dreaded period for me. After all, who I sat with was who I'd be stuck with. 

The lunchroom was clotted to the brim with students, most already in their seats. Once again I could point out the groups easily. My mind was set on having girls to hang with and allow Shawn to just fade out of my life. 

Tray in hand, I spotted a group of girls, pretty hair, and gorgeous makeup. The athletic boys seemed to lock their eyes on them with a childish lust. 

When I even attempted to approach their table, I got the message. One girl snorted, shaking her head at me while another bluntly shook her head 'no'. 

I was glad that they didn't insult me, though something told me that there was a nonentity in which I had ignored, only to find that it was a problem in disguise. 

As a result of those girls turning me away, nobody else seemed too excited to drag themselves down the social ladder. The school was a society, tangled into a mess of instability built upon mysteries and false gossip. 

Nobody wanted me to sit with them, and I supposed that I would just have to deal with that for one day. So, I threw my food onto a table in the corner of the room, the only empty area… other than the tables right next to the teachers. 

I stared down at the disappointment of a meal that was lazily slopped onto the plate. It appeared mushy, almost as if it were straight out of Kitchen Nightmares. Too busy meshing my fork into my food, it was too late to walk off until I realized Louis' shadow scratched against my skin. 

"Hey, Brooklyn. I was wondering if y-" he shut up instantly, not speaking another word as the tip of his tongue rested. Nick set down his plate at the table, sitting right next to me. He didn't seem to mind, almost as if he owned the place.

"Sup Louis. You gonna sit with us or run off to Chandler and his friends?" Nick questioned, once more obstinately forcing me to face the reality of the situation. Louis seemed drained of energy, dropping his tray onto the table. 

"Nevermind, guess we are sitting here today." Louis murmured, sitting across from me. 

"You know that asshole beat me up in the hall. He and Alexander knocked Shawn's crutches out from under him. Louis, he broke his leg in three places and they kicked away his crutches!" Nick snapped, trying to whip some sense into Louis. I had to side with Nicholas on that matter seeing that I'd seen one of those things happen.

"Whatever, Nick" ” He mumbled, yanking out a chair by the blue plastic back and then sitting down. Quite apathetic of him, but I didn’t pay much mind to it. Louis didn’t seem to care much for Nicholas. Suddenly, Nick jumped up smiling with probably the biggest grin that I had ever seen. 

“Ey, Markus!” He greeted, slapping his hand against the blue-haired gamer’s. Markus popped a chew of bubblegum before giving Nick a side hug. He quickly spit out his pastel blue ball of gum, tossing it in a bin nearby, adjusting his glasses as he sat next to Nicholas. The sheer amicable strength of the bond b the two precipitated distinctly cut me with just slight covetousness for something similar.

Thinking about it made me realize that Shawn would probably be the third wheel constantly. Markus got red in the face as Nicholas did his best to mess up the neatly brushed fluff of hair.

"Stop! Hey- I actually spent time getting ready this morning." Mark snapped, shoving his friend ever so slightly. Part of me questioned if they were dating or if they were just good friends. The blush that grew on their faces whenever they saw each other didn't side with the latter at all. 

Louis made a small, harmless comment in an attempt to engage with his friends. 

"Yet you still come to school looking like a geek. C'mon Mark, space invaders, and pac man?" Mark smiled, rolling his eyes and quickly whipping out his phone, pressing it face down on the table.

"And Plague of Death," Mark said. Sure enough, his phone case was styled in the realistic forms of the main characters from the game. Somehow, between the commotion over video games, Shawn had resigned in a seat right next to Louis, headphones cupped over his head. 

The conversation died down and Mark silently waved to Shawn, who took off his headphones as a result. Louis finally took advantage of the awkward silence, dragging me into the group's attention.

"Shawn, Mark, Nick, I forgot to introduce you all to Brooklyn. I think it'll be nice to have five of us again." Mark and Nick smiled at me, but Shawn didn't even glance over at me, snapping to look over at Louis. 

"What the hell. You have the fucking audacity to just drag some random chick in and say she's one of us? You barely even talk to us." He snapped, acting as if Louis was using their group as a dumping ground. I stared on, continuing to keep silent and observe. 

"No, Shawn, I'm just trying to… jeez, it's just you all have been a mess since February. I feel like if things went back to the way they were then maybe nobody would have to suffer. She'll also sit with me and the other guys somedays." The darker haired slammed his clenched fist onto the table, shaking Markus' soda pop and Nick's Shirly Temple. The ice splattered against the glass and even caused some of us to flinch at the noise it made. 

"She's his replacement. That's what you're doing!" His accusations left me staring in blunt confusion. The pure insanity of the travesty before me was similar to that of a Shakespearean playwright. 

"What do you all think I am? I'm not some mindless pawn you can throw into a group of kids. Either they want to be my friend or they don't! I'm sitting here because I want to." I snapped back, getting Louis to slide back in his seat absolutely mortified. Shawn continued to avoid eye contact with me and slid his headphones back on, the pride pin shining like the sun as it tugged on the fabric of the headphones.

Markus downed a quick chug of his fizzy soda, bubbles just popping over the edge with their cherry-flavored sent. 

"So Brook, you're pretty interesting. Wanna tell us about yourself?" He inquired, finally allowing everyone to notice my existence. The outburst was quickly forgotten, though lingering like a bad taste.

"Well, I'm new to town, first of all. I'm a huge video game and art nerd. I love story lore above anything. Also, I live with my mom, and she is a nurse, so she's rarely home. What about you?" I asked, stuffing my sandwich into my face as I stared at Markus, awaiting his response. 

"My mom's a game developer, so I am loaded with video games all day and every day. My dad is a graphic designer, so I've developed a dumb doodling habit. Other than that I like having friends over to play games which speaking of." He paused looking around the table and at me. 

"All of you should come over for PoD after school. If it's just me and Nick again then my mom will get suspicious as to whether we're playing video games or doing something else." I didn't want to know if his mom thought he and Nick were doing drugs or having sex, and honestly, I wouldn't want to have to ask him that. 

"I'm in," I said, Shawn, raising his hand in agreement. He flicked it in the air, brushing off the idea but agreeing as he did so. Of course, Nick was totally up for it, so there was only Louis. 

Everyone turned to him, awaiting an answer. He fumbled around with his fingers, nervous sweat beginning to form.

"I can come over tomorrow, but I made plans today." He explained, earning a roll of the eyes from Markus. Shawn just sighed, snapping off his phone and pushing his headphones down again. 

"Great, see y'all at four. Now, everyone else should introduce themselves to Brooklyn, right?" The gamer said, flicking the table just slightly as he leaned over it. Shawn stared at me for a second. Envy accompanied by an irked frown. I didn't know if he just didn't trust me or if he'd stringently made up his mind about me. 

Nicholas pitched in, bringing my attention from the almost odious lick of emotions that Shawn allowed me to see. 

"I'm the theater kid. I like a lot of things, especially Markus- er no homo." I noticed just the smallest movement of the edges of Shawn's lips, barely attempting to smile. It seemed that someone had a bit of an interest in Mark and Nick getting together. Markus continued talking,

"My dad is a psychologist, has been for years. It's a shame I lack the charisma. My parents are split but my mom is a lawyer- commercial, actually. I'm deep in the closet, but I think my mom has clued in and refuses to accept it she ignores it. I wouldn't be surprised if she kicked my ass out. Dad, on the other hand, would have me burnt alive if he found out." Nick huffed out a breath, nudging his shoulder against Mark's. The two seemed just a little gay for each other. 

Shawn reluctantly bit his tongue, looking around the room as he took his stand, ignorance pertaining only to what could snap him from his attention. 

"I'm Shawn and I'm the only one who's not a virgin. I-" Louis interrupted Shawn. 

"Hey, I thought we all mutually agreed that Mark and Nick were screwing." Nick put his head on the table, snickering to himself at the stupidity of such an idea, his forehead resting it on the edges of his arms. Mark just rolled his eyes, fidgeting with a button on the edge of his shirt. 

“Also, Shawn’s dad is a priest and his mom works as a tutor. Mine are divorced but my mom works as hard as she can as an officer while my dad stays lazy and unemployed.” Shawn “thanked” Louis for finishing reading his life story for him by glaring at him. He looked like he wanted to murder someone but just kept submissive. 

“I like gaming and stars too,” Shawn mumbled, gripping tightly to his own explanation of himself. He clearly didn’t want someone talking for him, but his random outburst earlier contradicted his own ideals. It wouldn’t surprise me if he had some sort of social anxiety or form of panic attacks.

“That’s nice,” I said with the sweetest smile I could manage. My response was a roll of the eyes from Shawn. He didn’t even bother to say anything else, slipping his headphones back on and going to throw away his food. 

Shawn already didn't like me. It must have been something that Louis said, or perhaps it went deeper than that

When minutes passed and Shawn didn't return, Mark leaned onto the table, sighing as his hand brushed against Nick's arm. 

"Why aren't you guys going to check on him? He's suicidal." Louis questioned, taking a swig of his lemonade. Nick, out of a sudden shock, grabbed onto Mark's hand, quickly letting go and responding to Louis.

"He tripped, Louis. He's gone out to that roof every night for months." Nick said, glaring at his friend. It seemed more likely that he'd slipped. I wondered what Mark thought of this, sprawled out over the table.

"He hates his life." Louis explained, his face straight and not a single ounce of pity even splattered into his stare. 

"Just because you hate the majority of your life doesn't make you suicidal. Some people have hope in the future." Nick argued, his voice ringing with a defensive boil, his passion with his well-read words made it seem like he wasn't only defending Shawn. 

"Then why does he go there every night? He's all alone for months, climbing onto a roof. You wonder why I hang with cooler kids, you guys are all insane." Louis had a valid point, but Nick seemed to express trust in the fact that Shawn was okay.

Finally, Mark spoke, and I had no idea how anyone would respond to his comment. He popped another blow of gum and chewed it a little before breaking the tension by putting forth the confusing comment.

"Can you all stop arguing? I've been waiting for you to stop so I could just make y'all laugh at this shitty Jojo meme." He said, snickering as he pressed a button on his phone and leaned it over to me and Nick.

"Mark, god damnit." The theater kid cursed as he found himself snickering at the video. I just stared at Louis in slight disbelief. His words had clearly dug into Nick and it was hard to tell, but Markus had instantly tried to make the topic change. 

"I'm leaving," Louis mumbled, pushing up from the table and turning away from the two giggling boys and me. Mark turned off his phone and shoved it into his pocket only seconds after Louis left. 

"He's just a bit emotional at times, so is Shawn. I think everyone is a bit surprised about yesterday." Mark said and Nick hastily sided with his argument, nodding his head as well. 

"I'm curious. What do you think happened?" I asked causing the shorter of the boys (Mark) to slide off the table and sit up properly. 

"I think he could have tripped but he does have a really depressing life. Imagine having to see your own parents protest at a pride parade while you're the one holding a rainbow flag. That's not even the worst thing that regularly happens to the poor guy." If that wasn't terrible then I didn't want to know what the worst Shawn endured was. Mark then continued his speech.

"So, I don't know. I wanna believe he tripped. See, the odd thing is he didn't start crying until he saw us. I hate to think that just before he came into our field of view he was just lying sprawled out on the ground with blood everywhere." Markus seemed to get extremely uncomfortable and Nicholas' breathing was noticeably more unstable. 

"Blood?” I refuted, barely grinding my tooth into the chapped skin of my lip. Markus uncomfortably tugged at the rim of his phone case, popping the left corner on and off the phone. 

“He- I didn't ask him about that. Neither did Nick, I don't think?" Nick sat up, shaking his head, then carefully placing his hair back into place. Something about him being bloody seemed non-sensical.

"Where is Shawn anyways?" I asked, seeing that lunch was nearly over and he'd been gone for a while.

"He always leaves during lunch. We used to look for him, but he's always just off listening to music in a quiet area." Markus explained, pondering for half a second before leaning onto the table once more. 

And with a few more comments about Shawn and finally, the PoD meet up, the bell rang. We each stood up, bidding farewell and heading in our own ways. 

That was when the realization hit me, choking me in its constricting grasp. 

Louis had changed completely throughout the day, and not in the way Shawn went from shy and depressed, to nervous, to aggravated. Louis seemed almost two-faced. 

I bit my lip at the idea, so trapped in thought that I was oblivious to the things around me. Barely, did I notice Shawn in his locker next to mine, his weight desperately shifting onto his crutches as he tried to grab an envelope. 

He was clearly in pain and seemed like he needed that. Checking my schedule, I saw that I had physical education next period, and snapped back into reality. 

Shawn probably needed to get to a doctor's note if he had P.E. as well. I quickly grabbed my change of clothes, moving to help him before I realized he'd decided to just put pressure on his leg and grab the note himself. 

I walked off to the gym, hoping he'd just ask someone for help next time he needed to grab something. 

The one class we actually did work in on the first day would be P.E., and sure it would be some game, but for those of us who weren't into physical activity then it was still worse than sitting and organizing in math class.

The gym was nice, but the locker rooms looked as if they were pulled straight out of hell. As I made my way through the slick walled stairwell that leads underground to the girl's locker room, I felt my arms tensing as I heard the sound of echoing girly laughter. 

My clothes were hanging over my arms as I turned into the room to see my female classmates, consisting of those three girls that had rejected me at lunch. 

One wore a purple shirt and had black shorts that were much too short. She was Hispanic, the dark brown hair easily alluding to that fact. Most girls would be envious of her looks. 

Another other girl was wearing pink and had curly blonde hair tied back in a scrunchy, her makeup was done to absolute perfection. 

Lastly, there was the third girl who was in that clearly divided group, different from the other girls in the room. She had a huge chest and clearly liked to show that off based on the revealing clothing she'd chosen for gym. Her features were all dark, and like her friends she was stunning in comparison to the student body. 

I quickly slid into my gym outfit, a simple t-shirt with the title of my favorite musical on it, along with some shorts. I looked much like anyone else in the room, so I was shocked when one of the three girls called me out. It just happened to be the one in purple.

"Brooklyn Primrose, the new girl who has Louis' attention hooked on her." I hoped they weren't saying that Louis had a crush on me already because I didn't like him. 

"I know Louis, but I really don't know what you mean by having his attention," I said, throwing my vest and other shirt into a locker. The blonde quickly responded. 

"Oh, he wants you to sit with us. Guess this is our way of saying we made a mistake by rejecting you. Made you and him have to sit with the school freaks. Also, I'm Elizabeth, those two are Iris and Helen." I didn't like that, after all, Nick and Mark were nice kids, and for the most part, Shawn just kept to himself. I was fine with sitting by them.

"Isn't Louis friends with them?" I asked, leaning my foot on one of the benches so that I could tie my shoe. The third one, Helen responded.

"They've been drifting away for a year or so. It's a shame that they're all such quirks. If they weren't queer then I'm sure that they'd be just as fun as Louis." I didn't know what they meant by queer, but if it was because they were gay then that was just a pure example of homophobia. 

"I think they're nice people, but whatever," I said, taking my leave before they could even retort. 

Great, I had the attention of the three slutty popular girls and apparently the rest of the popular kids, but also had the benevolent kindness from the odd group of outcasts.

By the time I got upstairs, I could already see Shawn sitting on the lowest bleacher, crutches next to him as he leaned back with a book in his hands. I noticed that his neck and face were pretty scratched up, along with his fingers, the parts not hidden by his fingerless gloves. 

I pitied him. His scrawny appearance and beaten down stare were hard to deal with, engendering a constant deluge of uncomfortable emotions within me. It was the truth when it came to Shawn, that things didn't go the way he wanted, and it seemed that he'd stopped trying.

The poor guy looked exhausted, constantly glancing at his little pride pin and then going back to reading. The dark circles under his eyes and persistent yawning distracting him from the ink carved words.

My mind had zoned in on the odd mannerisms that Shawn carelessly portrayed, and I had failed to notice the boiling commotion behind me, which seemed torn with calamity between peers and the coach. 

"Markus Fletcher, what have I said about wearing gloves or armbands into my class?" The coach screamed at the top of her lungs, snapping any attention of mine around to her. She seemed to have a very bellicose attitude, much like Chandler had.

I turned around to see Markus, and truly this was when I realized that this school was of no normal formalities. Something was very twisted, down to the soul of the people's malevolent hearts. 

His lip was tucked underneath his teeth as he bit anxiously, eyes fixated upon the coach as he backed up a little. The strands of blue hair that were once behind his ear lay unfixed when they were tugged out of position. 

Words clearly sat on his tongue, aching for release, but his lip kept pleated. See, when he was faced with a child to banter with- or an obstinate foe of his age he would laugh off any remarks, but his whole body had halted when approached by an adult. 

"Markus!" The coach snapped. Markus' arms curled up against his chest tighter. He wanted to say something, I could see it in the very tinge of the pigment resting in his iris. 

His words lay tucked in a cleft between tongue and lip as students stared at him. He didn't want to remove the gloves as if they were an essential garment. 

Nicholas, on the other hand, stepped forward with a trustful tempo of confidence. It was definitely one he would rely on. 

"Coach, why does Mark need to take off his gloves? He's not hurting anyone. It's his style and he looks cool." His words were about as swift as Berceuse, almost mellifluous in an argument while boosting to Markus' pride. 

Nicholas was the confident and confrontational one. Markus was the laid back and often facade painted of the two. The argument came to a cadence. 

"Because those are my rules." Was the Coach's abrupt response delivered dauntlessly, his glare complementing his ire towards mutiny.

"Hey, its Mark's choice if he wants to wear something or not. Again, it's not like he could be injured." Nick ran a finger through the cusp of his dark hair. I wasn't exactly sure how to process the sight, watching as Chandler and Louis both stood shoulder to shoulder looking on. Something about the scene was bound to venture south. 

"If he's not a cutter like the one over there, then he can take off the gloves." The coach said. A sinister sneer greeted the edges of Chandler's cheeks as he built his internalized web of his blackmail bound rancor. I hoped, prayed that Markus wasn't cutting himself. He seemed so happy. 

Nick defended Mark before the shorter could even begin to tug off his woolen gage.

"Did you just call Shawn a cutter? Also what teacher would assail a student in such a way that they'd reveal whether the kid hurts himself. I will report you to the deen, so help me god, Coach." Markus seemed just a little joy struck when Nick continued to defend him. It was hidden in the glimpse that I caught of his satisfied little smile, but it was there none the less. 

Coach fought the urge to wrench forward his whistle across Nicholas' face, pulling the string to a strain. The threat of the deen brought him to capitulation, and he did not argue further, returning to his office to allow us time to just complete our warm-up. 

I approached Nicholas and Markus, just to make sure they were okay. Nick seemed shocked that he's come out the victor, and Markus was pretty fixated on thanking his friend. 

“Is that normal?” Was the first inquiry that managed to part from my lips the moment I was just about two feet from where the two boys stood. Markus shrugged it off, snickering just a little bit.

“Yeah, Coach hates me and therefore also Nick.” His explanation managed to poke at a few of my nerves, sending a chill down my spine. I reached for a jump rope, about to start my warm-up as we continued talking. The rubber string nearly caught underneath my foot. 

“The teachers get away with too much here.” Nick explained, grabbing a long purple rope and jumping once to test its length. Markus nodded in agreement, swinging a blue rope underneath his feet. 

“So do the kids,” I added, motioning to Nicholas’s bruised nose. Markus nearly dropped his jump rope, staring at the injury as if it was the worst thing he’d ever seen, perhaps he should join Nicholas in a play. Both of them were drastically overdramatic.

He quickly attempted to resume the task.

“Wh-” Mark tried to ask, yanking his rope forward. He attempted to swiftly guide it back over himself, only to be tugged right back, nearly falling to the ground. If he hadn’t let go of the rope in time, he would have ended up on the floor, arms rug burnt from the fall. Lucky for him, he avoided that fate and snapped around to see Chandler with his foot stagnant, crushing the middle of the rope behind him. 

“Oops, sorry fag. My foot slipped.” He sneered, diamond-cut eyes glaring with sick satisfaction at each facet. Mark tried to laugh it off, tugging the rope in an attempt to free it, but to no avail. 

“It was really cute to see your boyfriend stand up for you. Just proves that he saw all those cuts when he was six inches deep in you.” Nicholas was also a target in the verbal assault, a caprice- evilly spiteful remark. Markus stayed strong, he always had that nonchalant attitude, one that surely pissed off Chandler.

“Hate to tell you, but you being an asshole hasn’t gotten me to rip up my own skin. Also, I’m proud to be a pathetic virgin- so sorry to down your little assumption.” He responded, wrenching his arm back just a little. The rope continued to remain stuck underneath Chandler’s tennis shoe. 

“Even if you are a virgin, it doesn’t mean you’re not a dirty faggot.” Markus stuffed his hands into his pocket, huffing just a little as he glanced waywardly. He kept brushing things off with half-joking attempts at defending himself. 

"I'm not gay, Chandler." He stated. It wasn't hard to miss the sudden tug at Nick's grin. His sudden desire to deviate from the situation was as clear as day, though his actions were subtle.

His hands suddenly started fidgeting, and foot moved against the boards of the gym floor at a rapid tapping pace. Mark, however, remained calm as he continued to face Chandler.

"Fine, whatever, losers." The asshole growled, shoving Mark and then barely clawing his hand into Nicholas' arm as he pushed him aside. 

Mark and Nick both gave me a half-smile, though Mark's was much more boosted with what appeared to be an actual dosage of his own benevolent feelings. 

Soon the day ended, and to a close, it came. I wondered if I would get to see another side of Shawn as I typed a message signaling to my mother that I'd be over at my new friend's house. Mark and Nick both were peculiar, and Louis, well he'd avoided Nick and Mark all day after Chandler fought with them in P.E. 

What had I learned? Well, there's something very, very wrong with this school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really regret making the teacher a big part in this story, after all this is the only scene you see a teacher acting horribly. There is more of this in the prequel (in development).


	4. Game Over!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The group heads to Markus' to play video games

Mark's house was within walking distance from the school, but due to the fact I was new to town, I knew it would take me a bit to get there even with Google Maps on my side. 

I was relieved when Louis left me alone for the most part, waving to me after school before running after Chandler and two other guys who appeared to be in some form of an amicable relationship with Chandler. 

He was friendly, but the way Shawn argued with him during lunch, and the accusations that were quickly thrown just felt odd. Mark and Nick were probably the only two sane people. Louis seemed to be a people pleaser who had silent enemies. 

Anyhow, I soon stood with my charcoal hair blowing against the wind as I faced the facade of a well-income house. The shadow swallowed me as I gazed upon the structure. Salmon bricks poked between the paste, and windows shone with the light piercing from within the other side. 

My hands laid buried in the crevice of my green pockets, vest hooked perfectly in line with my belt. Each step was taken with a sliver of hesitation, the reluctance to drag my body to the edges of the porch steps. The shingles of the house bearing their cold cut as I stared blankly at them, avoiding eye contact with the door that glossily shone directly in front of me, mere yards away. 

Praying it was the right house, I stepped onto the raised level of bricks, my finger placing against the stubborn plastic of the doorbell, golden light hissing beneath. 

Once pressed, a sound came from inside the house, a melodic tune followed by two voices in a persuasive argument with one another. 

"Mom! Let me get the door!" A voice I quickly recognized as Mark's screamed from behind the thick glass of the door. 

"Markus, I deserve to know who all you're hanging out with. Though, I am glad you've branched out from just Nicholas and occasionally Shawn." A middle-aged woman responded before I noticed her shadow against the window of the door.

The door quickly clicked open, and there stood a brown-haired woman, behind her was Markus who was hanging off the stair railing which leads upstairs to where I could see Nicholas and Shawn peering out from. 

She smiled and eagerly greeted me, outstretched hand and all. 

"Oh hello! I'm Mrs. Fletcher. You must be Markus' new friend." Before much more could happen her son jumped in.

"Mom!" Mark groaned, jumping off the rail and quickly regripping his controller, the joystick pressed underneath his thumb. 

"This is Brooklyn, and yes she is a she. Don't get too excited. She's Louis' friend and he just happened to sit with us. I decided to invite everyone over for PoD, Okay?" He explained, nearly breathless as he desperately tried to get his mom to back out of his social life. 

"Alright, you all behave. If Nick tries to choke any of you with Mountain Dew again then call me." She joked, tugging her hair back out of her face. Markus rolled his eyes at his mom as Nicholas ducked away in embarrassment. 

I was led upstairs and past a few doors. Soon we entered the coolest room I'd ever seen. It was clearly a multipurpose room, but mostly it retained an artsy and gaming theme. 

Shawn laid sprawled out on a chair with his legs up on an ottoman, crutches thrown carelessly to the side. Nicholas had thrown himself back onto the couch- or rather, loveseat where his controller sat. 

On the TV was a screen displaying the large multiplayer map of PoD. It seemed they had only gotten to level 11, stuck behind a rampart area in the level. I'd never played through the multiplayer levels because I had moved near the time that PoD started becoming a thing. 

Markus took his seat next to Nicholas, their bodies smushed up against each other as they waited for me. I quickly jumped onto the identical copy of the leather-coated chair that Shawn was sitting in. Shawn still didn't like the fact that I was here. 

"Here, it's an old controller. We all have assigned ones. I get blue, Shawn red, Nick purple, Louis yellow, and you can have green." Shawn seemed pissed off when Markus tossed me the controller. His glare was unreadable, deluding me in all directions. I couldn't make sense of his thought process. In my mind, his hatred was flung towards me in a fit of confusion, but perhaps it went deeper. 

I looked at the controller. It had clearly been used before but it was taken care of, and the buttons were crisp, immaculate to the point that when I pressed them they pushed with ease and slid back up with a slick release. 

"Markus that's-" Shawn tried to speak, fumbling around with his controller just a little bit. Nick and Mark both looked over at the controller in my hand. 

"A controller, Shawn," Nick stated, not wanting whatever was starting to brew to go any further. Markus nodded in agreement, quickly smacking the A button to resume the game. 

Nick and Mark both spoke with the console, Shawn quietly mumbling it as well, though appearing thoroughly unenthused. He looked out of it, and not in the game.

"Level Eleven: Bristol's Road!" The two shouted, preparing themselves as their NPCs showed up. I quickly designed my character in the side menu, then cued into the game.

Mark's avatar had blue hair and wore an 1800s blazer along with a broach. Nick's avatar was the tallest and had on a tucked-in shirt and to fit the 1800's theme was wearing a top hat. Shawn's character had a black trench coat and frankly reminded me of Jason Deen, sending a little chill through my body. My avatar looked like me but in a green dress. 

For hours we smashed buttons and warned each other of incoming attacks, swerving around 8-bit infuriated townspeople who threw forks and flames towards our crew. We dodged between various homes with the infected, entering ones to escape the crowd, only to various times be met with a slick slide of flint and steel setting ablaze one or all of us. 

Attempting various paths, and various methods we kept slipping up on the level. Almost every round it would begin with a pattern, or perhaps a twist combined of all the messages bonded into a loop, “Mark has been infected.”, “Shawn has been impaled.”, “Brooklyn has been set ablaze.”, or “Nick has been hung.” Then, as soon as those interchangeable messages were set into place, there was only a matter of time until the final reading, “Game Over.” 

When we lost, Shawn seemed to just start giving up more and more, and desperately needed a pep talk. Mark would always just laugh it off, and Nick would confront the issue and try again. 

At some point it got to the point where Shawn wasn't even playing anymore and Nick was getting dramatically mad at the game, so we stopped, controllers set down and attention locked on Shawn. He was pretty out of it, leaning onto his elbow and staring off at the screen in defeat, completely lackluster and bland.

"Shawn, buddy, you alright?" Markus questioned, Nick and I both looking at Shawn to cue our involvement in the conversation. The darker dressed of all of us, shook his head, snapping back into reality. 

"I'm fine! I just zoned out." He lied, blatantly and to our faces. Of course, I didn't pick up on his discrepancy until both Mark and Nick did. 

"No, you haven't zoned out like that since February," Nick remarked, tugging at the sweaty rim of his shirt. He had gotten into the game. 

"Just, I was just thinking about stuff. My parents are shoving me back in Conversion therapy. They think it helps something. It's boring and I'm not going to go. "Summer camp" was bad enough. I don't need some old dude telling me I need to be on some prescribed drugs to be happy and then ridicule me for liking dick." He briefly explained, still glaring at me from time to time. I felt terrible for him, but god, did I want to know why he hated me so much. 

"What happened, Shawn?" I asked, my eyes slipping down to the boot which cupped around his leg. He adjusted his position and looked up at the ceiling. 

"I fell off a roof. My parents think I jumped. Now they want me in therapy because   
they don't want to be responsible if they end up with a dead gay son." He spewed carelessly, hands pressing inwards against the fabric of the chair, fiddling with a loose string. Pity was a tough thing, and difficult for me to understand in this case. It melted into my brain like icecream to a sidewalk, but somehow the information itself puzzled me. 

He wasn't in the mood for any more questions, his expression screamed that. As if on a rather convenient cue, Mrs. Fletcher shouted out to us. 

"Markus, Nicholas, Shawn, and Brooklyn! Come downstairs if you would like some pizza!" Of course, all of us had the instant reaction to stand up, Shawn attempting to stand without his crutches before wincing in pain than sitting back down, glaring at his leg with distinct abhor. 

Nick and Mark both helped him stand before I could try to pitch in on the effort. Perhaps, Shawn was just in a sour mood about his leg and that was why he was in a foul mood, but when his anger seemed so outwardly directed towards me and especially Louis, then I began to doubt the credibility of that idea. 

I stared at Mark and Nick for a moment after they'd helped Shawn. Their arms barely touched together at all times, fingers brushing against the others. They were close, and something about their relationship seemed more than platonic- though it was highly unlikely they were screwing in secret.

As we walked out of the room, I heard the voices of other people and quickly thought about how it was likely that Markus had siblings. For half a second, the grin on his face faltered, and the only one to notice was Nicholas- I was too focused on watching Shawn attempt to crutch himself down the stairs. 

Soon we entered the homey little living room where there sat a few children before us. The place smelled like good, greasy, pizza which sat on the table behind the couch, propped open steaming hot as it lay across the wooden surface.

Xander and Paris were Markus' two older siblings while Jason was the youngest. As the four of us freshmen began to grab slices of pizza, Xander stirred up some drama, seeing as his mother wasn't in the room. 

"Wow! Bringing a girl home to make dad think you aren't a complete failure in life?" He snapped, snarling at his brother. Markus remained calm, still standing at Nicholas' side as he prepared both him and Shawn plates with two slices each. The steaming sauce causing my stomach to beg, yearning for the sweet taste of pizza.

"Sure, let's go with that. Go ahead and make sure everyone knows how much better you are than me, Xander. Sure that boosts your confidence real high. Great to know you're better than me, a complete loser." He said, mocking his brother's words from previous encounters. His argument was solid, yet there was something about it that just made me squirm uncomfortably. Nicholas even stood closer to Markus showing that he'd felt it too. 

The words he spoke were passionate, about him being a loser and his brother being pathetic to brag about being cool. I hoped that he was just making a point, not thinking he was some loser. 

"Aw look! His boyfriend is standing closer, isn't that sweet! Nicholas Rivers x Markus for life!" Paris squealed, her dark brown hair bouncing as she squealed excitedly. Markus and Nicholas both took a step away from each other. 

"Shut up Paris. Don't encourage that." Xavier grumbled, pressing about as much hatred into his glare that he could and directing it towards Markus. 

"Oh come on, Xavier. Be supportive of your brother for once." Paris responded, flipping around to look at the TV once more. We all sat down with our slices of pizza, Markus handing Shawn the plate he'd made.

"Oh goodness, Shawn! What happened? I never took you as the active type. How'd you break your leg?" Paris asked once all of us had either taken a seat on the floor or the couch. Xavier was dead silent, not daring to but in. It was almost as if he knew better than to mess with Shawn. Xavier might be a dick to his brother, but he wasn't Chandler. 

"I fell off a roof. I went to stargaze and next thing I know I'm on the ground. Nick and Mark found me at some point." He explained much more thoroughly than he had with me. I swear to god this boy was persistent when it came to pushing the idea that he didn't like me.

Paris continued, pushing her perfect brown hair behind her ear and anticipating answers from the boy.

"Oh, you know better than to climb onto a roof, Shawn! What would your parents say?" He rolled his eyes. I wondered if he was even capable of smiling, though he wasn't frowning when he took a bite of the pizza, sauce smudging onto his cheek without care.

That question was more of an insult to Shawn than anything else, and Xavier nervously poked in.

"Paris stop. Don't make him uncomfortable." He gave her that look, a look that spoke words. 

'You know he has issues.' Was what I read, knowing that the expression possibly went deeper than I could pry. 

"It's fine. They sent me to therapy. I'm probably going to be drugged up. Who cares?" He was so calm about it. He didn't care, not one bit. It was almost as if he wasn't bothered by it because it wasn't a problem, but there was something wrong about that.

'Why doesn't he care? He's so calm. Hopeless- maybe?' I thought as I stared up and down the crevices of his grin. His pale skin and bruised body both stood out in comparison to Mark, the blue-haired short kid, and Nick, the tall and healthy theater kid. 

He didn't care about playing video games upstairs, but at one point, not recently but some time ago, I knew that he just had to have been grinning and smiling as he and his friends teamed up.

What happened that caused him to stare at a Game Over screen blankly, not even wanting to try again? Why did he snap at Louis at lunch? Why doesn't he care about being drugged and shoved into therapy?

What the hell is with Louis? Why does he want me to hang with Chandler? Why are Nick and Mark so awkwardly close? 

Just what did I get myself dragged into by sitting with Louis on the bus?


	5. Phone Calls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawn gets a phone call and Brooklyn begins to worry about him.

Once the scrumptious doughy pizza had been devoured, tomato sauce, and grease coating our fingers, the four of us walked upstairs. Nick and Mark were both stuffed after having had a contest to see who could eat three slices the fastest. They both were leaning on each other constantly, joking around as Shawn just followed behind.

Licking the pearl pink rims of my lips, I began to focus in on the game room once more, resuming onto my seat and watching Markus snort as Nicholas chuckled in embarrassment from something he'd said. 

With the simple ring of a phone, the room's commotion came to a stern halt. The silence hung like a body from the end of a rope, swaying from side to side and seemingly lifeless. 

Shawn's phone was ringing, and smiles snapped away instantly. Even Shawn himself changed. He was nervous, just like when he was at his locker. 

He pressed his thumb against the cracked glass, pulling the phone to his ear. He couldn't stand up to go talk in the hallway, sitting in front of all of us as we listened to the conversation. 

Over the phone, I could hear a middle-aged man's voice, sharp as a blade that surely could cut. The words spoken with the tone were what really sliced into Shawn. His whole psyche must have become lacerated over the years if this was how he was spoken to constantly. 

"I'm a-at Markus' house." He said, hand trying to shield us from hearing the conversation, but he knew we all heard, after all, it was too late to plug in his headphones. 

I couldn't make out everything, but I heard lots of offensive words being tossed around in such an assail that I was shocked that the parent on the other end had the right to actually raise another human being. 

"Fucking faggot, sucking off Markus now!" Shawn squirmed uncomfortably, scrunching his nose and reacting out of complete disgust. 

"No, Mark's my friend. Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I go around sleeping with my friends." He yelled into the phone, gripping the case in his sweaty hand. His whole body was glistening with sweat as he tugged at the trim of his sweatshirt. Tears were edging onto the slick edge of his lashes. His, who I assume, father then said something else which was followed by Shawn's messy rebuttal. 

"Nicholas is here too but so is this girl named Brooklyn. Are you happy?" Shawn snapped, using me to his advantage. I couldn't blame him. When he's in such an anxiety built situation, there would be no other beneficial option. There was a pause before Shawn reluctantly took the phone from his ear, pressing the speakerphone option. 

"Brooklyn, say hi. My dad doesn't believe that I am here to have fun with friends and not suck dick." His tone was shaky but low with sarcasm. He hated me. Maybe he was actually doing things with Nick and Mark, but then again that made no sense at all. Why would they invite me to play video games, and Markus wasn't even gay from what I knew. 

"Hello, Mr. Ruell!" I said, faking my own positivity. The guy was clearly abusive to his son, verbally at the least. 

"Shawn, get your ass back home now. I don't want you over at Markus' or Nicholas' homes." He didn't say anything to Shawn's benefit, in the end, brushing me off and telling his son to leave. Shawn said he'd be home soon, then hung up the phone. 

"Bye guys, Brooklyn." He said, standing up on his own, neglecting his own pain just so that he could grab his crutches and leave, clinging onto the metal supports for dear life. 

"Bye Shawn! See you at school." Markus and Nicholas said in sync, Nick then shoving Mark away, palm into his face as he giggled. 

With that, Shawn closed the door. It shut so suddenly, but not one of us flinched, staring at each other in silence

Of course, Nicholas spoke up, and thank god he did. I was ready to ask questions. 

"He's been in a bad mood lately. Let's talk about, I dunno other stuff. I'm fed up with depression." He said, waving his hand in the air. Mark agreed, snickering as he looked away from his friend just ever so slightly. I wanted them to start up a conversation so that I could slide in without the awkward tension. 

"How about the school play. Any word about what that'll be?" Markus asked the cheery theater kid, who sprawled out over the couch that they shared. Physical contact was a must for Nicholas, apparently.

"Oooh yes! Word has it, we are doing Be More Chill the musical. Which has a main character that's a dude, so unlike Heather's I probably won't have to be cast as the villain." I decided to pop into the conversation, knowing a little about Broadway shows because of a phase I went through in seventh and eighth grade. 

"So you're going to try out for Jeremy Heere?" I asked, tilting my head to the side. 

"Probably, I try to aim for the main. I mean Jeremy and Michael remind me of me and Markus anyways. Two best friends who love playing video games together- except we have other friends and don't usually get high. I do wish Jeremy and Michael got together though." He said, sighing as he slumped into the couch, pressing his arms deep into the cushions. Markus began to fiddle with Nick's hair because of how Nick was lying across the couch, and over Mark's lap.

"Wait so you compare them to you and Mark then say you wish they got together? Bold hint right there, Nick." I announced. Markus began fumbling with a strand of his friend's dark hair. Said friend, stared at me like I was the devil.

"Oh shut up. I didn't mean it like that. I do love Marky though. He's my bestest friend!" Nicholas' sudden addition of the slurry stupid talk caused just the slightest bit of blush to rise up into Mark's cheeks.

"Ahah, that's us- best friends. I love you too though, Nick." He said, scuffing his hand against the mess of hair atop Nick's once perfectly groomed head. 

"I wish you did theater. What do you even do when I'm not with you?" Nicholas asked, beginning to play with the zipper of his friend's jacket. 

"Pffft dude, you know. The usual. Watch videos, play games, just be a chill loser." He said, leaning back against the couch and stretching backwards to the point that his stomach was revealed. Nicholas became ever so slightly flustered, seeing Markus sprawled out and shirt tugged up. 

"You aren't a loser. Sit up!" Nicholas said, grabbing Mark's hand and yanking him forward as he allowed himself to snicker at the other. 

"Speaking of that kinda thing. What's with Chandler?" I brought up, recalling how terrible the guy was to both of the geeky boys. Markus' playful grin distorted into a half-assed smile, practically faked to the weakest ability possible. Nicholas straight up grimaced, the slick sense of ire passed through by the sight of his gritted teeth. 

"I can't express how much I hate the asshole. He picks on Shawn and Markus and is the head of his group of pricks. Louis hangs out with him." This wasn't the first time I'd heard warnings about people at the school. Even the teachers seemed to be manipulated by Chandler. 

"But Louis is your friend, ri-" I cut myself off the moment I felt a shaking in the pocket of my vest, the melodic tune of a calming game soundtrack soon echoed through the fabric. 

I pulled out my phone and felt the color drain from my face in an instant, the glowing screen reflecting against the glaze which coated my lip. It was Louis.

Quickly, I pressed down on the green symbol. The phone was on speakerphone by my choice, so I motioned for Nick and Mark to be silent. 

"Hey Brooklyn, you gotta sit with me tomorrow. Sorry if lunch weirded you out today, they're just my other friends. Chandler's group is so much more fun, and you'll fit right in." Markus' shoulders fell, his eyes drifting away from the phone, staring down at his phone with his chest tightened. Nicholas kept quiet, staring down at the phone. 

"Yeah, sure. I'm at Mark's house right now, so-" I attempted to say, only to have Louis interrupt me. 

"You actually went? I've been skipping out. I hung with Chandler, Felix, and Alexander after school instead. The girls also joined us. It's way cooler than video games." Louis didn't know he was hurting anyone's feelings, and of course, Markus seemed to be hiding his heartbreak while Nicholas began to appear just a little uncomfortable. 

"I liked it, but whatever. I'll see you at lunch. Don't expect me to just abandon these kids, though. Mark and Nick are pretty chill." I responded, trying to liven up the two gamers. Louis quickly passed a short and simple response before bidding me farewell.

"You don't know them well, but whatever. I'll see you at school."

We said goodbye and I shut off the call, watching the scene in front of me unfold. Markus quickly stated his optimistic case, delivered with a confident laugh. 

"Louis is a good guy." Nicholas rolled his eyes.

"Like I've said before. He's two-faced. I'm sure of it." I changed the topic after hearing that once again, and we talked about video games and things we liked. It was nice, but alas the time came for me to walk home. 

Waving goodbye to Mark and, of course, Nick who seemed to disregard his curfew to chill with his best friend, I exited the house. I had thanked Mrs. Fletcher for the food, as my mother had managed to teach me some etiquette between her job and struggles.

The air was raw, no dew lurked in the slickly dry particles. The wind would send a crack down my throat, the withered flow only drawing away moisture. 

I pursed my lips, allowing my thoughts to drift while walking down the sidewalk. I thought of my day, especially my mother, and how she'd be worried if I wasn't home by the time she got back. 

Also, I minded the scene around me, rushing trees and cold desolate houses. It was so pacific, not anything could disturb such serenity. 

Then something just had to have snapped me out from that belief of eternal serenity. My foot kicked against metal, pushing the light object aside. 

I snapped my gaze down, seeing I'd kicked one of two crutches that had been laid into the grass. Looking around for the owner of the two medical assists, I only saw shadows, to which I quickly realized were hung to my advantage. 

The moonlight hanging against the shiny metal of the crutches which had been briskly pushed by the wind onto the sidewalk provided me some sort of natural sight. The shadows too held their own secrets in their translucent veil. 

One shadow was much more animate than the others, causing me to snap up and look, not forward, not to my sides, but to the roof of a nearby abandoned home. Atop it was none other than Shawn Ruell. 

My heart didn't beat and my breath stood stagnant, motionless. Perhaps, it was pessimism that led me to believe what I suddenly thought, or maybe it was the rumors about him.

'He didn't care if he lost the game. He didn't care about the therapy. He didn't care about being drugged up. He doesn't care because he is going to kill himself.' I thought, my mind being the only efficacious process that seemed to properly function when I saw Shawn sitting there on the edge, staring off onto the ground which laid a good 20 feet below him. Death wasn't certain, but if he snapped his neck that would be an instant death. He was staring down, the terrain beckoning him with open arms.

'Fell off a roof my ass.' My brain screamed, signaling me to do something. I didn't know how to help him, but doing nothing would push me to live with the guilt of his death. 

"Shawn! Don't move okay? Don't move!" I screamed out, the desperation in my tone strong enough to lurch forward tears from the back of my head. He froze, those sapphire eyes fixated on the ground. Nothing was halcyon, and nothing was bucolic. It was dead silent. Death's scythe lingered at the edge of Shawn's battered body. 

"Leave me alone." He hissed, gloved hand gripping onto the edge of the roof, shingles tucked under his fingers. I couldn't quite tell, but I swore I saw him shaking, tears were impossible to detect. 

"People care about you! I care about you and I don't even know you that well." Shawn shook his head, looking down at me. He brushed his sleeve against his face, raising his brow.

"You really are like every other kid." He mumbled, pushing his hair back with his hand, the strands of black intertwining with his fingers. Luckily, the memoir was continued.

"Oh shit! Shawn's sitting on a roof. He's gonna jump because he's the depressed emo kid!" He mocked, adorning a vesture of mockery. He then continued, "I'm stargazing." 

He pointed to the cloudy, but clear sky. Various little stars sparkled, glowing with an almost magical radiance. Their patterns so familiar to some, but distant to me. 

"If you're stargazing. Then why not at your home?" I inquired, pressing my point to verify. Shawn was still shaking, and I was able to notice that movement. 

"People think I'm suicidal. Probably not the best idea to sit on a roof with people around everywhere, but you see how that worked out." He motioned over to me, his glasses blinding my sight into his eyes. 

"Just because I fell from here once doesn't mean I'm not going to stop coming up here. It's my safe place." He explained, rubbing the back of his neck. The more I thought about it, the more that I found myself believing his claim. His dad was awful over the phone, getting outside to stare into space sounded like a good kind of therapy. 

"You should get down. I'm not leaving until you do." I said, obstinately putting my foot down into the soil. Shawn didn't have much to say to that, it was a solid statement. I wasn't going to leave until I was sure there wouldn't be another injury. 

"Your parents will worry." I persuaded, seeing the ledges on which he'd jumped on to reach the roof. It was harder to get up than back down in this case. 

"You have friends who will worry if you don't tell them you made it home." He flinched, backing away from the ledge just a little bit. 

"Everyone who loves you cares about your health. You're thin, abnormally and you're exhausted. You need sleep, come on." This time he shrugged fully standing and flipping his body around so that he held to the metal edge of the roof with just his arms, his non-broken leg sliding onto the trunk of a tree while his other leg carefully pressed against the wall of the house. 

"I'll walk you home," I said, walking over to Shawn as he scaled himself down and off of the building. I noticed how shaky he was, maybe he was just unstable or anxious. Once his boot softly landed on the ground he instantly snatched up his crutches, tears of which I assumed were out of physical pain, running down his cheeks. 

"I guess it takes some persuasion to get you to leave that roof," I mentioned as Shawn silently began making his way to his house.   
"I needed to be up there tonight. Lost track of time." He tried to explain, trying to retain balance with the crutches. He wasn’t stable at all, barely standing with the aid of the metal supports. 

"How'd you even get up there? Wouldn't that be putting a lot of pressure onto your leg?" I questioned once he managed to get a hold of himself, carefully watching where he took his next step. 

“I managed.” He mumbled, his breath probably louder than the words he’d spoken. Shawn seemed to have regained control over both whatever was going on in his head, and his physical state. 

We soon came upon what I assumed was his neighborhood. It wasn’t exactly the nicest area, lawns slightly overgrown, and fences desperately needing a whitewash. No, it wasn’t the kind of place with barred windows or gunshots at night, but rather just a barely below normal income area.

A street lamp was flickering persistently as water dripped from the internal socket, creating a puddle of dirty water underneath. We stepped aside from it, him quickly turning to face his house. It was alright looking. There was a wooden foundation, topped with bricks. I could assume it was only one story with an attic. The overlay of the roughly indentured roof was cut to a sharp edge, and it topped at the height of where most people would assume an attic would reach its average height.

There was a bright light shining from one of the windows that was most likely a part of the room left to the entry room. He sighed, allowing me to follow after him as he pressed his foot against the hardened rock of their driveway.

Something became different about him once again. He was in that mood, the one he’d been at the locker and when he picked up his phone earlier. Looking into those lapis iris’ I could practically taste the infectious disquiet. His hands were pushing with brute force onto the handles of the crutches.

“I’ll help you up the stairs?” My statement was made into a question sheerly by the tone of my voice. Shawn reluctantly nodded, knowing fully well that if he kept putting pressure on his leg then it would add more time to his recovery.

His house had three stairs leading up to the front porch, and keeping my hand against his shoulder while holding his crutches, he scaled the structure without much issue. I got the signal from his unimpressed expression. It was time for me to leave, but unfortunately, I couldn’t make my way from where he was before the door swung open. My knees locked and stare snapped at the figure who stood with the house’s lighting behind them. I wasn’t in the forward view of the person, rather their peripheral vision, so I was noticed later.

“Where the hell were you? I told you to be home an hour ago!” Mr. Ruell snapped, instinctively grabbing Shawn by the wrist and wrenching him forward. One crutch dropped against the wooden planks and the kid was barely able to keep off his broken leg. It wasn’t abuse, maybe he was just a paranoid parent who was worried for his child. The way he persistently gripped to his son’s boney wrist was odd because of how much pressure he used. Shawn might have been in pain, and based on his expression, he was more scared than the latter.

“Uh, sorry sir but he- uh needs that. I think his leg is hurting him. He was with me.” I spoke up, looking at the metal beam on the floor, now dirty from the meeting with the ground once more. Shawn’s dad immediately looked at me in shock. 

He had black hair and a different shade of blue in his eyes when compared to his son’s. His were a sickeningly pale blue, not peaceful, but just bland. 

“You got a girlfriend?” His dad said, smiling a little too much for my comfort and Shawn’s too. I shook my head, and Shawn quickly pointed to his pride pin.

“No, and I don’t plan to ever. God has cursed me with this chick somehow ending up near me all day. She’s a friend and will never be anything more.” His point was spoken loud and clear, a stern statement without any room for a mistake.

“Take off the damn pin, Shawn. It’s a good thing God quote on quote cursed you. He’s trying to fix you.” The religious type, a homophobe at heart who thinks his son is sinning without repentance. 

“I’m keeping the pin, dad.” He stated, yanking his wrist from his dad’s grip, then bending down to lift his crutch. His dad quickly grabbed him by the hood and yanked him inside, taking the crutches with them. 

I stared at the closed door, eyeing the silver latch and only hearing muffled arguing from behind the door. I just couldn't even move, not for a while. At some point, I snapped myself back into reality and ran as fast as my legs could carry me. 

There was no direction, I just didn't want to hear or see something that would choke my relatively optimistic views on his home life. Shawn broke curfew, wasn't that deserving of a talking to? Even so, it was evidently clear that it wasn't like that.


	6. The Other Group

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brooklyn finally gets to see Louis' friends, the bullies of the school.

The next day soon arrived, and with it was the repetition of the first day. My mother dragged me from the warmth of the woolen blankets which swallowed me. 

Of course, things didn't change much until I had seen the bus pull up, knowing that today was a new day. The day that I'd sit with Chandler, infamous and feared but admired as well. The bus smelled like cigarettes, the hint of pot rising from some shady kids, ones I recognized as Alexander and the other Felix. 

They both scanned my body up and down, and I was glad that I was modest with my outfit, having chosen a simple vest today along with a plain shirt. 

I took what was to be my usual seat in the back, resisting the urge to snap around and flip off the delinquents. 

Shawn was sitting in the back with his headphones on, listening to music. I stared over to look at his playlist only to see that I didn't recognize any of the titles. I assumed they were all just his taste in music, most likely some angsty tunes.

Louis was there, grinning and ignoring Shawn. He slapped his palm against the worn fabric of the seat next to him. God, the smell of smoke was choking me back there. Shawn scrunched up his nose while Louis just remained unphased, greeting me. 

"Brook! Glad you're here. I swear you'll love my friends." He didn't even ask about Markus or Nicholas. Shawn was staring at his phone with a bland stare. He didn't look well-rested.   
"I'm still going to hang with the others too." I reminded him which did send a bit of a ping of annoyance through his expression. It was almost supercilious, the look he gave me. 

Nevertheless, we ended up back at school, and the chaos quickly began to ensue just as I pressed my hands against that metal frame of the door, entering what most referred to as hell. 

Based on what I would witness in the next 8 hours, this wasn't just hell. For some people, it was the deepest pit of it, inescapable and absolutely petrifying. 

The halls were bustling, and somehow I lost Louis on my way to my locker. I kept my hands locked onto the straps of my backpack as people bumped into each other, knocking me around unintentionally. 

By the time I found my locker, I realized why it was so crowded in the area. Alexander had Shawn pinned to his locker, fist clenched up against his hoodie and putting constant pressure against his chest. Shawn's glasses were pushed to the tip of his nose, breathing uneasily as he struggled. Felix threw his crutches to the side, then snatched his headphones. 

"God, you're such a loser. What you gonna do fag? Kick me? Oh, wait you broke your leg jumping off a roof! That's fucking pathetic." Alexander asked as my eyes locked on Chandler who was smirking from the front of the crowd, watching the scene unfold to his expectations. 

Shawn didn't respond, just squirmed and whimpered uncomfortably. Felix held Shawn's headphones so that they dangled from his index finger. 

"Why do you even wear these all the time? Do you cut yourself on your neck or some shit?" He said, looking over at Shawn's cut free neck. 

"Stop it- my parents won't get me new ones. Give 'em back Felix." Shawn mumbled, only to be rammed roughly against the locker again by Alexander. 

"Shut up unless you want a black eye." He threatened, choking Shawn by yanking the hood of his sweatshirt back, then pressing his skull against the locker again. 

"Maybe without the damn headphones you'll actually learn something, dumbass," Felix said, smirking maliciously at the other's petrified expression as he slammed the headphones to the ground. Shawn flinched the second Felix brought his foot down, only once hitting the headphones, but crushing the side with his pride pin that he seemed to value so much.

"His faggot ass cares more about his little pins than the actual headphones. What are you, a fucking girl scout?" Alexander snapped, yanking on Shawn's shirt once more.

Felix raised his foot revealing only mild damage to the headphones, but the pride pin was split into pieces. The fragments seemed to completely destroy Shawn, causing him to start desperately holding back tears- but he didn't cry, his emotions inexorable. 

The poor kid was thrown to his knees as the crowd dispersed. He gathered his things, placing his worn headphones around his neck, then cupping the dismantled pride pin in his hand. His crutches were soon put to his use as he stood up. Mark and Nicholas shoved their way over to their friend, helping him stand up as he clutched onto the broken pieces of that important little pin. 

Hearing Louis scream out my name, calling me to join him, I turned away from them, reluctant but guilt drawn. 

In English I watched Shawn hunker over at his desk, fiddling with a tape dispenser, multiple times cutting his finger on the rough edge as he shakily retrieved the slick topped translucent bandage. 

Louis joked with me through most of the classes, telling me about Chandler, Alexander, Felix, Iris, Helen, and Elizabeth. I just kept my chin lazily resting in my palm as I took in his words. 

And soon, they'd be put to the test. The trial, lunch. When the bell clung against the silver dome, signaling the end of the class before lunch. Markus whipped out a pack of pastel bubblegum instantly while Nick linked arms with him, leading him and Shawn out of the room, Shawn shaking ever so slightly as his friends walked in front of him. 

Louis led me to the cafeteria and to a table that sat in the light of the room, not back in the corner like that table that the outcasted boys sat at. It was right next to where people got their food, and well off, good looking people sat there looking dapper and attractive. 

"Are you sure I'll fit in?" I mumbled, Louis turning around to face me again. His expression said most of his words. 

'Yeah, there's no doubt.' These kids were the same ones that beat up Nicholas, Screamed at Markus, and broke Shawn down. 

There were the girls, the ones I had seen in P.E. the day before, but god did the boys catch my eye. They were all so sugarcoated- almost bittersweet at some points. 

There was Felix, a sharp smile with piercing blue eyes. His clothing was dark, almost as if he were Shawn's frat boy version. The dark black leather jacket over a deep crimson shirt sure gave him that almost emo resemblance to the bullied outcast.

Alexander, probably the most douchey of the group. He wore a backward baseball cap to cover his messy hair, and had on a loose tank top along with some tattoo on his wrist. His smirk was dumb, but the threatening clench of his fists was a warning. 

Finally, Chandler, he seemed himself the leader of the group. He had a sadistic smirk, truly down to the ivory heart laid the reminisce of pure bloodlust and perhaps the key to his own addiction to drawing the grade by marionette strings. His attire was normal, a nice shirt tucked into his jeans. It was just his attitude and those sharp eyes that complemented the grin, that broke his benevolent facade.

Louis and I both brought lunches, so we wasted no time rushing over to sit with the group. He took his seat next to Chandler which had been reserved by the leader himself. I didn't know how close he and Louis were. 

I took a seat next to Louis and beside Iris. Unlike Shawn, she seemed open to my arrival, and her friends shared acceptance. Something felt off-putting, saying they'd been so rude the day before at lunch. 

"Heard you broke the freak's little pin and gave him a bit of a roughing up, Alex." Iris noted, starting off the topic with something I definitely didn't want to discuss, though part of me wanted to know what Alexander would say. 

"Damn right I did. The fag had another one of his panic attacks. God, he'’s such a loser." He said flicking the back of his hat and smirking, showing his absolute pride in his brutal assail. I didn’t want to show my grimace, the appalled snarl just subtly resting against my cheeks.

“He can barely even get a word out without stuttering. Who else agrees that his cringe was probably the reason for why he’d wanna jump off a roof?” Helen remarked, snickering at the rude comment she made. Felix flipped up his hand, kicking his shoe against the metal pole under the table. It smacked with an obnoxious reverberation, and Chandler’s attention was grabbed. The leader spoke,

“Too bad he didn’t hit the ground harder.” Louis snickered at that, yet Shawn still considered him his friend. Louis believed Shawn jumped, and laughed at it, not to mention Chandler’s awfully apathetic remark. His words were poisonous, a threatening drug of popularity. If you didn’t laugh you would be outed, so nervous or not, everyone snickered at the mention of his suicide attempt.

“Or he got tired of his freak friends. Actually, know what I heard?” Elizabeth spoke up, smirking as she leaned onto the rim of the table. I couldn’t find it in me to participate in whatever conversation laid near the horizon. After all, it was bound to be something terrible. Sure enough with a pursed-lip, I listened to the spiteful comments slapped into the conversation.

“Rumor has it that Markus and Nicholas were making out in the back locker room yesterday after P.E. Nobody knows what happened after, but I say that they went full-on.” Alexander faked a gag reflex, pushing his middle finger to the orifice of his mouth. Helen and Iris nodded, confirming her friend's information. 

"I didn't think Mark and Nick were a thing," I said, curiously leaning onto my palm. Iris swapped onto some social media on her phone, posting something about the scandal. Her phrasing was so harsh that I felt offended for Mark and Nicholas. 

Helen perked in, flipping her dark black hair over her shoulder as she responded to my inquiry. 

"Rumor has it they are, which basically means it's true. If they were actually caught by someone confirmed, it would completely ruin their gay asses. But, have you seen them. I wouldn't doubt it if they made out and shit. If Mark isn't a faggot then the theater kid totally is." She was pretty convincing, and that was scary. In a school full of homophobes like Alexander and Iris being outed as the gay kid would be a death sentence. 

I didn't mind if they were gay. They had something there, but it wasn't anyone's place to judge.

"That whole group is made of fags." Felix snapped, popping his lip and nudging over to Louis as if searching for confirmation. Louis kept silent, almost as if he were reluctant.

"Hey, virgin, that's right, right? They're all gay."Louis rolled his eyes and snapped back at that. 

"I'm not a virgin, and sure whatever you say, Alex." It wasn't surprising that Louis had gone past third base, but it wasn't exactly something I'd thought about. 

"Woah, woah, with who, Lou?" He asked, seeming rather shocked that his friend had slept with someone. Louis’ shoulders raised ever so slightly, his lip being gnawed at by his teeth. Through the sudden spike of fear, I noticed at one point that Louis sucked in a breath through his teeth, a chill spiking through his body.

"None of your business. I- I’ll be right back.” And with that Louis stood up, walking over to the napkin and condiment section of the cafeteria. With the newfound lack of a topic, the group fell silent, eyes drifting to food or other tables. I looked over at Shawn’s table where Markus sat, leaning onto the table with his hands over his face and Nicholas patting him on the back as he himself appeared to be unsettled. That’s when I noticed both of their phones laying overturned on the table. 

I looked over to Shawn who was still on his phone, reading something from the way his finger was slowly dragging against the glass. I spoke,

"Is there anyone Shawn would think that I am trying to replace?" Everyone heard me but kept their mouths shut, shaking their heads as if it weren't a response. 

"They're all freaks. I mean Markus is such a weird geek and Nick is a protective fag. Shawn's probably gonna shoot up the school. I dunno though, there was one kid, Matthew, but doubt you’ll ever see that faggot again." Iris remarked, Alexander vigorously nodding in agreement. The guilt was enough to make me restrain from frowning. They weren't bad people and didn't deserve that kind of stuff being said behind their backs. 

I nearly gasped when Louis tapped my shoulder, his expression tight, almost sweaty in nature. Chandler shot him a look, one I couldn't quite read, but that somehow I managed to notice from the corner of my eye.

Once we were in the hall, Louis let his body relax, shoving his hands into his pockets.

"You were tense. What did you want to talk about?" Louis once more let his shoulder raise. His breath as piercing as an injection to the skin. Words the equivalent of the ailment released, harmless yet training me for what was to come. 

"I forgot how much they shit talk Shawn and the others. Don't tell them, okay?" He asked, tugging at his shirt in such a manner that the cotton fold of the fabric unveiled a vesture of marks, results of oscillation to the neck, no doubt. His mistake was corrected with haste, thumb snapping the fabric back into place. 

"Fine, but you gotta tell me who gave you those marks." Louis chewed his lip for a moment, and for the first time, I began to really put him together. From the odd opinions to his stable ignorance of his old friends and finally to the love marks which covered his lower neck. Someone had to have Louis either wrapped around their finger or accidentally was pressuring him. 

"I-I uh can't tell you who but it's equally embarrassing to say it wasn't a girl." Louis seemed extremely uncomfortable with the topic, and his body language was screaming for rescue- circumventing the area to avoid making eye contact. 

"Not embarrassing. Shawn and Nick are gay, and Mark is clearly something in the realm of the homosexuality chart. He's like straight but probably likes dudes. I don't have a single issue with gay people, Louis." He sighed, allowing his hand to mindlessly brush through the curly blonde hair which sat comfortably atop his head. 

"Yeah, just don't speak a word of this to anyone. I doubt Chandler would allow it, but if I get outed from the group then I'm dead." Quite an overdramatic statement in my fair opinion. He seemed to genuinely harvest in its fidelity. 

"You wouldn't die, Louis. This is high school." I bluntly reminded him. The stare and response given both snapped with the blaze of a fervent warning. 

"You march with the top of the chain and everyone respects you. You get shot down to the bottom and suddenly everyone wants you dead and they thrive off your worthlessness." Louis mumbled, staring down the hall with a look that I could only describe as focused. He was loquacious, but his speech only confused me more. 

"You can't actually die, and when I look at them, Markus, Nicholas, and Shawn, I don't see them dead, if the people at the top backed off them then they'd be the only people living, thriving without that terrifying formality that you are oppressed by." Louis shook his head at me, answering clearly. He'd rather be alive and respected than afraid and living. I sighed, my hands fell to my hips, knowing that Louis was in a rough spot.

We stood motionless for a moment or two, his chest rising and falling while the rubber padding of his shoe clung to the slick tiles of the floor. 

"Louis" Someone finally spoke, but my lips were locked. I turned to see none other than the dark-haired boy who clung to his crutches, Shawn Ruell. 

"Plague of Death is at my place tonight. Come, or don't. I couldn't care less." He said the strong aroma of pure pain lingered in the pitch of his voice stood there. He was damaged, but not broken. If he knew Louis was a bad person he'd not invite him, and surely he knew that Louis contributed to the god awful things that Chandler and his friends did. 

Then again, Shawn was full of mysteries. From whatever happened in February to the way he seemed to hate me, he was a walking script of inquires. 

"I'll be there." Louis and I both chimed in at the same moment. Shawn rolled his eyes at me but kept his face straight when looking at Louis. 

"Okay then. Now, I'm going to smoke at Mat's house, bye." Yesterday, Shawn was an emotional mess. Today it seemed as if a blanket had been draped over his facade leaving a mask of lies. 

He willingly said that he was going off campus to smoke at a house, the dude didn't even care if Louis ratted him out or he blindly trusted him. 

"That's where he goes every day? He doesn't hit me as the smoking type." I said once he'd limped off out of earshot. 

"Yeah, he doesn't smoke a lot. Half the time he just needs to get out and calm himself down. I hope he's not suicidal and going to stand off the edge of something but returning when he sees that he has some worth." I looked at Louis again. 

"Yesterday, you said he was suicidal." I reminded him, tired of the contradictions. He just couldn't keep his damn mind straight. 

"Chandler said that, and I believe him. He is suicidal but I just have a hard time accepting that." Ah, yes the manipulative jerk of the school who probably was living a life among kings. Who wouldn't believe the well dressed, and quite handsome jerk? He just seemed too perfect. 

"Chandler talks shit about him almost 24/7 and literally hates the guy. I don't think he would have the best judgment on whether or not Shawn was stable mentally." I reminded Louis, knowing that Chandler was almost able to convince every teacher to let him get on with harassing the vulnerable group of children. 

"He's a good guy! You don't know him, Brooklyn- stop making him sound like an asshole. He's-" a shadow overcast Louis, and I let my lips press violently shut as I stared at the figure behind him. 

"It's so rude to gossip about someone who's listening, Louis." Louis went white and saying he was definitely an ear blusher the fact that his ears were pale just punched me in the face with his overwhelming fear.

"Chandler! I was just uh-" He shut himself up. He wasn't dumb enough to keep talking. Chandler had the power to ruin him and his life apparently. 

"Shut up, and come with me." He snapped, his voice not threatening but there was not one glimmer of kindness. I decided to make a run for it to my next class, seeing as Chandler wasn't even acknowledging my existence. 

After school, it seemed things were about to lunge into place.


	7. Sorry About Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The group watches on as Shawn has to deal with his family.

Sometimes, it hit me that I took my mother for granted. She was kind and an amazing woman and some kids didn't get that. Shawn Ruell was one of those kids. 

Stepping up to his house, I quickly noticed a few things, Nicholas' car, and what I could assume was Louis' bike. Nick had a hardship license from what I'd figured out, so looking at the car wasn't a surprise. 

I walked up to Shawn's house just as I had the day prior, staring at the place where his crutches had fallen that night and picturing in my head a bruise on his scrawny wrist. 

I knocked on the door and was met by none other than Nicholas Rivers, who'd been such a gentleman as to open the door for his crippl- friend. 

"Hey, Brook! Come on in!" His theatrical personality shone as he acted like the place was his house, welcoming me without a spit of hesitation. 

I walked in, following Nicholas into the living room where I saw the other three boys. 

Shawn was on his phone with his headphones over his ears. He was being as antisocial as possible while everyone else enjoyed the chips and queso on the table. 

Markus had the melted cheese scatted on his face after, from what I assumed, was a dare for him to try and pack as much queso as he could onto one chip. 

Louis sat opposite of Shawn on another chair with the salsa bowl in his hands. He laid back against the cushions and awkwardly looked around. 

I took a seat next to Nicholas on the couch, watching as he smiled at Markus. He cupped his friend's face and wiped off the bits of dip with a napkin. 

"You're so messy, Mark." He said, letting his hand fall away from Markus' cheeks. 

"Hey, this is Beckett's fault." He grumbled, looking away from his friend for just a moment. 

"Call me that again and I'll kick you so hard in the nuts that you'll be stuck in Shawn's house until senior year. Also, you eat like a lawnmower." Louis responded, going back to having his focus fixated upon his food. 

"Please don't get stuck in Shawn's house. I'd die without my play audition emotional support." Nick begged the blue-haired boy, a pleading frown on his face. Markus nudged his friend in the shoulder. 

"I would drag my crippled ass to school before abandoning you." His tone was light and humorous, but that just seemed to have much more than a friendly undertone. 

"Very flirtatious today," Shawn mumbled, making sure that everyone heard him while not even moving his eyes from the screen of his device. 

"We aren't flirting, Shawn- and Louis get that smug ass-" Nicholas would've continued if it weren't for Markus' hand being slapped over his mouth. Just at the right moment, Mrs. Ruell stopped in, not having heard any of the prior banter. 

"Shawn Cadel Ruell, what have I said about wearing those gloves in the house, they make you look like you're going to rob someone! And Take off your headphones, young man!" His mother snapped, not paying attention to us four, who all just stared. 

"Yes, I completely forgot about those rules. Not like I haven't heard them multiple times. Sorry mom, that I just want to relax after being beaten down all day." He snapped as his headphones slid down to lay around his neck. His mother seemed quite mad but fixated onto me and the other boys.

I kept looking at Shawn, staring at his newly revealed hands, god did they look awful. Sure enough, there was a nasty bruise on his wrist, but his hands were just horrific to see. 

The skin was burnt, giving it an irritated salmon color, it looked like he'd burnt it recently, the poor skin looking disheveled. 

"A girl? Shawn are you finally-" Shawn shut his mother up instantly.

"No mom, I'm not suddenly fixed. This is Brooklyn who isn't even my friend, she's friends with Louis and those two. I'm still gay, mom." He said, pulling out his pride pin to show her. The pin was actually glued together, the tape had been removed and replaced with a much cleaner gauze. 

"Come here." She snapped, yanking Shawn into the kitchen by his ear. Shawn gave Louis a little motion and the blonde rose to his feet. 

He leads us all down a hallway and into Shawn's bedroom which smelled like lavender, meaning his mom had forced him to clean it. Nobody's room smelled that good without force. 

Even though we were in the room with the door closed, I could hear Shawn being yelled at by his mother. There were mentions of him staying at a conversion camp next summer instead of normal therapy and how boarding school for the troubled might whip him into shape. Conversion camp seemed extremely terrifying, especially for poor little Shawn. The guy would surely get torn to shreds by the monsters who were being paid to hurt him. 

His mom kept trying to say she loved him and wanted him to be safe, but next thing I know the bedroom door swings open and then shuts with Shawn standing there, looking a bit pissed off, but relatively calm considering the discord of which had been thrown into place. 

Looking at my friends, they all had reactions of their own. Louis was nervously fidgeting with his shirt, keeping his head down. Markus had allowed himself to place his hand onto Nicholas' hand in search of comfort while Nick seemed more concerned for Markus than for himself or Shawn. 

"First Alex and Felix then Chandler and now this. I'm just lucky Mr. Steinsend didn't give me hell today, and finally, we end up with my mom's bullshit." Shawn ranted, leaning against the door and not making any move to move forward into his room. Mr. Steinsend was our math teacher, a relatively nice guy at first glance, but rumors floated that he'd hit kids with rulers before. 

"Aren't you just a ray of sunshine," Louis mumbled as Markus tossed his gum into a nearby trash can. Shawn snapped instantly.

"Yesterday, I was out of whack enough. The past few days were practically a repeat of February and I don't have the time to put up with my emotional bullshit, so here we are. Shut the fuck up, Louis, and deal." Nicholas stood up, Markus copying the action. 

"Damnit, I was getting used to non-asshole Shawn." He said, snapping his fingers ever so slightly. Shawn rolled his eyes without a trace of amusement. 

"I'm not being an asshole. I've just decided to get a hold of my gay ass and start acting like I usually do." He explained, pushing the door open again and allowing us to follow him. 

We soon arrived in a small room, the basement if I was correct. It had a nice couch and two side chairs along with a coffee table that was covered by various controllers and game packages. 

The lights were dim in comparison to the blaring glow of the television, just causing me to focus on the pixelated avatars that appeared on the screen once Markus pushed in the disk he'd brought. 

On popped a new character once Louis connected his controller, a blonde-haired little townsman with charming looks and beaming blue eyes. 

There we began, Shawn passionately playing along, though his cold attitude was only broken on the rare occasion something amazing happened. Still, there wasn't a smile.

Then, someone swung around from the stairs, voice booming with a malicious cut, a blade which was built to scar. She had black hair and the same blue eyes that Shawn's father owned. 

"Hey, faggot! You down here having a threesome with your boyfriends?" She asked, marching over and grabbing Shawn by the back of his hood, he was pulled back against the couch, being choked by his own hood. 

I heard him mutter an insult underneath his breath, but he couldn't mention more before his sister smacked him in the face with her combat boot. Mark sucked in a sharp breath and looked away, Nicholas instinctively doing the same while keeping close to his best friend. 

Louis stared blankly, unable to fully tear his gaze away from the scene. 

"You're so fucking annoying, Shawn! Why didn't you jump onto concrete so mom and dad wouldn't have to live with your gay ass!" She asked, yanking his hair once which caused him to just barely wince. 

"Fuck off, Kristolyn." Shawn hissed, trying to regain his breath, and almost oblivious to the fact that his sister had reached into his coat pocket. 

"Don't tell me what to do! Ugh, Mom and Dad really fucked up when they didn't send you to that correctional school, cock sucker." I wondered what Shawn had done to set his sister into a rage, but my thoughts were quickly brushed away when Shawn flipped out and clawed Kristolyn, who freaked at the sight of her barely bloody arm. 

"And you don't touch my damn stuff!" He snapped back, crossing his arms over his chest. 

"I'm searching for drugs cause our parents are dumbasses for not sending you away," Shawn growled at her for that remark, raising up his middle finger without hesitation. 

"Go away." He grumbled, ready to get back to PoD which we had been vigorously playing for the past two hours. 

"Mom! Shawn scratched me!" Kristolyn screamed, turning around and running back up the stairs. Shawn tugged at the brim of his hoodie, then pressed start again on the controller. Nicholas and Markus both backed off each other, forgetting to say no homo for their strong physical solitude. 

We all kept silent about the ordeal, Shawn clearly stating through his passive-aggressive behavior that he didn't want to talk about it. 

As we attempted to continue, I noticed Nicholas was tapping his foot and his hands were a bit shaken. Markus was giving Shawn reassuring grins, but he seemed to know that they were made in absolute vain. Louis was trying to be as nice as possible to 

"Shawn!" That was the voice of an angry mother, and one I wouldn't ever want to piss off. Once more the game flickered to a game over screen as Shawn set down his controller. 

His mother rounded the corner of the stairs and tugged him off the couch. 

"What the hell? I didn't do anything. She was hitting me and I defended myself." He said in defense, earning nods from all of us. She grabbed him by the back of his neck, not putting much force, but still maintaining control of any movement

“You could’ve come and gotten me instead of clawing her!” She argued, which didn’t have much sense to it. After all, at the time Shawn was being beaten with a shoe. He was helpless.

“I-uh…” He tried to duck away, wrenching his neck out of her grip to look her in the eye. He didn’t want to be degraded in front of his friends and lose all of his dignity. 

“You’re grounded, young man! Go to your room. I’m sending your friends home.” She said, pushing him in the direction of the stairs, forgetting he was on crutches, and quickly catching him before he tripped due to his own weight shifting so suddenly.

“Bye guys, Brooklyn.” He mumbled, his usual farewell. He’d never address me as one of the guys or one of his friends. I sighed, looking over at Louis once Shawn had disappeared up the staircase.

“He hates me,” I said, completely forgetting that his mother was standing right behind me. 

“Won’t be a problem if you hang with Chandler and me.” He said, kicking his feet up on the coffee table. He was about as convincing as a stern respondent, hey, maybe he had a career in law. 

“I’m so sorry about Shawn. He’s in therapy and I can’t thank you enough for trying to be his friends.” His mother said, addressing everyone in the room. Shawn didn’t like his little rehabilitation therapy and seemed persistent in isolating himself. His own mother didn’t quite regard how much he despised therapy and the labels that came with him.

“He’s very depressed and unstable. He’s not touched any of you boys, right? I know he’s persistent with his homosexual sinning.” God, this woman made me sick to my stomach. Shawn may hate me, but he deserves parents that accept him for who he is.

“I assure you, Mrs. Ruell, that Shawn has no romantic feelings for any of us, I promise,” Nicholas swore, his acting talent coming to use with that suave delivery of words. That dark hair he had, fluffed up as he took his stand with Markus staring with a glimmer in his eye. I couldn’t quite put a label on the boy’s stare. Engrossed, inspired, or possibly just shining with admiration were all in the realm of possibility. Nicholas had Markus captivated, there was no doubt about that, but whether their relationship had more than a friendship would depend on Markus’ ability to stop laughing off everything and confront his feelings, if there were any. 

At the least, he admired Nick, especially for the things he was about to say.

“Just because he’s gay doesn’t mean he gets on his knees for every guy he comes across. He’s a pretty cool dude, Mrs. Ruell. Maybe you should look at him as your son instead of constantly labeling him because of his sexuality.” He explained, smiling all throughout his speech. Mrs. Ruell shook her head, in an almost condescending manner. Her face practically screamed, “Oh you’d never understand. You’re just a dumb teenager.” 

“You’re so stubborn, Nicholas. Thank you for standing up for Shawn, but I do believe I am the adult in this situation.” Shots were fired, and Nicholas avoided them with a nervous grin, his heart beating out of his chest as his nerves were yanked at.

“Anyhow, I do believe it would be best if I sent you home. Shawn’s got to leave for therapy soon anyways. It was a pleasure having you all over, and I’m so sorry for his behavior.” We all just nodded, used to going along with whatever adults said. Nicholas had taken his jab, and nobody else wanted to push the dagger in any further. 

So, we all stood up, leaving the house and parting ways, but Louis didn’t leave without one more persistent comment, an invite for me.

“Iris is having a party in November. Dunno much about it, but I hope to see you there.”


	8. Moms Right Here

And, the birch wood of the front door slammed shut from behind me. The familiar cool of the metal doorknob clinging to my pale skin as I glanced into the kitchen. To my puerile surprise, I stared face to face with my mother. See, being a single mom, she usually worked late hours, so it was a special treat to see her home early. 

“Mom, hi! I didn’t expect you to be home.” I greeted, completely embarrassed that I’d neglected telling her that I would be over at Shawn’s place, actually, I’d failed to tell her most about anything that had been going on in the past few weeks. She barely even recognized the names Louis or Shawn, and I didn’t even know if she’d heard me talk about Nick. 

"Where in the world were you?" She asked, not exactly scared but definitely curious at the least. 

"Antisocial gay kid's house, his names Shawn Ruell. He hates me but invited me over cause I'm friends with his friends." I explained, taking a seat at the kitchen table next to my mother. 

My mother looked up, her eyes locking with mine in a pleasant surprise, though an uncomfortable phase rested upon her smile. 

"I've heard that name before." She spoke, that in itself making me a bit worried. If she'd heard of him before then she probably knew more than I did. She was one to engage in copious amounts of research before sending her daughter to a new school. 

"I do believe he's the poor kid who's parents found out he was dating another boy. Poor thing was destroyed by the event from what I'd heard. Not quite sure what happened in the end." So, Shawn had a boyfriend. That wasn't a surprise. For all I knew, he had been dating Nick or Mark. 

"Yeah, that sounds about right. He's- I just don't get him. He hates me, mom." My mother put her hand on top of mine, which laid comfortably on the table. She squeezed my hand.

"Kids like him really need a good friend, Brook." She said, looking at me with a pleading smile. She knew me and was fully aware of the fact that I had a big heart, and man did I pity Shawn. 

"I know and I'll try my best. Luckily, everyone else likes me." I said in an attempt to lighten the mood. I watched the tip of my mother's lips just barely move into a smile. Suddenly, her body flinched and she looked at me with an amazed grin. 

"Oh! I forgot to tell you. I ran into Markus' mother today." She exclaimed, her eyes glimmering with pride. Apparently, Mrs. Fletcher said good things about me. 

"She said you were a sweetheart and just so kind to everyone. She said Markus liked you, but then sarcastically hinted towards Mark being a little gay." My mother paused for just a moment. 

"Brooklyn, I think all of your new friends are gay." I couldn't help but snort in a laugh. I couldn't even say that Louis was straight because of the hickies that he was so secretive about. 

"Can't say you're wrong." I managed to reply through snickering, but my heart began to throb just a little. Shawn was struggling. Nicholas and Markus were well-facaded mysteries. Louis was a complete ball of confusion tied up into one boy. 

"I worry about all of them. I don't know them. I don't know what their lives are like and they're good liars." My mother nodded. 

"I'd imagine. Just do your best. You're such an amazing girl." She shook her head, pushing her work to the side just a little bit. 

"I don't know what I did to deserve such a great daughter." That always made me smile, no matter how edgy I wanted to be, even in my teen years I couldn't reject my mother's love. 

Anyhow, my mother soon left to take a call, leaving me to think. Well, at that time there wasn't much need to think. See, the story had barely begun and I'd already trapped myself in a position where I had no outlet, and all the escape routes were bolted. 

Things began to pick up in late November.


	9. November's Full Of Lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When at Chandler's house Brooklyn notices that Louis Beckett begins acting off after being locked in a closet with Chandler for 7 mins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Themes of physical/sexual abuse in this chapter

***Mild Sexual Themes***  
 **November, 2015**  
Somehow, I had managed to keep a steady pace of hanging out with both Chandler's group and Shawn's. My relationship with Shawn remained sour, almost as bitter as a green apple in a certain sense. Chandler didn't have an ounce of my trust, knowing that his little facade was covering up something much darker. If the bruises and scratches all over Shawn didn't prove his insanity, then surely his causal harassment of Nick and Mark. 

It seemed that things were beginning to take a worse turn. I'd rather the story had remained with my friends in their unstable relationships than crack and break into the god awful hysteria that awaited me. 

Yet there I sat, in a circle with a bottle and the rules of Seven Minutes In Heaven implanted into my skull, though my scruples practically wrenched my body in protest against the game. 

Of course, this was at Iris' house, Shawn's group would never do anything so scandalous if they were sober, from what I'd heard drunk Shawn was quite the party. At least, that's what Louis had let slip to me. 

Luckily, I had ended up once with Helen who was a kind kid in comparison to Iris and Chandler. She reminded me of Louis just a little bit, in the sense that she made horrible choices but had the potential to be a good person. 

We'd talked in the closet about various bits of gossip, barely even mentioning Shawn's group because she was the only girl capable of taking a caprice hint, I didn't like gossiping about them. 

Of course, things got interesting the second the bottle landed on Louis during Chandler's spin. Throughout the rest of the game, everyone laughed and joked. Even when Alex or Felix got paired with one of the three girls they simply talked the whole time, nobody being in the mood for any flirting or anything along those lines. 

Alexander cracked a joke. 

"Pfft, alright Louis show Chandler how good you are with your totally not a virgin body." I knew Louis had some sort of lover, and could understand why the comment would make him just a tad upset, but his body language was much more perturbed. 

His shoulders were raised, and his hands continuously fidgeted with his shirt in desperation for some distraction to calm them. His face was flushed just a little red, and those crystal blue eyes couldn't find their usual confidence. 

"I'm straight, Alex," Louis mumbled, rising shakily to his feet as Chandler grabbed him by his shoulder, fingers gripping pretty tight. 

Once the closet door shut and their seven minutes began, people began whispering. 

"Someone go listen in. They probably have a shit ton of tea to spill and there's no way I'm missing out on that." Elizabeth said, grinning with the edge of a bitchy grin. See, everyone was always so willing to just invade everyone's privacy and not with any good intentions either. 

"If you want to hear, go listen," Felix said, his reasoning about as plain as I'd expected. He wouldn't oppose it, but he'd put it in the bluntest form that he could. 

Iris ran her hand through her black hair, a compact mirror in her left palm. She simply noted,

"Brooklyn should go or Helen. That's a dare by the way." My one weakness were dares, and I sure as hell didn't like giving in. Of course, I never would offer any of those girls information if I did overhear something, so there didn't seem to be any harm in it. 

I carefully crept over to the closet, everyone else staring at me with complete fascination, well, except Iris, but it took a lot to get her attention away from her looks. 

I kept my ear against the wood, not expecting what I was about to hear. Hell, I should've meditated before going up to that door, my god I was horrified and confused. 

"You're so slow, dipshit. Seven minutes isn't enough, and you're pissing me off." Chandler whispered, his tone poisonous, ment to at the very least make Louis feel like shit. 

"I'm sorry." Louis wheezed, sounding extremely hoarse and out of breath. I had no idea what in the world they were doing, but I had an idea and it just made my stomach ache. 

I retreated back to my seat, not uttering a word, just putting my hands against my face. Elizabeth stood up to go listen because my reaction intrigued her, but luckily, Helen gripped her by the ankle. 

"No, Liz, I think they're talking about something personal." She whispered, yanking the blonde back to the floor.

"Ugh, that would be even better." I rolled my eyes at that, unable to keep my loud mouth from replying snarkily. 

"Maybe if you were close with someone, you'd understand why someone might want to have a private conversation. Hint, it's because they're insecure." Of course, I didn't want to straight up tell her they might have been doing something that wasn't PG, but warning her to respect their privacy was good enough. 

"Chandler isn't the insecure type, but he's close with Louis and I wouldn't doubt if the guy had some problems," Alexander explained, making sure the two kids in the closet didn't overhear him. 

"Really, I wouldn't be surprised if Louis liked guys or some type of anxiety. That's probably as deep as it goes for the guy. I wouldn't judge him for either of those." Helen stated, twirling one of her black braids around the tender skin of her phalanges. 

"That's one of the reasons I don't like being a jerk to Shawn if I'm being honest." She continued, her words not fervent, but she clearly had a soul behind it.

“It doesn’t matter. Stop thinking about it.” Alexander snapped, not looking Helen in the eye, possibly out of his own shame. His guilt biting at him just a little in that moment. 

‘What will it take to get them to realize they’re hurting him?’ I pondered silently, my chin resting in the clutch of my palm, leaning over on my knee which laid outstretched before.

The timer then rang out, making its electrical presence known with its obnoxious ringtone. Felux and Alexander both shouted Times Up, as if the alarm wasn't enough.

It took the boys a hot second to get out, and when they did Louis was a wreck. His vision was acutely blurred, and his body was shaking, though barely noticeable past the cuff of his shirt as he messily tried to hold himself together. His cheeks were bright red, probably from crying because the tears he held back were obvious. 

Everyone was confused, even I was. Louis hadn't ever cried in front of us before, and he looked like he was about to break down sobbing right there. 

I noticed the slightest bit of horror slip onto Iris' face, showing the little bit of humanity that seemed to exist in her corporeal little world. Helen's reaction was the same as mine, confused but most of all, we couldn't hold back a grimace. Perhaps it was disgust or just some relentless ire, but I was irked to a dangerous point.

'What the hell happened?' I thought, scanning up the two kids. They were my age, fourteen to fifteen years old. What could someone that age have done in seven minutes that didn't result in a struggle? 

I sincerely wanted nothing more than to punch the grin right off of Chandler's face. The supercilious manner and apathy didn't float well with me. 

Elizabeth and Felix both took recessive approaches to the situation staring at the pair in confusion, awaiting some sort of explanation. Alexander was the only one of us who spoke out. 

"Louis, what the hell man? Chandler, you asshole, what did you do?" He asked, showing a bit of jest though we all knew damn well there was a truly pressing issue. 

Chandler swung his arm around Louis who didn't even move, barely flinching. 

"I didn't do anything. The guy forgot to say he had claustrophobia and didn't want to chicken out." From what I'd overheard, Louis and Chandler weren't talking about the small space, rather Chandler was insulting the guy while Louis apologized profusely for nothing. 

"He's sweaty as hell, though." Chandler continued, taking his arm off of his "best friend" 

"Dude, you know where my room is. Go dry up and change into one of my outfits." Louis was a sweaty mess and didn't even hesitate before bolting off, still drowning in his mess of an anxiety attack. 

The moment Louis ran out, Chandler sat back down, smiling with a carefree grin. Seven Minutes in Heaven was dropped, and we all began a game of Truth or Dare. My interest was dropped, and I decided to excuse myself from the room. 

"I'm going to the bathroom," I said, my true motives masked by my impassive expression, blocking out any suspicion. Not one of them bat an eye, lucky for me. 

I ran off, not to the bathroom, but down the cream painted walls of the hallway and turning into Chandler's bedroom. 

Of course, Chandler's room was quite pampered into a palatial styled dimly lit room. It was kept clean to an almost obsessive degree. The red bedding gave almost a carnal twist to the room. 

On the floor, sat Louis, who clearly has beyond just a normal panic attack. Even if someone like Shawn was breaking down in the away Louis was, I'd be hesitant to ask them what happened in fear for my own mental sanity. 

What was truly horrifying was the condition his body was in, and I'd been ignorant not to notice it before. He was covered in lacerations, clearly not made by himself. Bruises also seemed to pan over the entire area of his skin, hickies resting next to bite wounds on his neck and shoulders. 

His shirt was off because he'd been trying to change into one of Chandler's sweatshirts, but kept going into a shaky state of hysteria. 

"Louis-" I calmly spoke, hoping to have somewhat of a mellifluous tone to my words. Making him uncomfortable or scared would only worsen the situation, and I just wanted to know what was going on. 

He jolted, staring up at me in a newly engendered stupefaction. Saline beads of tears tipped off the edge of his chin as he tried to perceive the fact that I was standing there. 

"Privacy- I" He smacked himself in the face, not lightly, but full-on whacked himself. I quickly ran forward and knelt down next to him, making a quick move to lightly grab his wrists so that he couldn't hit himself. I didn't want to see him do that again. 

"Did Chandler do this?" I asked, scanning up his entire body. Louis halted for a moment, shakily retrieving a breath. 

"Louis, you can tell me if he's hurting you. This is abusive and it's clearly damaging you." I said, rubbing my thumb against the soft skin on the back of his hand. He brought his hand to his eye, pushing away tears. 

"Chandler's a good person. He'd never hurt me on purpose." His defense still didn't persuade me, though he had seemed to regain more of a control over himself. 

"What did you do in that closet? You aren't claustrophobic and we both know this. So, what happened in that closet?" I asked, not allowing him to put his shirt on by continuing to keep a loose hold on his hands, just in case. I also wanted to take in his injuries so that I could know just how bad he was being hurt.

"I-I we… dirty talk led to one thing and then I-I'm on my knees. He didn't do anything wrong. I've just been dealing with a lot. Hence the bruises, so I just got emotional is all." He was shaking once more, my hand rested gently against my lap as he began to slide on the hoodie. Chandler and Louis had some kind of sensuous relationship.

"I heard him call you a dipshit." The ice must have shattered just a little. 

"He uh thinks it turns me on." He said, attempting to regain that happy go lucky Louis facade. His face and ears were both a bit red, but whether from the erotic thoughts or from crying, he wanted both emotions gone. 

"You can't say anything to the others or to Chandler. He'd be really mad at me if he knew I told you." Something about it felt so wrong. One, Chandler seemed so straight and was constantly homophobic, so for him and Louis to have a thing was odd. Two, Louis made it seem like someone else had given him those bruises. There was clearly some hidden fear of Chandler in Louis, either that or someone really was beating the poor kid that wasn't the well known popular kids. 

"I'll keep a secret, but if he didn't beat you then-" Rudely, Louis stood up and ran out of the room, away from me and the question I was going to ask. Hopefully, he'd tell me the truth about his relationship and whatever else was going on in his messy life. 

He didn't seem like he wanted to talk. 

**Louis' POV**

My arm was swollen and my knees hurt, the physical pain I was in nearly overrode my panic attack. I kept my tongue underneath my tooth, gnawing on it lightly as I pulled on the woolen strings of my sweatshirt, fidgeting was so obvious. Keeping my shoulders raised, I continued down the hall, ignoring the question that Brooklyn had decided to so carelessly toss at me. That question would go unanswered.

‘You’re fine. Nobody caught you and nobody knows other than Brooklyn. But he’ll be pissed off that he had to come up with a lie.’ Right, Chandler had lied about me having claustrophobia. My mother said it was my ability to fit into small spaces that made hide n’ seek so hard for her back when I was little. Even at a young age I was keen to hiding away in small areas. I physically couldn’t have that fear, nor did I want to have it. 

A sudden burning sensation shot through my leg and up to my shoulder, my hand shooting to the wall in a wrench of panic. It clung to the surface and kept me from tripping, my knees were just begging to give out at any second. I’d worn my legs out at school and kneeling on them so constantly was not good for my health, but I fully knew that. Then again, Chandler was a rough kid, but it wasn’t like I ever made an attempt to tell him that I was in pain.

‘Damnit Chandler, I’ll be fucked over if things keep going this way. Please-’ I cut my own thoughts off, preferring to focus on the painful wounds rather than what would inevitably lead me into a bile of panic attacks.

The bites on my neck and shoulder hurt, there had been blood there at one point, but he knew better than to do that with our friends around, right? I shuddered at the thought of them finding out, of my mother finding out. 

‘Sinner, sinner, sinner. Disappointment, disgrace, disgusting.’ The thoughts of my friends saying those things were enough to bring forth an uncomfortable acidic taste to my mouth and the newfound burn to my eyes as tears clotted on the edge of my lashes. I would lose it if I thought of my mother thinking all of that, she was all I had other than my friends. I loved my mother, and I was never afraid to admit that around my old friends. 

And, there went the waterworks once more, causing my steps to become more uneven and just a tad bit slower. Before I reentered the living room, I knew I’d have to get a jocular smile whipped up and those tears needed to be non-entities. 

Pressing my back against the wall, I attempted to breathe. One breath in and out reminded me of the olfactory combination that always phased through the warmth of Chandler’s house. The smell of vanilla reminded me of cooking, and of course the flame atop candles. I loved the smell of the creamy additive. It gave an evocation of homemade pastries, and of course, eating a spoonful of the raw cookie dough.

“Hey, someone should go check on, Louis. Poor guy should’ve just told us he was scared of small spaces.” Helen spoke up, not surprising me saying she had the benevolent personality of the group, a generous heart and much more caring than any of the others. 

"I'll go check," Chandler said, pushing himself up from the ground. I suspected Brooklyn had chosen to use the restroom before returning because she'd have gotten back if she was following me. I knew she usually organized her thoughts whenever something happened to someone. She'd be a good detective.

Because I was still in the process of reorienting myself to the world around me, it didn't quite register that Chandler was about to walk into the hall. That was, until he spoke out, that almost impassive smirk on his face. 

"You know eavesdropping is rude." The subjective glare of his tongue was suffocating, and I was lucky I had composed myself enough to respond. 

"Not eavesdropping, trying to calm down," I explained, tugging at the strings of the hoodie he'd let me borrow, letting my hands rub into the woolen threads. 

"You look sexy tonight." Chandler bluntly whispered, placing one of his hands next to where my head was against the wall. He leaned against his hand next to where I was. 

"Maybe I should wear hoodies more often," I mumbled, continuing to keep my head down and eyes focused on the strings of my hoodie. 

"Nah, they cover too much. You're too chaste, Louis." The grin on his face was used to taunt me, he wanted people to know he left his mark, damn the bastard. 

"Me? Chaste? You can't exactly call the things we do snuggly couple stuff." I felt myself gaining back my usual way of chatting with people and letting some of the anxiety melt away.

"Oh, but you wish we did those things." He said, swerving over so that he had his hands both resting on the wall on either side of my head.

He was right, I did wish we did that instead of constant sex. There were also a lot of things I'd change about our relationship, but I didn't want Chandler to have to change himself for me. 

"Louis don't look so sad." He said, somehow rendering me speechless by moving one of his hands to lift my chin. He pulled me in for the kiss, remaining in control with my chin in his hand. Our lips worked well together, and he tasted heavenly. It nearly made me forget about the world around me or the fact that someone could walk by at any moment. 

He pulled back, breath stolen from him just a little bit. I pressed my head against his and shakily held my hands around him, resting on his back. Once again, he dove in for the kiss, and I physically couldn't resist, not that I wanted to. 

This kiss was different from the first. The second he'd asserted dominance over my mouth, his hand ran up the sensitive area of my side, sending multiple chills down my body. So, his hand under the hoodie and my body pressed against the wall with my lips sealed by his left me in a state of submission. 

I leaned into it, but nearly bit him on accident when he ran his hand over my inner thigh, over the sweatpants, but still arousing to the touch. He pulled back, seeming a bit ignorant to everything around him. 

"I wanna fuck you right here, right now." Yeah, of course, I enjoyed the make-out session, but our friends were literally feet away and we'd get caught in seconds because of how much it takes out of me to keep silent during sex. 

"No, Chandler, that's a terrible idea, please be reasonable for once in your life," I said, ignoring his rule of talking back. Yes, he had one of those rules.

"I'm not in the mood for your bullshit. I'll fuck you senseless right here." He was obstinate as a bull, and I was once more pushed over into submitting. 

"I-I, we'll get caught." I attempted to say as Chandler pressed his lips against my lower jaw and the top of my neck. He sucked and nipped at the sensitive skin, luckily not biting. I squirmed, pushing one of my hands over my mouth in case. His hand wandered down to my crotch, and I knew how uncomfortable I was, but for him I'd do anything. 

"Louis, you got me horny in a closet and weren't fast enough. I have the right to be pissed with you." He hissed, using his other hand to harshly grip the bone of my chin, sternly holding me in place. His touch was so organized, and I just couldn't help but stare into his cold, sharp blue eyes. 

Suddenly, footsteps could be heard nearby, and Chandler backed off completely, grabbing me by the wrist and yanking me into the living room. Oh, he was mad, but with all the company around he couldn't do much. He quickly pulled his arm around me and began to walk back into the room, but the way he had his arm around me shot me with a limp wave of adrenaline, not the good kind. His arm was placed around my shoulder and wrapped across my neck, one squeeze and I wouldn’t be able to breathe. 

"Hey Louis, bud, you doing better?" Alexander asked as the girls all perked up at my sudden return. I was shaken up, and what Chandler had done in the hallway was almost triggering another wave of panic. On top of the risk of being caught, it was the fact that I couldn't say no to him. Also, I was deathly scared of whenever Chandler got mad, and he was beyond enraged. We sat down and he took his arm off me. 

Brooklyn followed into the room shortly after. She'd been the one we heard moving, and the girl who already knew and could worsen my situation in moments.

"Yup, my dumb ass just got a bit scared. Can't help it." I explained, leaning onto Chandler's shoulder in a very casual manner. He shoved me away, his first action which truly put forth just what I had somehow gotten into. 

Brooklyn and Helen were both observant and I noticed Brooklyn cringe as her eyes passed over the two new marks under my chin and on the upper area of my neck. Brook had answers, but as Helen tended to do, she began the hunt to squeeze out drama. 

"Where did the love mark come from?" She questioned, keying everyone onto the idea. The smug look on Chandler's face caused me to clench my fists in bitter betrayal. His expression clearly read.

'I lied for you before. Get out of this yourself.' Twisting the strings of the hoodie around my index finger once more, I opened my mouth. 

"Again, I'm not exactly single. Don't be so surprised." The majority of the group nodded, Iris oblivious as usual, thank god. If Iris ever gets involved then it's a losing battle unless Chandler speaks up. 

"Isn't that fresh though?" Chandler questioned, causing a spike of rage to snap through me, fading in an instant. He wanted me to suffer. 

"Huh, you're right," Elizabeth spoke, squinting her eyes as she looked in at the dreadfully obvious mark. I'd probably just slap some makeup over it and pray my mom wouldn't notice, but right then I was in a corner that I couldn't seem to get out of. 

"You got me. It's new, what about it? Just proves I have a girlfriend." That last word made me just barely hesitate. Sure, I liked girls, but I sure as hell wasn't dating one, and that made me bisexual, but these guys were homophobic for what I knew. 

"I wouldn't be shocked if it was a dude." Felix pointed out, typing something on his phone. He didn't seem disgusted, but that was Felix, one moment he could be acting like he was fine with something, and then the next he's got you in a chokehold. 

I wanted to slap myself for the guilty blush of embarrassment rose up to my cheeks, flushing them a pink color. 

"Why do you all give Shawn and Nick so much shit for their sexualities?" Brooklyn pondered aloud, messing with the band that held her hair together. Of course, Iris was brought into the argument.

"Some of us think its morally wrong. Some of us see it as one of their weak points. The point is that we're putting them in their place. They're weird." It was so blunt, and the truth hurt. 

Shawn had been such a good person when we were close. He was the only one who knew about my sexuality because I'd been unfortunate enough to be obvious about my crush on him. Nick and Mark had to have known along with Shawn's boyfriend. They never brought it up, unlike Shawn who looked me in the eye and asked me if I was into guys. 

Even when I drifted away from that group of friends, they never used my sexuality against me. I knew I hurt them by just up and leaving, but they never really got mad. I didn't deserve that.

"Louis!" Chandler snapped, waving his hand in front of me. Everyone was staring at me. Why was everyone staring?

"Wh- sorry I zoned out." Chandler rolled his eyes at my response. 

"No shit you did." He had that usual tone, aggressive, and sarcastic. He was a bit of a jerk, but somewhere in him, I hoped that his anger wasn’t sincere. 

“So, answer the question.” Iris impatiently said, taking a photo of herself. She dedicated an entire folder to pictures leading up to her big party which was coming up soon, and 99% of the pictures were of her. What I was worried about was her question, which I hadn’t heard. Asking again would be the smart thing to do, but I wasn’t exactly in the strongest state of mind.

“Uh- yes?” I was quickly greeted with a violent slap to the face by Chandler. When I say violent I mean it felt like he’d slapped me as hard as he could. It brought tears involuntarily to my cheeks. 

“I-I’m sorry! Please don’t hurt me.” Gone was any trace of my confidence. The Louis my friends all knew was showing another side, and I couldn’t even look them in the eyes because I had my arm in front of my face to protect me from any other hits.

“I didn’t even hear the question,” I admitted, knowing that if I didn’t speak up then he’d hold whatever I said against me. Not that I hadn’t already dug a grave for myself to lay in. Everyone was dead silent with the exception of Iris still texting away on her phone.

He grabbed my wrist tight enough to curtail blood flow, slamming my arm away so that there was no defense to my face. My fleshy shield was gone, and all I could do was hope he’d back off, the mental pain was equally as bad as the malevolent grin on his face. He craved obedience, which I usually gave him, but I must have said something that made him lose control of some sort of path he had laid out. 

“Chandler, man, what the hell?” Alexander said, being the first of the group to speak up. He was seeing two sides of two people. Chandler had snapped away from his phlegmatic demeanor whilst I had strayed far from the thick-headed and confident position I usually took. 

"Shut up, Alexander." He hissed, clawing into my wrist. I whimpered in pain squeezing my eyes closed. My teeth gritted together as his nails scraped my skin. 

"You're hurting him!" Brooklyn yelled, though from what I could tell, she didn't stand up or get near Chandler, smart move.

"Should I go pop some popcorn? Damn this is interesting." Elizabeth asked, presumably kicking back. I just barely opened one of my eyes to look around me. Felix had cupped a hand over Elizabeth's mouth before she could piss off Chandler. 

Chandler was on all fours over me, figuring out his next attack, my wrist becoming less of his focus and more of a subconscious stress toy. 

"Didn't you hear him Chandler? He said he didn't hear the question!" Helen yelled, only causing Chandler to raise a fist and punch my already bruised shoulder, then moving his hand to my neck. I screamed out,

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I didn't hear!" He gripped my neck for half a second, causing me to gag forward, nearly throwing up in shock. I quickly was able to breathe because he backed off for some reason.

"Lying bastard." He hissed as I shakily managed to push my body up from the ground. Everyone stared at me with a surprising amount of pity, except for Elizabeth and Iris who both seemed unphased. 

I tried to calm myself, putting my arms around my own body, yearning for comfort of any kind. 

'What did I do? Oh god is he going to leave me? He gets mad, but he never claws into me like that.' I thought, looking down at my wrist which had newly drained crimson across its scarred surface. 

The world around me became of no focus as I closed my eyes to hold back any tears. 

'They're going to think I'm a fucking loser. God, Louis why couldn't you just ask a question. Now you're in deep shit. Best case scenario he breaks up with you.' I cringed at the other possibilities, but part of me hoped that he would stay with me. I needed him. 

What I hadn't expected, was for someone to hug me. My whole body suddenly came to the breach of an ultimatum. If I looked at who it was I'd regret it. Curiosity overcame me in the end, and I opened my eyes, only to see who I'd hoped not to see. 

'Goddamnit Chandler.'

I leaned into his shoulder so drained of any remaining energy. I just wanted to go home and sleep, but damn did I need a hug. It felt so good to have his arms around me, able to just lean into his chest. He leaned into my shoulder, chin resting atop it. Carefully, he'd avoided the new bruise that was forming under the hoodie. 

His breath against my neck was almost a carnal action. It shot chills down my spine, and I inhaled sharper than usual. He quickly whispered something in my ear.

"It's okay Louis. You're fine. I love you." My face lay mostly wrought with exhaustion, every part of me trapped in a state of lassitude. I doubt it was even able to be seen, but I tried my best to smile.

"I am so confused." Elizabeth brusquely added, the moment between me and Chandler ending abruptly. He let go of me, turning to sit as normal. 

Dead silence overtook the room, anxiety repressing itself in me as I tried to give myself a pep back up. Mentally, I was thinking of a lot of good times, but reality seemed much too grim. 

'Just keep smiling Louis.' Was a quote I tried to abide by. I decided I'd shatter the silence and recover this awkward day. 

"What was the question anyways?" That wasn't a good question. Actually, it was the dumbest thing I could've said.

"I asked if you and Chandler were actually hitting third base in the closet." Chandler had demanded that I kept our relationship a secret. He had warned me about what would happen if I didn't keep my mouth shut. The punishments were severe. 

"Nah, he's straight and so am I." I brushed off, not wanting to completely break down again after getting the shit bit out of me. 

"So the mark on your neck is a coincidence, and Chandler got completely defensive and violent when you accidentally confessed because he was just mad. He then hugs you and whispers some shit and everything's okay." Helen questioned, passionate as Brooklyn would've been if she didn't already know Chandler was sleeping with me. 

"I surrender, none of you seem particularly upset, so congratulations. You've found out that Louis and I are fucking on the regular." Chandler gave in, most likely having fixed whatever roadblock had been shoved into his way. He pushed his blonde hair out from his face, revealing his charming icy eyes. 

"Wait so you're gay?" Alexander asked, looking at both of us. I crossed my arms, blushing a little bit. How had we gone from breakdown to flustered in such a short amount of time. Wait, I was a freshmen in highschool, my hormones were fucking me more than Chandler. 

'Great job, Louis. You got yourself out of the closet by being an idiot.'


	10. Outed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis and Chandler both get caught in a horrible situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Graphic sexual scenes in this chapter/ physcial abuse.

**Graphic Sexual Themes**  
"We're both bisexual," I answered, hoping my boyfriend wouldn't be too mad at me for speaking for him. He put his arm over my shoulder and hung it around my neck, just like he had multiple times before. It was so dangerously close to choking me, but that was just his way to keep me in check while also holding me close to him. 

"You two have a lot to work out," Helen mumbled, looking over at Brooklyn for approval, which Brooklyn easily gave, agreeing sincerely with her opinion.

"Yeah, I think I'll be taking my leave. If he hurts you, Louis, tell us." Brooklyn had some guts to say that in front of Chandler, practically to his face. 

"Yeah, I gotta spill this on social media, bye," Iris said, tugging Helen and Elizabeth after her.

One by one, everyone left. I was terrified of my mother finding out not only that I liked boys but also that I was sleeping with one constantly. 

So, it was just me and Chandler, sitting in the living room in complete silence. My eyes darted around the room as I thought of excuses to leave, but my mouth didn't comply. 

"I'm leaving." Was all that I managed to say, my voice stern enough to remain self-sustaining, a fact as truthful as could be. 

"No, you're not. You're sleeping over tonight." I didn't try and resist, knowing what was best. My lips pursed as I stared down at my phone screen, a picture of me, Shawn, Mark, Nick and Shawn's boyfriend before February. Back when I wasn't dating Chandler. Back when Shawn wasn't constantly going through therapy. 

The time was around 7 pm. There was no getting out of this. My mother didn't get out of work for hours, and he knew that. Suddenly the door clicked closed, front door, actually. Someone had been listening in. Chandler paid no mind to it. 

"Get on the couch." He instructed, pointing towards the soft comfortable sofa. I quickly obeyed, wanting to make him happy after having ruined his day. 

He pushed his hands down on my shoulder. The cushions consumed my back as he forced my weight onto the pillows. 

**Lemon ahead**

"What the fuck was that Louis?" He asked, causing my shoulder to attempt to raise, only to be held down. 

"I didn't mean for any of that to happen," I explained as he pushed in between my legs, still fully clothed. He bent down and connected his lips with mine, mixing us into an oscillation of fervent input. 

"You're so lucky I'm horny right now." He said, words cold, standing desolate without any form of loquacious accompaniment. He moved down to attack my neck, his tongue warming the cold skin. 

"Chandler- your dad will see this." I reminded him as he tried to find a sensitive spot. He didn't answer, just pressing his lips onto a certain part of my neck and looking up at me with that devilish stare. 

I sucked in a breath through my teeth, trying to keep my dignity. He was merciless, continuing to taunt that one spot, moving one of his hands down to my hip while the other slid under my shirt. 

He bit just a little, forcing my hand to cup over my mouth. His hand raised off my hip just to shove my palm away from my mouth. I whimpered and the oddly passionate sensation that he had so lustfully created. 

He pulled back, and at the lack of any sexually driven contact, I began squirming, trying to grind against him. I was practically desperate for his touch. 

"It's either he figures out from us or from social media. Also, I'm so glad you're giving me what I want, Lou. You're very desperate." I wanted to bury my face into the nearest pillow, just completely eradicate my existence. If my throbbing erection wasn't embarrassing enough, then his taunting surely was. 

I simply tilted my head to the side, knowing I had gone red with blush. 

"You know," he began, smirk curved into his face. His hands were pushing up my shirt while he pressed his lower body into mine.

"I could hurt you for what happened today." He said as I quickly ducked my head so that he could take the warm hoodie off of me. He threw it to the side, and took off his own shirt, slowly unbuttoning it as he increased the pressure he was putting onto my crotch, tempting me to try and grind against him for some heavenly feeling. 

Chandler was pretty muscular, abs and all. He had to be, after all, he was one of the school's best athletes which was probably why he could get away with the crap he did. 

"But, I think there's a better punishment. Don't you?" I nodded hastily, knowing that I'd be completely destroyed if he beat me. If he did do it, it was justified in my mind. I deserved it, but damn did it hurt to have someone you love purposefully smack the shit out of you. 

Of course, he'd hurt me on accidents before and I'd done the same to him. Whether it was smacking into the headboard of his bed or accidentally choking the other during a blowjob, we'd done it before. 

"Y-yeah." I agreed as he leaned back over me, one hand taunting my torso, right above the rim of my sweatpants. During this moment, I had made the mistake of letting my emotions roam free.

"Louis, you look- Hey, stop crying." His voice was oddly sympathetic for once, and I knew by looking at his face that his abusive side had snapped back, giving way for the Chandler I was in love with. 

Sure enough, I had to sniff my nose and rub my cheeks in an attempt to stop tears.

"Come on, just look at me. Did I do something?" I loved it when he showed empathy, despite knowing he'd switch back into that broken mess of a deranged abuser or perhaps the impassive and only slightly loving piece of a human. 

I choked back tears, hating that I had to go and ruin the moment for us. The truth was then spoken with the shaky ring of my broken voice.

"I hate it when you hit me. I hate it. Chandler it literally kills me! Don't tell me you won't do it again because we both know that's a lie." He placed an oddly chaste kiss to my cheek, pure in heart. 

"I really didn't mean what I did earlier." He paused, lightly running his hand over the bruises on my chest. 

"I'll make it up to you, but for right now, I need this, Lou." He said, making it very clear what he meant. Truth be told, I wanted him to screw me senseless, especially if it meant that he'd snuggle up with me afterwards. 

He was twisted, but I loved him, not the twisted side but his compassionate part of him. 

"I'm all yours." I said, then kissing him on the lips, not sloppily, but well angled and nearly perfect in movement. He sighed, shaking his head then placing his forehead against mine, our noses touching. 

He yanked down my pants all of a sudden, grabbing onto my length, which was dripping with pre-cum. 

"F-fuck me! Damn it!" I screamed out of shock. He lifted his head off mine and smirked as I grew completely flustered, slapping a hand over my mouth. He kissed me, taking my hand into his. 

We constantly pulled back for breath but dove back into the saliva mixed, and lustful make-out. He didn't move his hand, not yet, so I was utterly disappointed when he pulled back out of the kiss and his hand released.

"Lay back." He said as he let room for me to kick off my pants completely. I sprawled out so that my whole body laid exposed on the couch. He hopped on too, his elbows keeping his upper body raised over my legs while his head was right next to my dick. 

He licked my shaft, rubbing one of his hands over my inner thigh. I looked down at him, leaning against the armrest of the couch so that I could get a good look at him. He put his mouth on my tip, and began to do his best to move. 

I was a mess and begging for more while screaming his name in complete ecstasy. He knew what he was doing as he taunted the most sensitive areas of my thighs while deepthroating my dick. 

I whimpered but didn't get too loud, keeping the sounds I made relatively quiet. Over the next few minutes, I had begun moving my hips just a little, choking him from time to time. He didn't have a problem with choking and would pick up the pace. It didn't take too long for me to reach my orgasm.

"Oh god, Chandler! I-" He popped off of my dick, wrapping his hand around the tip. Right, punishment first. 

"Don't cum until I say you can." He said, suddenly leaving the room as I was forced to hold back my orgasm, one more touch and I would break, I was sure of it. 

He walked back in completely undressed and a bottle of lube in his hand. His slick blonde hair and amazing body turned me on just as much as the sight of his dick, so those combined just made me start panting in distress. 

"I didn't touch myself, please just-." I tried to beg him into taking me by being obedient, but he just shook his head and walked over.

"I'm so glad you didn't cum while I was away, but I don't wanna hurt you." I felt myself begin to get needy. I knew he'd have to prepare me if I didn't want to be in pain, but I desperately wanted him to let me reach my orgasm.

"I'll be quick, but keep in mind you aren't allowed to cum until I say, alright?" I nodded, watching as he licked his fingers. 

He inserted one, then another which caused me to suck in a sharp breath. 

"You're so sensitive." He mumbled, pushing in a third finger and waiting for a moment. I was dripping with pre-cum and I desperately wanted him inside me. 

"Please Chandler," I begged, spreading my legs to emphasize how much I needed him. My hand was gripping into the couch cushion as he took out his fingers, positioning his dick. 

"Remember, don't cum." He said, dripping with lube. I lurched my head back and screamed in pleasure as he thrusted in. It was painful, but I quickly wrapped my arms around him, and signaled to him that he could continue. 

I kept my hand on my dick to keep myself from cumming. Suddenly he hit a certain point which made me involuntarily take in a sharp moan and yank him down on me.

"Oh fuck! God, I wanna cum! Chandler!" I moaned out, bucking my hips further onto his dick. 

"Just a bit longer." He murmured, focusing much more on thrusting into that spot to earn a moan from me. 

I was a screaming moaning mess, not caring if the neighbors heard me moaning out Chandler's name. Hell, I wanted them to hear. Tears were running down my cheeks though, as I tried my best to keep myself from cumming. 

"A-alright cum for me, Louis." He said. His climax on the rise as mine was. I let myself go, watching as the sweet white substance splattered all over me and my lover. He pulled out and came onto my chest, moaning out my name, then falling next to me. 

**Lemon end**

"Fuck, you're too good for me." He said, sitting up on the couch and pulling me against him. I kissed him on the neck, something I hadn't ever done before. He seemed to like it more than I had anticipated, moaning ever so slightly as I left a few hickies along his neck. 

"But you love me." I said once I was pleased with my work. He scuffed up my hair and kissed me on the cheek.

"Yeah I do." He whispered, hand on my thigh while his other arm wrapped around my shoulder, not nearing my neck. 

I pulled a blanket from the back of the couch and he helped wrap it around us, hiding our nudity for the most part. I leaned against his chest, hugging him as he kept his arms around me, chin resting on my head. 

"I hope I can make it up to you." He whispered, hugging me tighter. 

We stayed like that, the warmth of the blanket engulfing us into a loving embrace. The beating of his heart was almost calming, and I found myself getting more comfortable. 

Then, the door opened. The front door, followed by the sound of heels. I hadn't ever met Chandler's mom, but this sounded like his dad. 

When I looked up at Chandler, his whole body was tense and he looked like he was genuinely afraid, or about to get upset. He liked control, and he didn't have any way to know what was gonna happen. 

In mere seconds his dad turned into the room and saw us. He looked like Chandler, but his eyes were much paler, almost grey. The blonde hair was on point, but the disheveled state he was in wasn't. 

"Chandler Letchen Roberts." Oh, that was never good. Whenever a parent says their kid's full name shit is about to go down. Saying Chandler was in the mood I loved, he was vulnerable to whatever his father was going to say.

"Before you rip the blanket off us, can you leave so we can at least put on pants." My boyfriend said, groaning as he leaned onto my shoulder, just allowing me to feel how terribly tensed his muscles were. His father looked like he wanted to strangle us, but backed out of the room. Chandler kept off the couch and slid on his pants, snapping at me to do the same. 

"Hurry." He mumbled, grabbing the blanket again and sitting back down on the couch, still shirtless. I cuddled up against him, taking his hand in mine. Our fingers eloped in a strong bind as his father walked back in. 

"What the fuck is this? What the actual fuck?" Mr. Roberts screamed, yanking the blanket off of us. He yanked his son away from me, our hands falling apart. 

"Dad this is Louis. You know him. He's my uh- boyfriend." I shyly waved, seeing the pure rage coursing through the patriarch. 

"I come home after working to support your ass and find that you're having sex with another boy!?" He screamed, voice oddly slurred, his words uneasy. Chandler motioned for me to leave, and I tried to stand up to leave the area, but I had to know what would happen.

I rounded a corner, then pressed my bare back against the painted wall, ears listening in on the talk. 

"I'm a good athlete, good student, well-liked, and I have a boyfriend," Chandler stated, staring up at his drunken father. I bit my lip, flinching the second I heard a harsh slap be placed onto my boyfriend's cheek. 

"Good fucking athlete, student, whatever. You're a fucking faggot who does nothing but cause problems! You fuck up my life. Now you're taking it up the ass from, what's his name fuckin- Lucas." My shoulders were practically raised to the lobes of my ears. I wondered if Chandler would be mad about this later, yank me out of class, or worse yank me from one of my other friend's houses and take his anger out on me. 

"His name is Louis, and he's much more of a better person than you. At least he loves me!" I hoped that Chandler was just caught up in the moment and didn't mean that. I didn't want his father to hate him.

"You're fucking disgusting. No wonder your mom hung herself. I'm so upset that I think I just might copy the bitch." I nearly gasped out of shock. I wasn't supposed to hear that, and just the fact that I had was enough to bring my heart to skip a beat.

"What are you actually going to do? Drink until you forget how much of a disgrace I am just because I'm a homosexual?" The insults were being thrown left and right, but Chandler wouldn't be able to keep it up for long. Hearing words from your own father that were so toxic had to be burning into his skin. 

"I'll beat the gay out of you." His dad said, forcing me to resist the urge to look in. I didn't want Chandler to be beaten by his dad because of me. 

I heard Chandler suck in a pained breath, and then wince in agony. Unable to hold back, I flipped around the corner and looked at the scene. 

Chandler was on the floor, holding his palm against his arm as if he'd been hit. His hair was messed up, and he looked distraught at the very least. He didn't seem to know whether to be upset or mad, and was a mix between both. 

"Get your ass up and get that cock sucker out of my house." Just for a half a second I let my mind think up a response while my mouth was shut.

'Actually, your son was the one sucking.' I thought, holding back a smile as I thought of the erotic scene that had played our less than an hour ago. 

Chandler stumbled to his feet and ran up to me, taking me by my hand to the door. He pulled open the door, oak swinging to the side as the warmth beckoned the cold.

He pulled me close, thumb resting on my lower lip.

"See you tomorrow." He said, before confidently kissing me and pushing me out of the door and into the cold. 

It was freezing out there, and all I had on was hoodie and my phone buzzing with texts from my friends and others who'd found out about my sexuality. 

just wanted to stay curled up at home and never face the world.


	11. Burn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus begins to talk about his sexuality and one of Shawn's darkest secrets is exposed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Depictions of Self Harm

**Brooklyn's POV**

Everyone was in a bit of shock after hearing about Chandler and Louis. Things hadn't gotten much better with their crew throwing the word faggot at Shawn's group.

I had hung out with Chandler's group the whole day. Ironically, Chandler wasn't there. Louis was covered in hickies and didn't offer anything more than a nervous smile. He really didn't know, but he was nervous about it.

What I was curious about was how Shawn's group would react, and sure enough, I was standing at Markus' front door about to figure out. 

He'd invited me over, and I assumed Shawn, Nick, and Louis would be there, then again Louis was infamous for not turning up. 

With the swift knock of my hand against the hardwood door, I was greeted into the home by little Jason, who quickly ran back to playing the piano as he had been. Markus was so lucky to have siblings in my opinion. I was uncomfortably lonely at my home when my mother was off at work. 

I walked up the stairs, receiving a wave from Mrs. Fletcher on my way up. She was working on her computer with what I assumed was code. 

"Hey, I'm the theater kid! How are you the one who's good at this?" Nicholas complained from the game room, the door standing open to reveal the two boys standing in front of the TV with Wii remotes locked in their palms as they copied the dances of the characters on the screen. 

"Nick, I'm sexy and fucking fabulous. Video games love me." Markus replied, not noticing me as I entered the room. His hoodie was yanked up and tied so it was a crop top. Nicholas gasped. 

"Are you saying I'm not sexy enough for the Wii?" He asked, a sarcastic horror plastered across his face.

"You're sexy, Nicholas. I'm just a little cooler." He said, tossing the Wii remote to his other hand and moving his arm back in the finale of the song. 

Suddenly he slipped up, dropping his remote. It hit him, no doubt, that he'd just called his best friend sexy. 

He looked up at Nicholas, face completely red. He popped a piece of pastel gum and nervously tugged at his hoodie, then spotting me. 

He waved before correcting himself, snatching his controller, and jumping back into the game. Nicholas was mere points behind Markus.

"Markus there's a cockroach!" Nicholas suddenly screeched. I walked over to peer over the couch, not seeing anything. Anyhow, Markus instantly freaked out, leaping up onto the couch and screeching like a 5-year-old. 

"Where? Where is the bastard!?" He asked, wielding his Wii remote as if it were a weapon against the final boss of a game. 

Nicholas beat the level, winning, then slacking over. Hands on his knees, he began wheezing as he laughed at Markus' idiotic panic. 

"You asshat!" Mark screeched, yanking Nick onto the couch and tackling him, roughhousing in a more playful than angry manner. It was so different in comparison to how Chandler's group interacted. Markus was giggling as he finally pinned his victim, snorting on accident. 

Nicholas sprawled out in defeat underneath his best friend, breathlessly staring up at him. When their laughter faded, the sensual reality of their position and panting slapped them in the face with being flustered. 

"Ahah… Mark, you're so dumb." Nick joked lightly, not asking Mark to move as would any other person. 

"You're awful. I just screamed more like a girl than the actual girl in the room ever could!" The gamer complained, huffing as he chewed on his blue raspberry gum. His blue eyes peered down onto the darker hair's face, and suddenly Markus backed off, face a bright red.

"Where's Shawn?" I asked, covering for Markus who was very clearly feeling something toward his best friend that he was desperate to hide. Nicholas just cocked his head in confusion at Markus' nervousness. 

"He got a call from his mom and is in the bathroom," Mark explained, silently thanking me for saving his closeted gay ass. Nicholas nodded in agreement, picking up the remote and switching to the other console. 

Markus put his hand near Nicholas and quickly regained that cheerful little smile. He looked at Nick with a lot of admiration, the guy performed in front of crowds while Mark was confined to his room most of the time. Nick would flirt with Mark, but Mark always laughed it off for some reason. The poor guy was struggling. 

"Ah, Mark sometimes I wonder how straight you are." Nicholas joked, motioning back to the TV and to Mark's hoodie. 

"Trust me, I do that every day," Mark said before slapping a hand over his mouth, absolutely shocked at the words he'd so idiotically let slip.

"You're being serious?" Nicholas asked, not exactly surprised, but definitely shocked that Markus had just blurted that out. He was leaning close to the other as I watched from behind. This was their moment, and I was not going to intrude. 

Markus began fiddling with his hoodie, yanking on the strings and keeping his head down. 

"Mark, why the hell would I be mad if you were? I'm gay." Nicholas asked, blatantly confused. 

"Yeah-I am being serious but I uh… you know what Shawn's been gone for a while I'll go check on him!" Mark said, popping another round of bubblegum and standing up, unwrapping another stick of gum, this time it was a cherry pastel pink stick. 

"Wait, Mark sit down," Nick said, yanking Markus down onto the couch. 

"I promise your secret is safe with me, you're my best friend. You've kept my secret for years and I love you. I wouldn't ever want to mess up your life just because you like guys." He said, reassuringly putting an arm around Mark. Being friend-zoned once more looked like a stab to the guts for Markus, but he just continued to accept Nicholas' embrace. 

"I know, I know. You're so corny, Nick." Markus said, snickering as Nick lightly punched him in the stomach.

"And you're overdramatic, again Mark, you should do theater," Nick said as Markus backed out of the side hug, he waved his hand, brushing off that idea.

"You're a way better actor." The blue-haired teen said, leaning into the couch.

"Oh," I said, finally speaking up as I was reminded of an upcoming event. 

"Are you all going to Iris' party?" Nicholas and Mark both got serious, pulling away from each other and awkwardly looking around the room. Markus just nervously laughed while Nick then rested his chin onto his palms, leaning over on his knee. 

"You do realize Chandler beats the living hell out of us and Iris is the girl who makes the rumors up of us screwing at school." He pulled down his sleeves, revealing his bruised arms, beaten to a pulp, the fresh bruises a deep purple color.

"He had Alex and Felix beat the hell out of me before play practice. I guarantee that Chandler texted them to." Nicholas explained, then pulling his sleeves back up. His expression laid exhausted, worn out of bluntness. He wasn't going. 

"They got Mark too, here let me show you what they did." He carefully grabbed Mark's hand and moved to roll up his sleeves. There was not a single warning from the gamer, he just yanked his arm away and stood up. 

"Yeah, point said. Louis stood there and let it happen! I'm going to check on Shawn." He spoke fast, a loquacious remark, yet it was said so fast that the information took a moment to process, and before I knew it Mark was out the door. Nick and I both looked at each other with a readable expression of,

'We should go check on him' We both stood up, and I gave Nicholas a look, not sure myself if it was pity or a hint to he'd said something wrong. 

His response was just to hang his head a little and mumble,

"I hope I didn't hurt his feelings or something." He felt extremely guilty, arms crossed over his chest. I could see him in a blind panic, with Markus having run off so suddenly. 

See, Nicholas' face would light up when Mark skipped over to the lunch table. Markus was so supportive and the kindest friend that Nick could ask for. The kid came to his play audition and most of his practices, cheering on Nicholas with a puerile grin. 

I was genuinely worried about what had just started to unfold, and little did I know that the worst had yet to come.

Nicholas and I walked to the bathroom, turning the corner and feeling our hearts sink. Nicholas looked as pale as a ghost while I felt tipsy, almost as if my knees were locked and the blazing sun was shooting down on me.

"Shawn- oh my god! Jesus Christ!" Markus screeched, slipping down to the floor in panic. He flipped around to the toilet, belching forward and throwing up in disgust, or perhaps it was due to the horrific nature of the situation. 

Shawn stood like a deer in headlights, unable to react or move. His hands laid near the faucet, burning red. I assumed he'd snapped it off the moment Markus had caught him. 

Those burns on Shawn's hands, the steaming water which lingered in the marble embrace of the sinks, and his tear-stained face painted the three of us a horrifying reality. 

Shawn was burning his own hands in a fit of self-hatred, and it was a regular activity. Nicholas held his hands to his mouth as Shawn began to quickly shove his gloves over his pained fingers. 

"I'm leaving." He said, that impassive tone fading a little to reveal a much harsher and rage driven manner of speech. Fear possibly lurked behind the rage, but no matter what the issue I quickly chased after Shawn, not wanting him to get away with what he was doing.

Before I left, a play of events occurred. 

"Everyone go the fuck home! Just go home, Okay!?" Markus screamed, gripping his stomach in pain. Nicholas ran over to his best friend, kneeling down, only to be pushed back in an instant. 

"I said to go home, Nicholas!" He demanded, glaring back at his friend with a boiling fume of ire. His dark blue hair was disheveled and his glasses barely sat on his nose. 

"I'm your best friend! Listen, we can talk about this. You're okay." He reassured Markus, attempting to place a hand onto the gamer's shoulder. The other yanked his shoulder away before Nick could even get his hand close enough. 

"Yeah, best friend! You don't even know me as well as you think, asshole! Get out of my house!" Nicholas was nearly brought to tears by that one remark. His body was shaking and almost as if he were on stage alone for the first time, he stood face to face with one of his worst fears, and that was losing Markus. 

"Mark, please, I've never seen you this worked up." The taller pleaded, his beckoning ignored with perhaps, some of the harshest words that Mark could have announced in his failure of colloquy.

"You don't understand. I come out of the closet on accident and then hear about this stressful ass party! Then I walk in the bathroom and my friend is burning himself because god knows why! Ever since February, I’ve felt like I've been failing Shawn. I'm failing you too!” Markus shouted, wiping his mouth and standing up, still clutching onto his stomach. He appeared more upset and emotionally hysterical than irked.

“Mark, you’re not failing everyone, and I do know you well! Don’t say I don’t cause I’ve known you for years!” Nick snapped back as I began to take a few steps backwards to turn towards where Shawn had slipped out. The woolen carpet scruffing against the soles of my shoe as I pivoted back, my hand still lingering on the wooden frame of the bathroom door for a slick second. 

“No you don’t Nick! You have no idea what my life is like! I’m fucking worthless in comparison to everyone around me! I’m never good enough! Did you ever think that I had insecurities? No, or at least you never bothered to ask me.” I was glad I wasn’t able to see Nicholas at that moment, because his voice sounded as if he was crying, choked with sobs.

“Why are you getting mad at me? I didn’t do anything!” Nick yelled, surely loud enough for Mark’s family to hear from downstairs.

“Exactly, you didn’t even try! God, did you think I just laughed because I was giggly. I’m such a fucking mistake that I can’t even answer like a normal human being! I just didn’t want you to worry, but the fact that you never have worried about me just made it worse!” The shorter teen retorted, his voice now charred up with uneasy breaths, and an agitated splinter came with the words he spit out.

“Well, I’m worried now! Stop making me feel like shit for not knowing something that you kept hidden as well as you could!” It probably wasn’t the best idea to defend himself and then follow it up with something that took a jab at Markus.

Mark fell to his knees, shaking and sobbing to an uncontrollable degree. He had become completely despondent in his nature, no longer indignant just completely yanked into a fit of guilt, sorrow asphyxiated. 

He laughed a little, perhaps it had become a habit. Nicholas quickly dropped down to his friend’s level and hugged onto him, pressing his body against Mark’s in a warm embrace. Markus tucked his head on top of Nick’s shoulder, burrowing against him in tears. He cuddled into his best friend, continuing to bawl as he desperately kept Nicholas close to him.

I am not quite sure what came of the situation because I instantly charged after Shawn, who screamed at me to leave him alone as he bolted out of the house, me chasing him in search of any answers that could explain things to me.


	12. Esoteric Emotions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus and Nicholas have a talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Self Harm Mentions

**Depictions Of Self Harm**  
 **Nicholas' POV**  
I took Markus to his bedroom and sat him down next to me on the bed, his hysteria had gotten to a point that he was hyperventilating.

"Let's just talk." I whispered, keeping my hand on his back as he pressed his hand to his face. 

"I feel like it's my fault Shawn was doing that. God, when all that shit happened with Matthew I couldn't keep myself together. Next thing you know Shawn's leg is snapped and he's right there. He tried to kill himself, Nick. Am I that shitty of a friend, that I can't even make my friends feel like they have a life worth living?" He asked, beginning to claw his hands into his gloved arms. His digging fingernails made me uneasy as if I recognized this as a coping method. 

After all, I'd heard words yelled at Mark before. 

'Damn cutter! Go slit your wrists again, fag!' I never wanted Markus to think I was actually afraid about that. Him cutting himself would completely shatter my heart. This kid could make me have a reason to live the second he smiled. If he was suffering in silence, I would feel guilty, he's my best friend. 

"What happened to Mat isn't your fault. Shawn wouldn't kill himself because of you. None of those incidents were your fault, you aren't a failure." I calmly explained, hoping that I could grasp some suave tone for once and be convincing. Looking at Mark, it would take much more than just a suave line to keep him from breaking completely. 

"I am a failure." He laughed, pitifully. His dark blue eyes were clotted with tears, choking the surface of his cheeks. 

"Xavier got a sports scholarship, how athletic! Paris is on the student council and lead a huge project which got her recognized by the mayor. Jason got all A's, he's so bright! Then there's me. Markus is upstairs fucking around on video games. Markus is the weird one out of the siblings. Markus is a kid who's probably a faggot." He choked out those last sentences. His self-loathing was so vial that it nearly made me break into tears again. 

"Markus, you're so smart. You love literature and you're great at doodling. You're hilarious, and a fun guy to be around! Please don't say that stuff. You might be gay, but that's not wrong, even if your dad and brother think so." He didn't look at me. He couldn't, I could tell by his expression, he physically couldn't look me in the eyes. 

"I'm never good enough. You deserve a better friend than me. You'd have a chance to fit in like Louis." His glasses were fogged up, and he'd managed to get them wet with tears. I held his hand, not meaning to act like more of a romantic partner than a friend, though I did find Mark attractive, it wasn't the time. 

"I would take you over Louis and his friends any day. Your smile makes me happier than they ever could." Mark actually dried up a little, just the sweetest little grin managing to curve onto his flustered cheeks. He rubbed his face, pushing away tears with brute force.

"I just kept faking the smiles, but this one's real. You make me smile for real. Gosh, I'm so corny." His expression was adorable, there was no denying it. Those chubby little cheeks and bright eyes were just so captivating to me. 

Right then, my hand moved to his leg, not sexually, but in a very chaste form of embracing him. The mood in the room dullened as I began to illustrate an idea in my head, staring at his arms for possibly a noticeable amount of time. 

He perked up, his smile dripping away into a much more serious line. His lip being bit into as a measure of anxiety. He wasn't going to speak until I asked. 

"Markus, can I see your arms? If you don't want to then please just tell me if you, you know." I felt like a bucket of water had just been slammed down on top of my head, a weighing guilt just waiting to spill out across the purple plaid making of my tailleur.

He nodded, twisting his body to face away from mine as he slid off his gloves, followed along by the cuffs of his jacket. It revealed his lacerated skin, a horrifying massacre of his own body. 

He couldn't look me in the eye as I held his hand, staring at his arm in disbelief. Each lesion laid spread across his gossamer arm, some scars, while others had to have been beaten into the arm merely hours ago, were weeks old. 

"I'm so sorry, Nicholas. You shouldn't have to deal with this. You deserve so, so much better than my worthless, pitiful self. Just look at me." I restrained myself from pushing my lips to him in a loving lock, then telling him how much he meant to me. He'd been my reason for living for years.

"You are not worthless," I stated, my voice as hard as a rock, not allowing any room for doubt to slip in. Markus sighed, looking down at his brutalized arm. He then spoke, cracked voice in all its tearful shame. 

"Nobody would care if I died. You'd all get over it in a month." Slightly offended, I lightly held onto his wrist, my eyes locking into his ocean blue irises. 

"Markus, you're one of the only reasons I get up in the morning. If I lost you then I'd break down, damnit, I would miss you every day." My words seemed to keep him quiet for a moment before he spoke again. 

"Louis wouldn't care. Shawn is already in a bad place. My brother would be relieved and Chandler would be overjoyed." He mumbled, rubbing his thumb over some of the fresher cuts. 

"Am I not enough? I'd be completely hysterical if you killed yourself." I kept holding his hand with one arm while using my other to put it around his shoulders.

"No! Nick, I never said that. You just should find better friends. You shouldn't care so about me. My grades are terrible and all I do is chew bubblegum and play video games." He let tears run off his cheeks as he pressed his finger against his arm. 

"You're a great friend. I love playing video games with you, and you know how to make me laugh." He stared at me, trying desperately to understand my expression and the words that had come with it. Once more he was suddenly met with his own genuine smile, looking up at me just to show that fact off, which in turn made me happy.

He seemed to have something on the edge of his tongue. I kept silent, signaling to him that I was going to wait for him to talk before I even began to say another word. 

"Can I kiss you?" He asked out of the blue. My face instantly became bright red as I stared down at him in flustered surprise. 

'Oh holy shit!' My mind screamed as I looked at his nervously patient smile. His face was redder than mine, and he couldn't sit still, then again he never really could. I wouldn't be surprised if the dude had Adhd or something. Nevertheless, it was cute.

"I’d like that.” I responded, moving closer to him. My hand still kept on his thigh, nothing sexual, again I knew that if we did start a relationship we'd take it slow. Of course, if we did get drunk or something, I was only slightly nervous for the intoxicated outcome. 

"Wait- uh first. Do you actually mean it? You wanna be my friend, and you aren't just saying it so I won't hurt myself, right?" Markus said, his face still red as we faced each other, his hand now on my upper thigh. 

"Markus, I care about you. Also, is best friend the title you wanna stick with." I responded, moving one of my hands up to Mark's chin. The best romantic advice I had ever been given was from movies, saying my dad was a piece of shit, it wasn't a surprise that he had failed to give me any romance advice. 

He was awkwardly staring at me, mostly just giving a sheepish smile and his face remaining as red as a rose. His face was so kissable, and it was so difficult for me to keep chaste after years of wanting to ask him out. 

"I-" Suddenly, his door was slammed open, violently smashing into the wall. Markus yelped, gripping his jacket, swinging it over his cut arm. 

"Markus! You fucking faggot." Xavier hissed as he stormed into the room. He walked over and yanked his brother off the bed by the collar of his shirt, the helpless choking sound he emitted only tempting me to jump up to save him. 

"In your room alone with him, Mark? Man, his dad isn't hard enough on him. He should whip the gay out of him like any decent parent." Xavier's voice was so low, disturbed and pissed off to the very core. He sounded bloodthirsty, craving his little brother's pain. 

"We weren't doing anything." I said, standing up and parting the two siblings, seeing as Markus was almost choking. 

"There was a fight. We were talking things out. Also, don't you dare act like your parents are fucking saints. They raised you. At least my dad didn't raise literal human garbage. Then again, your parents did make Mark and he's a sweetheart, but I think your ability to be such an asshole just overrides what an amazing guy Markus is." Mark grinned a little, thanking me silently. I wanted to finally be able to press my lips into his, but someone just had to get in my way, yet another reason for me to despise Xavier. 

"You little shit." His attention swapped from Markus to me, and to my surprise, he didn't hesitate to kick me in the shin. I'd taken way worse, laughing off the pain. 

"You were the one who rudely walked in while we were having a private conversation," I argued, getting Xavier to clip his lips together, snarling at me. He pressed his palm against my chest, below my neck then shoved me towards the door, getting in my face. 

"Get out of the house or else I'm telling my parents that you stole Mark's virginity." That was a threat and it was well executed. Markus' expression pleaded for me to leave. He didn't want the embarrassment or the shame. 

Fixing my shirt, I turned to the door, rubbing my hand against the flannel collar of my sleeve. I looked back at Mark, to his lapis eyes and sugarcoated pitiful smile. He mouthed to me. 

'I'll talk to you later.'

So, I left, fleeing as my life depended on it, although Mark's sanity was more at risk. I didn't want him to hurt himself again, and even the thought of it made me sick to my stomach.


	13. Information Coming Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brooklyn gets yelled at by Shawn and goes to talk to Louis about what she'd been told.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Depictions of Abuse

I found myself assiduous in my goals, seeing as Shawn was a relatively unathletic kid. He couldn't run far, not with crutches which he neglected just a little to try and get away. Nevertheless, I caught up to him in a short amount of time. 

He was out of breath and sitting down on the freezing concrete of the sidewalk. He had his injured leg laid out, and was breathing uncomfortably. 

"Shawn- oh my god- what the hell?" I said, kneeling down to him. He just leaned back against the street light's metallic pole, his hands looking pained by the drastic temperature change. 

"Leave me alone. Go hang out with Louis, sure he'd love to tell you about his homophobic boyfriend." The oxymoron poked into my gut. Shawn had been harassed and beaten for his sexuality, then suddenly Louis and Chandler are relationship goals.

“What- no I’m not going to do that. Listen, you just need to explain just what is going on,” I calmly instructed, taking a knee so that I was closer to his level. He looked as if he was just going to be dissident against any word that I spewed out to him.

“It’s Louis and Chandler. I have the right to be pissed off about that.” Shawn hissed, his grimace perhaps one of the cruelest snarls he could manage. He was in a state of complete hatred against at least one of them.

“You do but Louis isn’t doing anything wrong.” I reminded him, which maybe was an awful idea. He was instantly overcome by the snappy desire to put forth his point. 

“He’s using you to replace Matthew, to make it seem like he didn’t ruin a kid’s life! He’s using you as a replacement. That asshole made my life a living hell!” He slammed his fist onto the concrete, scraping the already irritated skin open. 

“And everyone loves him! They break me down, but they love the kid who is using a girl to fix what he fucked up, and failing miserably. He’s also dating the person who takes a sadistic kink in hurting me.” Shawn was actually drawing blood from the palm of his sanguine hand. I gripped his wrist and fought to keep him from digging it further into the concrete below, blood staining my fingers.

“Woah, whoa who’s Matthew? What did Louis do?” I said, trying to slow Shawn down, but his expression laid pricked with ire. 

“That’s none of your damn business!” He snapped, wrenching his arm so that the lesioned skin was pulled free from the protective grip I had kept on it. His action was brash enough to send a shock through me, and my whole body ttook a step backwards.

“Why were you burning yourself?” I asked, changing the topic while pushing my leg atop Shawn's crutches so that he couldn’t pick them up and run. He laughed, not in a sarcastic or fun way, but in the sense that he was less than mentally stable.

“Why does anyone do anything? It makes me feel better about this hell hole I live in.” He explained, voice laying low with anger, though overcome with some sense of serenity. Though, not perfect. He’d calmed down to a point of the ability to engage in a casual discussion.

“Your parents aren’t good for you, alright. That’s no reason to do that to yourself.” I stated, thinking that self-harm was a thing that nobody should have to endure, especially a kid who was just repressed by homophobia.

“I’ve done shit that makes me deserve it. Karma’s come after me. I’m beaten at school, hated at home, and everywhere else I go I’m lost. Just to think, that in January I was happy at home, and though still bullied, I was moderately alright with the conditions there.” 

‘What happened in February that broke everyone?’ I wondered, knowing that almost everyone in that group, along with Louis, was a completely different person just a few months ago. 

“Who’s Matthew?” I repeated, looking at him expectantly. He quickly readopted that impassive expression, bland of any color or emotion. 

“Make friends, find out. I don’t want to talk about it.” He mumbled, having changed from that aggressive reaction that he’d put forth when I first questioned the name. I’d heard Iris say the name once, a very long time ago. Everyone had quickly shut her off before she could comment more.

“Who do I ask?” I questioned, knowing that Mark and Nicholas were in the middle of a very important talk and that they were completely out of the question.

“I hate Chandler and Louis. Stay away from them. They have answers, but I can’t tell you enough to stay away from them. Nick and Mark are your best bet, but then again I can’t control what you do.” He mumbled, sneakily managing to slide his crutches out from under me, and rising up to his feet. 

“But, go ahead. Ask Louis. Tell him you saw me burning myself. Give Iris some more fucked up gossip to tell. Give Chandler more blackmail against me. I couldn’t care less.” He was persistent in saying just how much he didn’t care, just how much he resented the group. Not a scruple wrapped its fingers around his neck as he put forth those claims. They were the truth, Louis would spread the information without a doubt, but something told me that wasn’t what would happen. 

“I’m going home. I’ll see you later, I’m sure.” He finished before I could even poke a word through him, to get him to stand back for a moment more. Unstable and unpredictable, Shawn was a mystery and perhaps Matthew was the best way to figure out just what happened to his husk of a teenager.

‘Alright, Louis’ I thought.

‘Prove you’re a good person. Prove Shawn wrong.’ And with that, I began to head off to Louis’ home. My hands rested in the pockets of my coat and my lips lay chapped together. The cold, dry breeze flew past me within a matter of seconds, sending a chill down my spine as I stepped against the dead grass, crushing it carelessly.

‘Please prove him wrong’

The doorbell was met with my hand, creating a melodic tune from the inside which surely annoyed the inhabitants of the household. Shuffling was muffled for the most part, hidden behind doors and my ears muffled by fluffy ear muffs. The handle fidgeted, twisting roughly to the side as Louis soon stepped forward, face dumbfounded at the sight of me.

“Thought you were at Mark’s.” He stated, the blatantly obvious marks on his neck no longer covered by makeup he’d slapped on for school.

“And I thought you’d be with your boyfriend, life is full of surprises. Isn’t it?” I sarcastically said as he let me into the house, eyebrow raised all the while. He was suspicious and rightfully so, I rarely visited his place, and hadn’t ever done so uninvited. 

“Something happened. Didn’t it?” He said, voice tired. The guy was working on less than a few hours of sleep, I could tell. The dark circles under his eyes and depressed tone of voice were both managing to allude to that fact. 

"A small argument, some odd things happened, but I came here for answers," I explained, following him into the living room and taking a seat. His couch was really comfortable, almost like the one in Shawn's basement where you were just engulfed by warmth. 

"Did something happen with Shawn? The guy is literally one of my best friends and I do care about him." He seemed worried as if there were some urgent reason to know about Shawn's mental state, perhaps he had something to tell Shawn.

"Well, he hates you, and what happened doesn't matter. He brought up a name and you have information on them." Louis rubbed the back of his neck, yawning.

"He has reason to hate me, but I hope he doesn't. What's the name?" He didn't want to linger on the topic of Shawn hating him and simply leaned back onto the couch. 

"Matthew" The reaction was one I didn't expect. See, the name hadn't been said around Louis when I was near him, but now I was witnessing his reaction. 

His face went pale, while his expression became drowned in complete guilt. He was utterly crushed by just the sound of a name, almost as if he were responsible for whatever came of the kid. 

"Matthew Hayes, the quiet weird kid. In 8th grade, he always wore plaid shirts and lived alone with his father. What about him?" Louis uncomfortably said, his introduction of Matthew standing vague. Unless he got emotional he wasn't going to say more than what he had to. 

"Who was he? Where is he? What happened with him and Shawn? Why does Shawn think you're trying to use me to replace him?" He bit his lip, staring at me more in shock than exhaustion, which was saying a lot because he was so sleep deprived. 

"He thinks I'm trying to replace Matthew? Shit." He looked as pale as a ghost, almost as if he were about to pass out from the shock. 

"Uh… yeah!" He snapped out of his monotone thoughts, shaking his head and staring at me. 

"Matthew was Shawn's boyfriend. They got in a fight and Shawn was so upset that he broke up with the guy. Neither of them wanted to break up. Matthew was harassed by Chandler and Iris, perhaps worse than they harass Shawn. Mat was bullied at school and beaten at home, the poor kid didn't have much going for him. He was really nice, but definitely struggled socially." Louis explained, leaving me deadpanned. 

Shawn's boyfriend that Shawn broke up with. Louis read my thoughts about that, about the breakup.

"Matthew left before Shawn could even apologize." He explained, nervously scratching the back of his neck. The guilt that Shawn felt must have been tremendous. He'd destroyed his relationship and didn't get the chance to fix it before Mat left town.

That was what I gathered, now much of my theory was correct was yet to be determined. 

"I wasn't the nicest to Mat. Chandler led me on, hand on my shoulder as he guided me through this process. He was so cold, still is." His body was visibly tense, the buttons of his shirt angled with a noticeable strain. 

"I'm so scared that one of Shawn's friends or Shawn himself is gonna follow in Mat's footsteps and I'll have to live with the guilt that I helped make their lives hell and never got to apologize." I had gathered that Matthew probably moved away and if not he left the school. My lip curved at the unanswered question.

"What happened to him?" I asked. Louis looked sick at the thought, leaning forward and placing his head in his hands. 

"I beat the hell out of him, probably broke something. His dad is human garbage and refused to take him to the hospital. See, the second I was done I ran over to Shawn's house to play video games, and Mat was knocked out. By the time Matthew told Shawn what I did, Shawn took my side and said that I was playing video games. Mat and I never got along, but this was the final straw and he was persistent. Shawn didn’t believe him cause I was his best friend at the time and He was convinced I would never actually hurt Matthew.” Louis paused, taking in a deep breath.

“Shawn broke up with Mat because of that argument. I regret what I did. I’ve never been able to get over it. Long story short, Mat’s gone and won’t ever talk to us again.” He said, looking up at the ceiling. 

“And what happened exactly? Where is he now?” My question’s response was dead silence, then a push.

“Ask Shawn.” For the benefit of Louis’ health, I probably would. He just seemed to become further exhausted with the continuous badgering of inexorable questions. Assiduous in my goals, I put that idea in my head of chatting with Shawn about his ex-boyfriend. Surely that in itself wouldn’t lead Shawn to such a deep pit of depression, though the unrest of guilt was quite heavy.

Louis was so tired, and after seeing Chandler force him to stay over the night before, despite Louis saying no, I wondered just how manipulated he was. His own free will was being stripped from him, and blackmail against him was slim to none. He was just hopeless, and without help he was completely isolated with someone who was clearly abusive.

“Louis, is Chandler good to you?” His head perked up, and he at me, though not in the eyes. 

“Mhm,” he responded, definite in voice but in tone he shook with the quake of doubt. He was hurt, and wouldn't admit it because Chandler is all he has left. 

“You should get some sleep. Sorry for coming over uninvited.” I quickly spoke, standing up and grabbing my ear muffs, lifting them back to my ears. 

“It's not a problem. I was just gonna end up home alone for the rest of the night if you didn’t come along. My mom works.” I’d learned that Louis lived alone with his mother just like I did. She was the accepting type, or at least that's what I thought.

Truth be told, Mrs. Beckett was friends with Mr. and Mrs. Ruell and saw how their devotion to proving their son a sinner for his sexuality was destroying the kid. Most likely, she saw Shawn and didn’t want that to happen to Louis, though she was still oblivious to the fact that Chandler has Louis wrapped around his finger.

“Alright, I’ll-” The doorbell rang suddenly, and Louis seemed rather shocked, peering out of the window. He thought it would be his mother, the poor guy.

“Oh uh, it's Chandler. You should go- out the other door.” He motioned into the kitchen where a door stood, it was leading into the side yard. The glass was fogged up with frost. I quickly nodded as Chandler became more impatient, persistently pressing his finger against the plastic doorbell. 

If I couldn’t get Chandler in trouble for abusing Louis then I probably could get him in trouble for doorbell abuse. I quickly whispered one thing to him before taking my leave.

"Louis, if he hurts you then just know you do have people who love you. Don't be afraid to tell me." He gave a tired smile as a thanks, but also as an 'I don't think I'll need it.' 

Chandler knocked on the door, and Louis dashed into the foyer. I, on the other hand, fled to the kitchen, taking a risk to listen in, just as I had the day before. 

I ran into the kitchen, turning on the tile and squatting behind the counter, listening in on the private conversation between the two lovers. 

"What the hell, Louis? I went through a living nightmare last night and you haven't texted me." Chandler snapped, not dissapointed but sharp with an acute rage, repressed and waiting as a predator does before it pounces upon its prey. 

"I thought your dad would have your phone," Louis responded, sounding tired and relatively relaxed considering the situation. 

"He didn't! It's your fault he found out, fucking piece of shit." I heard some movement, not a hit, but perhaps he grabbed Louis. I painted the picture in my mind of Chandler gripping Louis by the shirt, pissed off and ready to strike. 

I hugged my knees to my chest and continued to listen.

"You were the one who kept me at your place," Louis responded still calm but more alert. 

"I'll fucking beat you till you get it. It's your fucking fault, not mine!" That's where it hit. Louis went into his panicked side, and I began to nervously bite my nails, eyeing the doorknob. 

He was audibly uneasy, breath messy, and possibly hugging himself for comfort. 

"You promised you wouldn't. Please don't do it, I can't- I'm already in a lot of pain." As I had thought, Chandler was abusing the kid, and he kept quiet out of what I guessed was desperation. 

A hit and a sharp scream was heard, and I had to cup a hand over my mouth to keep myself from gasping out in utter surprise. 

"You fucked up bad Louis. At school I told you to beat Shawn, not fucking Felix and Alex. You messed up my plans! I had everything laid out and now it's ruined by your retarded ass!" Another hit was thrown and I found myself shifting forward to grab the knob, terrified for Louis, but needing to get out so that I could safely understand what I was witnessing. 

He yelped out, mumbling for help. The guilt was inexorable in its attempt to choke me, its hold as binding as rings are sewn into one. I bit my tongue as my hand fell upon the chilled metallic surface, twisting it to the left and quietly popping the door open

Those screams were hard to ignore, though morally what was so wrong was how they tugged at the very essence of my scruples and put a rope around my throat that I was lucky to have avoided. Yet, despite the ounce of conscience that yelled at me to turn to save Louis, I found my face sanguine as I glared face to face the harsh dry wind of the icy late fall. 

I'd lost myself in the cold as my realization blatantly smacked me in the cheek. Nicholas and Markus were in a spew, bound to slip up and spill their secret. Shawn was burning his skin in a vain attempt to help himself evade the horrific reality that he was forced to live. Louis was in an abusive relationship where he is being physically and mentally manipulated, and then there's Matthew. Matthew is god knows where and Louis feels responsible. My friends were falling apart and I was slowly piecing their broken lives together, not mending them but understanding. But, as the day of Iris' party approached I wondered if my frugal map of their lives would be enough to save them.


	14. Awkward Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After meeting back up, the day before seems to have left a bitter taste for the group.

It was practically bound to come around, facing my friends after the bickering of yesterday. I had walked into school, knowing the usual schedule of where I’d sit, but decided to break it. I didn’t know if I could face Louis, nor could I even sit at the same table as Chandler. 

So, I found myself at Shawn’s table, now knowing of his ex-boyfriend and just a little bit more about what the past was like for the group. Of course, it was the usual set up. I had brought my lunch while the boys were all impatiently standing in the lunch line. 

I tapped my finger against the table, slouching over onto the shadowy surface. My face clung to the pale white plastic as I let my hair drape into my face. 

‘If Nicholas and Markus are distant then this situation couldn’t possibly get worse.’ I thought, knowing fully well that Nicholas and Markus rarely argued and if they did it was in banter. 

“The people in this school are insane,” I mumbled, acknowledging that I was a student in the school and equal on the playing field with Mark and Nick’s sanity. I could barely keep myself out of the gossip, just like Helen, Iris, and Elizabeth. At least I had good intentions.

Then came the drop of a tray on the table, plastic against plastic followed by someone lazily slouching down in his seat. 

“Hey Shawn,” I said, sitting up from the table and deciding to take a bite of my bagel. 

“Did you solve your mystery, Scooby?” He asked, taking out his phone and scrolling through what I could assume was an endless source of useless twitter posts that he could care less about. 

“I got a few answers, but I’d rather hear the words from you instead of the blonde frat boys over there.” My answer was dry and blunt. He didn’t seem surprised that I’d asked Louis, rather he raised an eyebrow at the frat boy comment. If I was more observant maybe a bit of amusement was strewn across that impassive expression.

“You know you aren’t getting answers any time soon.” He said, pressing his thumb into the crack on his screen. I shrugged, he was just pointing out things I already knew. 

“Have Mark and Nick made up or are they just-” Shawn cut me off right there with his response, pushing a fluffy bunch of black hair out of his face and pressing back on his glasses.

“Figure it out yourself. I’m not like Louis. I’m not gonna tell you everything I know about other people.” He wasn’t mad, just really tired. Perhaps he was just being hormonal. He fiddled with his pride pin for a moment, readjusting the tape he’d used to repair it.

"Hey, Brooklyn!" Mark said, smiling as he set down his tray and hopped into his chair. He popped one blow of blue raspberry bubblegum and kicked back. 

If he was struggling with Nicholas, he certainly wasn't showing it. I leaned back and grabbed onto my purse that I'd been carrying around my shoulder because it was that time of the month. I quickly grabbed a hair tie from inside and yanked back my hair, but unfortunately, Markus had been paying attention.

"I never understood why girls carry purses around at school sometimes." He said, shaking his head and staring at the small leather bag hanging off my chair. Shawn rolled his eyes. 

"Its called a period, dumbass." He snapped, reminding his friend of the obvious facts. Even I couldn't help but shake my head. I knew that Shawn was definitely not in the best state of mind, after all how he snapped his leg was still a big topic for a lot of people, and being gossiped about can do some bad things to a person. At least he was talking. 

"Okay, I never got that like. Can't you just like not- I mean like hold it in?" Shawn just leaned forward onto the table and slammed his face down.

"Markus if you get a cut can you just stop the bleeding?" I asked, just shaking my head at his stupidity. His expression fell for a moment, revealing a much more disheveled and upset version of my friend. It snapped away in a matter of seconds as he kept his mouth closed, shrugging and then beginning to stuff his face with a baked potato. 

At some point, Nicholas came over and Shawn chewed on a celery stick, staring at the pair curiously. Nicholas tossed his tray down next to Mark and then moved his chair just a little closer to Mark. 

"Nicholas! I haven't seen you since first period. What are you wearing?" Looking at Nicholas I did notice a bit of an oddity with his attire. He was wearing a blue, red, and white striped shirt and overtop it was a blue jacket. He was more of a collared shirt kind of kid. 

"Oh, yeah I changed into my clothing for play practice. Also, we need to talk." Markus yanked on the strings of his jacket, leaning back in his chair. 

"I know we need to, but not now." His tone was overly chilled out while Nicholas seemed much more serious, but something about how he talked had a relatively friendly undertone. . 

"That dick thinks he can be a homophobic bastard when he's having way past third base with his boyfriend." The irony was aggravating, but it was only one side of the story which neglected the abusive circumstances that Louis endured.

"Louis hasn't ever been homophobic, just a completely terrible person. It's Chandler that's the hypocrite." Shawn said, only in slight defense of Louis. 

"I think he's using Louis. I don't think Chandler is gay, just manipulative and using romance to get to Louis." Markus nervously looked to the side and mumbled.

"Chandler called me a fag this morning and told me to go do what I'm best at." I didn't quite understand that last part. Either Chandler had poked at the whole Nick and Mark are a thing and was emphasizing that he thought it was just sex or he was referencing to the rumor that Markus cut himself. 

Apparently Nicholas made up his mind on whichever it was and hugged onto his best friend. Markus laughed and told his friend he was fine and it was just a bruise.

"I swear Nick, I'll talk to you later about it. For now, it is not a problem." Markus said, leaning back from the hug and fluffing up his blue edged hair just a little more, the deep blue strands falling into place. 

Nicholas grabbed Markus by the chin, pulling him to look him in the eye. 

"You swear you'll talk?" He questioned, keeping that hold on the other's chin and staring him in the eye. Markus' face went bright red as he searched for some way to sarcastically blow off an answer. 

The moment was abruptly put to a halt when Louis barely tapped his bottle of Mtn Dew onto Nicholas' head, unintentionally hitting a little too hard. 

"Nick, that's a little gay." He said, still under the impression that Mark and Nick weren't a thing. 

Shawn instantly swapped to having a complete focus on his phone, pushing his headphones up and over his ears. Markus zoned in on Nicholas who's attention was locked onto Louis. He didn't look too happy to see the guy. 

Markus was practically drooling over Nicholas for some odd reason. He just leaned onto his hands and stared in complete fascination. Nicholas didn't seem to bother with it much, and he clearly knew he was getting attention from the blue-haired teen. 

Nick was just so focused on glaring at Louis as if he were the spawn of satan. 

"Anyways, Brook don't you normally sit with us today?" He asked, clearly having been sent over by his abusive prick of a boyfriend. I noticed Louis had a visible limp and his hands were shaking. Chandler was breaking the poor boy into shards of his former self. 

"I can't put up with Chandler's ass today. Also, I wanted to chill with Shawn and these two idiots." I explained, giving Louis at least one little thing to tell his boyfriend. I wasn't trying to get him hurt.

"What's wrong Louis, someone bring up bad memories yesterday?" Shawn suddenly asked, revealing that his headphone jack was unplugged. 

"I-" he couldn't even retort Shawn's statement. He was just left dumbfounded, staring at Shawn for a split second. 

"Hey, why don't you go ask your boyfriend why he fucked with Mark about being gay?" Nicholas suggested, he and Shawn both were ignorant to a certain underside to the story. Chandler had Louis in a very risky situation. 

"Hey, no- no, it's not his fault." Mark spoke up, causing me to nod in agreement. Louis gave us both a thankful grin, cupping his tray a bit tighter than he needed to. 

He then looked at Shawn with a look that just screamed, 

'I'm sorry.' Shawn just shook his head and gave back one of the looks that I didn't think a human face could to contort. 

'You say you're sorry but you've done it once and almost did it again.' The emotion was blunt disbelief. Louis looked to his side, accepting guilt as his malicious counterpart. 

Shawn had willingly let Louis know that I said I asked him about Matthew and spoke of him as a bad memory for Louis. Shawn had defended Louis all those months ago. What happened that made their friendship so bitter? What made Shawn so depressed? Did he jump from that roof?

I looked over at Shawn's crutches once Louis had left. Silence scribbled over the canvas of discord. Nicholas was the one to break it. 

"Sleepover at my place tonight. Y'all can come if you want; I already told Mark. Louis won't be there and my dad won't be home till the morning." Markus seemed a bit disappointed that Shawn and I were invited. I guess it would have made since for him to want to spend time with his best friend. 

"Sure," Shawn mumbled. I quickly agreed myself, smiling at Nicholas who seemed to notice the disappointment that slapped across Mark's face. He'd changed. Usually he'd ask Mark if he was okay and Mark would crack a joke and laugh, but Nick got straight to the point.

"I promise I'll talk with you. We both need to." So they made up, but something wasn't finished.


	15. Expressing Himself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus and Nicholas attempt to help Louis and sort out their relationship.

**Nicholas' POV**  
So, it was mere hours until I found myself standing outside of the bathroom, foot tapping against the tile floor, rubbing against whatever cheap material it was made of. 

I soon saw Markus turn the corner, face a bit red once he laid eyes on me. He twirled a little blue strand of hair around the edge of his index finger. 

"Sorry, it took me a while to convince the teacher to let me have a hall pass because Louis was already out with one." He explained, leaning against the wall next to me. I was puzzled quite frankly, quickly asking,

"I didn't see Louis go in the bathroom. Did he go to the nurse or something?" He hastily nodded, inching closer to me. I knew that was bull, Louis didn't ever go to the nurse. He just used it as an excuse to get out of class.

"Yeah, I'd guess he's off doing something with Chandler, Alexander, or Felix." Markus responded, adding onto his prior comment. He bit down on his lip then awkwardly tugged at his shirt. 

"So, we came to talk. Let's get to the point. What are we?" I asked, pointing between the two of us. I noticed his breath pitch just the slightest. His anxiety seemed to peek just a little as he fumbled around with the drawstrings of his jacket. I gave him a reassuring look, resting one of my hands onto his tensed up fist, immediately feeling the muscles relax and fingers fall loose. 

He intertwined his hand with mine and looked up at me. 

"Nicholas, I-" Once more, someone brought a halt to our confessions. A loud bang came from the hall, followed by a wince of pain. 

"What the hell?" I mumbled, Markus, freezing up as I did. We both stood off the wall and wordlessly decided to look around for where the cry came from.

Our hands remained locked, though less with passion and more with the impending feeling of anxiety. 

I felt my heart skip a beat and my breath shortens as I was met with a horrific sight. 

Chandler stood with his hand on Louis' neck, choking him against the metal barricade of lockers. 

"What is with you and being defiant?" He growled as Louis gasped and whimpered, kicking his legs uselessly. The appendages simply missed Chandler's shins, and just uselessly laid limp against the metal lockers. 

"I'm sorry! I- erk- I didn't mean it!" He whined, cheeks soaked with tears.

"You've fucked over my home life. You screwed up all my plans and you couldn't even do what I fucking said to at lunch. The only thing you're good at is putting your mouth to good use!" He let go of Louis' neck, then took him by the head and forced him down on his knees, roughly smacking the kid as against the tile floor. 

"You used to do everything I said." The dominant hissed. I felt my arm tremble slightly as Markus began to tense up, standing close to me in search of some form of silent reassurance.

"I will! I promise I will." Louis begged, head down, and hands shaking against the tile floor. 

I knew Chandler as a high school bully, a self-absorbed jerk. He'd proved in February to be demented, but I had let the thought linger. Now I saw him have Louis brought to his knees, battered and bruised. The guy wasn't just a high school bully.

"If you don't, you and Markus get to join." Markus went deathly pale at the mention of his name. He backed against me, staring at the scene with a new eye. 

"I'm yours, alright? I'll obey." Louis spoke, choking on his own hesitant breath. Chandler gripped Louis by his chin, clawing into the skin as he eyed his "boyfriend". 

"Then suck." Markus and I both made a choice instantly as Chandler began to move to unhook his belt. Louis was wordlessly staring forward, tears and snot dripping down his face. 

"Run past them, make them think someone else is coming," Markus whispered, letting his hand tighten around mine as he took a step forward, ready to run. 

"Shit!" I yelled my acting skills up to par as usual. I ran in front of Mark, dragging him with me. I pretended to pay no mind to Chandler or Louis, but in hindsight I should've been watching. 

As if he'd expected it, Chandler swiftly pivoted around, kicking his foot in front of mine, tripping me, then pushing his leg leftward to do the same to Mark.

I hadn't tripped, only stumbled, but when Mark gripped onto me for balance, that pushed me over and we both fell onto the ground, on top of each other in a very uncomfortable position. 

"Dumbasses, you think I'm dumb enough not to check around for other people." He said, then kicking Markus so that his body was thrown off of mine. Louis sniffled, staring over at us in surprise. 

"Chandler, I'll do what you want. Let them go. They have class." Louis quickly spoke, still sitting onto the concrete at the same level as I was. 

Louis was shut up, Chandler kicking him in the chest and winding him. He fell to his side gasping for air as his breathing twisted into a fit of confusion. 

Markus and I were both trying to get to our feet, after all it was two against one. Louis was out of play, useless and waiving in pain. 

Without warning, Chandler kicked me in the nose just as Louis was beginning to regain a steady pace of breath. 

Blood began to ooze down my face, dripping like rain onto my palms and clothing. Markus quickly wrenched forward, trying to hug onto me, only to be yanked back and upwards by the trim of his hoodie. 

"Gahg- I can't bre-!" He tried to yell before gasping in air before he would choke on the strangling hold of his own shirt.

Chandler let out a low chuckle of amusement. He thrived in other's pain, sending a glare over to me and Louis. 

"Restrain Nicholas." He ordered, then drawing out a shiny razor from the tucked-in slit of his pocket. He placed the blade close to Mark's neck and glared over at me. I didn't dare budge. It wasn't past Chandler to use weaponry. Louis jumped forward and held me down to the floor, lifting my head so that I could see my crush carefully breathing with his eyes locked onto the blade.

"Now, isn't this cute. My plan is flawless when people listen. Now let me be very clear with everyone here." He slid off Markus' glove, revealing the lacerations. 

"One out of five with three bending down. The last one is useless to my endeavors, but messes with them still." He ran his fingers over the clotted cuts and scars on Mark's poor frail arms. Markus sucked in shrill breaths as the razor was brought to his arm, keeping as still as he could so that his skin wouldn't be cut.

"Once my main of the three join to make two of five," The blade pressed against Mark's skin.

"I'll move to the third, but I can't with the last one in my way." His words made no sense, but what did make sense was his power over us.

"Anyhow, isn't it sad. Poor Markus cuts himself. He's a fun canvas, and saying hes already got quite the hobby surely he'd be fine with letting me paint a little more red." The blade raised up and Chandler gave us a sick smile. 

"Let's start with our foundation." He smirked at me, trying to provoke a reaction which he would receive. Markus was trying to heal, he was reaching for happiness and constructive coping methods. 

"No- No wait stop! Stop!" Markus screeched, trying to yank himself free, but only scraping himself against the razor. It cut down the surface of the slick skin, digging past the healthy layer of skin and tearing into the blood oozing tissue. It wasn't a major vein that was hit so the blood was minimal, though with my nose drenched in blood as well, it just made the scene that much gore filled. 

"Let him go right now! I swear to god-" I hissed, the underplaying tone of my voice sounding petrified though carefully masked by the fury of the upper tone. 

I smacked my wrist up, twisting it free of Louis' hold. He was just doing what would keep people safe, and right now Chandler had Markus at knifepoint. 

I sat up and pushed Louis off me, not minding him as he smacked his head against the floor. All that I had my mind set on was getting my crush out of there. I wasn't going to let Chandler beat him down. 

"Louis you worthless piece of shit, even Markus could surpass you when it comes down to how much you really matter in this world. Though, his whole family does hate him." Chandler rambled on, not cutting Markus but rather manipulating his body awkwardly, putting him in a state where it was painfully clear that he had no control. 

Mark was struggling, but I didn't want to make another brash move just in case Chandler would actually hurt him, go in deep enough with a razor and it can mean death. 

"Markus you're squirming a lot, don't tell me this is your way of trying to get out, fatass." I grimaced at that comment. Calling Mark that was a low blow, and one that hit his self esteem hard. Mark was a completely normal weight, but it was easy to tell when he'd suddenly start skipping on lunch because of a comment someone made. 

"Your boyfriend isn't doing much about this. Sure he really loves you, fag?" Even if Chandler was at least bisexual, or just taking advantage of Louis, a slur is a slur. 

My fists clenched up against my own will, then again every bone in my body wanted to punch the lights out of Chandler. So, I reached forward and punched him in the neck, shock actually reaching the psychopath for once. 

He dropped Markus who quickly scurried to his feet, yanking me up by the cuff of my sleeve. Louis had knocked out from my shove and Chandler just glared at me like I was the most detestable cretin he'd ever seen. 

"Thank you, thank you, thank you so much." Markus whispered as I hung my arm around his shoulder and kept running with him until we got far enough away from where the scene had broken down. 

The area we then stood in was dimmed by the flickering lights of the old boys locker room, the one the school never uses anymore because of weird odors and faulty plumbing. 

"Markus, holy shit." I gasped out, clutching my hand around his bleeding arm and looking him in the eye. I squeezed to stop the blood from oozing anymore mostly because I was a little blood queasy. 

"Are you okay, and you, you aren't a fatass you know that right?" I asked, wiping the now drying blood from off my upper lip. He shakily responded, the tremor in his blue eyes and twitch of his hands just making me pity him. 

"I'm fine, I-" I knew he couldn't answer that next question. Silence was all that I needed to hear. He always seemed so confident, turning his shirt into a crop top and killing me in DDR or walking over to the lunch table and making his peppy entrance. His self-esteem was being ripped apart every single day. 

"You aren't fat, Mark and nothing about your sexuality is wrong. We should get you to the nurse…" I said, making sure he got the message, even going as far as to move my index finger to the crevice between his jaw and neck.

"Wait," He began, taking his hand and gripping onto mine, linking our fingers into a tight bond. Mark stared into my eyes, his sparkling with that spark of optimism he always carried, though tears were edging.

"I'm glad we did that. Class is out in 3 minutes and Chandler won't have had enough time to get Louis alone. He can't abuse Louis, so I don't think… I don't think this was for nothing." I felt a grin maneuver it's way onto my face, making me light up just a little. Markus was being sincere in his positivity, it wasn't in vain. He was genuinely happy that we accomplished that. 

"Thanks for saving me back there though." Mark began to stammer, the eye contact we held suddenly going from sincere thankfulness to awkward romantic stare. 

He was just so flustered, it was kinda cute. Everything in that moment was so rushed but just for a second everything seemed to calm down, my hand was cupped over his cheek while my other hand was intertwined with his.. Both of us were bleeding, though I had relatively stopped due to the fact that it was just a rough nosebleed.

I quickly made a move, deciding that I wanted to take this moment to finally make it final. Allowing my thumb to stroke against his cheek, I began the debate of my further attempts to keep whatever was going on from ending negatively. 

He leaned into the caress, smiling just a little. Sucking in a breath, I decided to make the decision, leaning forward and pressing my lips against his. The feeling was instant relief, snapping open a barricade that had stood between us for years. That wasn’t mentioning the overwhelming sense of joy that suddenly pumped through me like a rush of adrenaline. 

What shocked me was that he moved both his arms so that they embraced me, pressing us deeper into that kiss. It felt so amazing even if neither of us were any good at kissing. It didn’t actually last long but those feelings did. The two of us pulled away, opening our eyes and once more linking hands. 

“I think I got blood on your jacket,” Markus admitted his face bright red from the overwhelming feeling of that kiss. 

“It’s fine. We definitely need to go to the nurse.” I stated, squeezing his hand as I felt my face become flushed. He kept me from tugging him to the door, yanking me back and looking me in the eye, this time I found myself coming to the realization that I should’ve kissed Markus months ago.

“Nicholas I was wondering if you might just wanna go on a date with me at some point.” He said, speaking extremely fast as if the possibility I would say no was extremely high. Then again, I had no idea how speaking faster would solve that Delima. 

“How could I say no? Tell me the date and time and I’ll be there.” Next thing I knew my lips were once again pressed to Mark’s. I was craving that feeling, love was practically thriving on this and I was starved of that. 

It wasn’t much longer before the sleepover started. Apparently, I had been acting off according to my drama coach. She said that I sung my lines well, but overall seemed a little distracted. Markus was watching the entirety of play practice just as he usually did. I suppose the drama teacher let him because she knew he’d also come to the performance despite having seen the dress rehearsals over and over.

I actually told my teacher that I’d landed myself in a relationship, though didn’t go into it. Even if I loved my drama coach, I wasn’t going to tell her anything about my love life, even if it was blatantly clear that I was a flaming homosexual. 

Markus joined me after play practice and let us resume where we finally stood. After all of that tiresome school work and exhausting play practice, the two of us walked into my house, hands locked together in a respectively chaste motion. 

I didn’t exactly live in the best part of town. Markus had the advantage of having two parents that loved him and worked hard to provide for him and his siblings. Not once had Markus judged me for where I lived. 

That day he waltzed in and threw himself onto my couch, sprawling out on the rather uncomfortable old thing. His dimples glowed up as he smiled, kicking his legs up and laughing. 

"Nick, c'mere!" He said, sitting up and patting next to him on the couch, wavering that space to me, his new boyfriend(?). I got a bit giddy at the thought and flung myself onto the couch next to him. 

"PoD?" He questioned, raising up the controller. I smirked, leaning close to him and putting my hand up against his thigh. 

"Sure but I was thinking we did a little something else before the others get here." His face flushed to the sanguine red I had expected it to fade to. But to my surprise his hand rose up and separated us. 

"Nick, I'm flattered but…" He paused, tensing up. 

"I'm not ready for that. This whole relationship thing is so new and I am not ready for that step. I'm still trying to learn to love myself and be comfortable with my body before you're inside me. Please, please don't be mad." Oh, did I feel like shit in that moment. My heart sank to the bottom off my chest. I never meant to make him uncomfortable. 

"I'm not mad, never will be. I shouldn't have asked. I want to take this slow, but part of me just wants to make you know I love you a-and…" I paused realizing that I was stuttering, wasn't I supposed to be the stable one? I felt arms slide around my sides and wrap me into a scarf of a hug, his chin resting on my shoulder. 

"Nick, I know you love me. I want to be okay with myself before we go past third base. It's not that I don't want to have sex with you it's just that we need to take this slow. I know you love me and sex isn't going to change that. Slow but soon." He said, his hand maneuvering carefully against my hair, caressing me into the warmth of his body. His chest was moving and his body warm. The most important thing to me was when he pulled back his smile was loving, and he didn't hesitate for more than a second to kiss me on the cheek. 

I found myself blushing, though the hue of my skin made that hard to notice. Markus clearly saw that, just smiling back at me. I was so caught up in his smile, so captivating and adorable, that I didn't notice his hand slowly slip onto mine until he gripped on, intertwining it in a tight caress. 

"Alright, taking it slow." I repeated, silently vowing to never wash my face again. Just getting a kiss from Markus felt like the most amazing thing in the whole world, like instant relief. It was better than dropping onto a bed after school or getting a good grade on a project. 

Then someone knocked on the door, but that wasn't what shocked me. What left me ghostly pale with my back pressed against the couch and hand shot as far away from Mark's was my father's hoarse voice. 

"I'll get it for your lazy ass." Mark and I both exchanged equally horrified looks. My dad hadn't even noticed Markus, and thank god he hadn't noticed us all cuddled together. 

The door popped open and behind it stood Shawn and Brooklyn. Now, my dad was a complicated guy. He'd probably not hate me for dating Markus if he wasn't intoxicated. Honestly, it was depressing how much he drank around me. Drunk people aren't fun.

"Hi Mr. Rivers!" Brooklyn greeted, her smile genuine but the judgement of the place I lived in was quite obvious behind her translucent mask. 

He just smiled at her, then stared at Shawn for a moment. He pitied Shawn, but nothing more was given away by his expression. 

"Shawn, nice to see you again." He said, turning his body to reveal the rest of the room, allowing both of my friends in. 

"Oh god what happened to you Nicholas?" Brooklyn questioned, noticing the mild swelling on my nose. Markus moved closer to me, smiling sheepishly as I put my arm around his waist. 

"Chandler, as usual." Shawn sat down next to Markus, looking at where my arm was and staring at me in disbelief. He didn't think it would ever happen, and I didn't want to make things awkward with the PDA so I just took my arm away making the inquisitive's questions go unanswered.

We shoved PoD into the console and began playing. Our little 8-Bit characters jumping past spears and over flames. The amount of times my character was caught by the villagers because I was staring at Markus' adorable smile and sexy body must have been more than enough because Shawn began to fight off the peasants behind me so that we could progress the game. 

At some point my dad called me into the kitchen, just the deep tone of his voice signaling to me that there was something substantial to fear. I looked at the open beer cans on the table from either today or from weeks spanning. 

"Listen, I'm not a dumbass, Nicholas. I've read posts about you and Markus. You're both sinful homosexuals. That's the truth to it." I bit my lip, tearing at it. He knew Mark's parents and I didn't want him getting in trouble. 

"No, dad, those are rumors started 'cause I do theater and Markus is my best friend." I lied, again thankful that my acting skills came to good use. God, what would I have done if I was a bad liar. 

"Listen you all are pissing me off. I don't care if it's just rumors get your faggot friends out of the living room." I hastily nodded, not wanting to be barraged anymore. There was only so much of his drunken slurs I could stand. They always got me down. He's my dad and just hearing him say that stuff to me was hard.

I quickly motioned for my friends to go down the hall to where my bedroom was, quickly running after them. The sharp turn into the room nearly made me smack face first into the door. 

My face hurt, my heart was pounding and worst of all my self-confidence had shifted. I felt just a little embarrassed. I stared around my bedroom, the small bed pushed against the wall. My friends all stood in the middle of the room, right below the mahogany fan. 

"Shawn, Brook, can you two leave for a second I need to talk to Nick." Markus said, stepping forward with his hands stuffed in his pocket. Brook and Shawn both shrugged, stepping into my half bathroom, granting us that privacy. 

When the click of the door sounded, Markus moved his hand down, touching his index finger against the delicate graze of my hand.

"You deserve so much more." He mumbled, biting his lip. I noticed a shadow run over his face as he bent his head down. I noticed a tear drip off of his chin, though he was trying to dry up. 

"He's so terrible to you. You're amazing, smart, and confident." He yanked his hand away from mine and hugged onto himself. 

"And I'm a worthless guy who follows you around." I quickly made him take that back. There was no way I'd continue to let him say that. 

My hands gripped onto his, intertwining them into a strong lock. I got him to look up at me for a second.

"Markus, you're right. I don't deserve what my dad does, but don't you dare start putting yourself don't because of it. I am so glad I'm with you." I said, the sincere ring in my voice definitely stabbed with a thick layer of heartache. Markus was hurting me by putting himself down. 

"Are you happy?" I asked, lifting one of my hands up so that it caressed his tear stained cheek, closely rubbing through his blue hair. 

"I want to be. I just want to get better for you a-and for myself." At least he mentioned himself, showing that little sliver of hope he had in his abilities. 

I began to explain, the heat of love standing between the two of us, a new feeling that neither of us we're familiar with. He nuzzled into my palm, looking up at me with those adorable blue eyes. 

"I love you, alright. Let's have fun for the weekend. We don't have to worry about Chandler, our families, or anyone else. We can just try to enjoy this." My hand was a bit sweaty from him leaning into it with his warm face, but I sure wasn't complaining. He was adorable, but most of all he felt safe. 

"I don't want to cry or panic. I really do want to remember my first weekend as your boyfriend as a good moment." He was getting better through relapsing into self doubt over and over. It would take a while for him to understand how much he means to me. That fact alone pricked at my skin. 

"Can I kiss you?" I asked feeling as if this was just once more a repeat of the breakdown that happened so recently. This time I was finally in a place that I could make him feel better and make sure he wasn't hurt afterwards. 

His head shifted as he nodded, putting an arm around me. I leaned forward and kissed him, pushing my body against his in a chaste yet intimate manner. 

The loquacious lacking in the moment was perfect. It was just my lips pressed into his and our bodies against each other. Our relationship would be complicated, but we were just going to enjoy it and each other for now. 

I was almost left shocked when I felt Markus slip his tongue into my mouth, asking for a much more suggestive interaction. I wasn't going to push Mark past what he wanted nor would I cross my boundaries. Sure, we were going to have fun but the boundaries set were still boundaries. We weren't going to pass third base, but I sure as hell accepted his invitation to second base. 

I let him do what he wanted, though the awkward tangle of our tongues slapped us with the dumb realization that we were both new to this. 

We forgot about Brooklyn and Shawn who were silently sitting on my bathroom floor, waiting patiently for us to finish "talking."

"You taste good." I breathed out when he pulled back. 

"Hah… thanks you too." He responded, his arms still around me as he backed up, pulling me with him. 

He backed against the bed, pushing back on it and pulling me with him. Just where was this going? I had no clue, but the second I was pulled against him again I found myself feeling slightly turned on. My heart was beating and emotions rushing with the fervid blow of my instinct. 

His hand entangled in my hair, pushing my face down against his and bringing us into a kiss while his other arm pressed my torso down on his, actually creating friction between our lower halves. A pump of something shot through me in that second. 

Markus squeaked a little at the feeling which he had apparently gotten as well. I took the lead once more, now moving down to kiss his jaw and down to his neck.

"Nicholas- Ah…" He whispered as I sucked onto that tender skin behind his hoodie. I pushed my hips further against his, grinding us together. 

"Holy fuck-" He moaned out, a litle loud, but not loud enough for my dad to hear. I just wanted to make him feel good up to the level that we were ready to venture through. 

"Markus, careful with the noise." I said with a suggestive smirk, bringing my hips to his twice as forcefully as I had earlier. 

"Nick- mngh… I'm gonna get hard if you keep doing that." He moaned, blushing with the uncomfortable tinge of embarrassment. It was a blind fit of ecstasy combined with love and lust for one another.

"Hey guys can- can we come out?!" Brooklyn shouted clearly having heard enough. My face must have looked as if it were on fire because instantly I backed off Mark and he curled up blushing, after all he was the one moaning. 

Honestly, he was just horny, but completely mortified. He nuzzled into my sheets, hugging the bed as if it would keep him from being laughed at. 

I just smiled, sheepishly sitting on the bed and telling the two they could come out. Shawn had his headphones on while Brooklyn snickered at us, the unsettling tension punching everyone in the face. 

Markus sat up, rocking back and forth on the bed nervously. 

"Finally, you two actually got together!" Brooklyn said, hopping down onto the floor next to where a very aggravated Shawn sat. He seemed really focused in on whatever he was listening to. 

Markus snickered, kicking back and grinning wildly. 

So, we all talked Shawn slowly shifted from being distant and annoyed to slowly starting to, though not grin, look rather appeased, a zesty pep behind all that grey of his facade. 

We ate dinner and played video games. Between Markus' real smile and frivolous arguments and banter and Shawn's impassive attitude that slowly began to fade into just a calm demeanor, we all showed to have a little fun. 

**Brooklyn's POV**  
Perhaps it was the uncanny conversations and mind boggling conversation between all of us that left us all in a state of discomfiture. 

Nicholas was sprawled out on his bed, roughhousing with Markus. It didn't appear to have any romantic undertone to it, just two guys on a bed smacking each other with pillows. 

Shawn was busy listening to music and ignoring the people around him. His introverted predilection phasing past me as normal. At least he wasn't insulting me at every opportunity he had. 

I was talking on and off with Nicholas and Markus while sitting on my green colored sleeping bag. Oh, did I mention we all changed into pajamas?

Nicholas wore a set of mauve matching pajamas, they had a collar at the top and were buttoned up with slick white buttons. Markus on the other hand dressed down with a much more casual attire. He wore a loose long sleeved colorful hoodie along with some short shorts. 

Shawn was different. He had a black sweater over top a long red shirt and some warm black pants. He was the most cozy of all of us. I was just dressed in a long sleeved shirt and some green plaid pants. 

My observations and acute explanations were brought to an end with the sound of the bed creaking. Markus had hopped onto Nicholas, pushing him chest down onto the bed. 

"One, two, three, four, five! I win." Markus cheered triumphantly. His arms shot up in his supremacy, claiming his win with a confidence that seemed genuine. 

He crawled off Nicholas, who, being a bitter loser, made a certain remark. 

"Oh that wasn't fair. I was distracted because you look really damn hot in those shorts." Markus sheepishly accepted the flattery though the sanguine pigment that rose to his face implied that he knew Nicholas said that with a much more sexual undertone.

"Niiick stop!" He said, flicking Nicholas away by childishly waving his wrists. His almost pointless flusteredness caused Shawn to roll his eyes. Why did the guy have to be a sour asshole even when he clearly wanted Mark and Nicholas to get together. 

He just wanted to push everyone away. The burns on his hands stood out clear as daylight, though it appeared that he burnt them on something much more boiling hot than sink water. 

I looked over at him and nudged him in the shoulder. 

"Come on, smile for once in your life and grab a pillow I'm joining in on this." I said, taking my pillow from the floor. He took his headphones down and slided his hand atop the silky covering of his pillow.

"Fine, but if I wake up and hear Nicholas thrusting into Markus, I get to sleep on the couch." He grumbled, Markus' face going bright red while Nicholas just looked up at the ceiling with a flustered smile.

Perhaps Shawn was just being salty because he hadn't been told by Nicholas or Markus about their surreptitious relationship and was hurt that they kept it from him. 

"Alright, it's a deal. I'll take the floor in the living room if Markus starts moaning his boyfriend's name." Okay, that last part was added just to further embarrass the new couple. My effort worked, even Nicholas hiding his face in his hands. 

After a few more minutes we all spread out through Nicholas' room. Shawn, the assassin, took the corner closest to the bathroom, kneeling down with a black blanket tied around his neck like a cape. 

King Markus sat atop the bed (his throne) with his "trustworthy" servant and guard Nicholas. The goal was to become king. If you get pinned down for five seconds you die. Markus had a lovely paper crown that he showed off as he carelessly leaned across his palace. 

I was the mafia leader, though it was blatantly true that Shawn could betray me and take my role. I sat in the corner horizontal to where Shawn was. 

Oh everyone also had their weapon. I had a toy gun and so did Markus. Shawn and Nicholas just had pillows while Mark and I had access to use those if we wanted. If you get shot with a gun you're stunned for 3 seconds and aren't allowed to move.

The game began with the wave of the king's hand. To my surprise, before even taking out Nicholas, Shawn threw a pillow at me. 

I quickly drew my gun and shot Shawn in the shoulder, the foam bullet smacking him in the stomach. Nicholas took this as an opportunity, leaping onto Shawn and awkwardly pinning him down.

"One, two, three, f-" Markus began counting, only to halt the moment Shawn wriggled out of Nicholas' grip and stood up, pillow in his arms and ready to swing. 

Markus knew better than to shoot. The bullet would just get deflected; however, I took my move to retrieve my one bullet from the ground. However, Shawn quickly noticed me crawl over, lightly shoving me to the ground and holding me with my hands behind my back to the ground. Unlike Nicholas' awkwardly sex pose like tackle, Shawn pushed his knee into my spine and without my arms I was rendered useless. 

"One, two, three, four, five. The mafia leader has been killed and the assassin has taken her place." I snapped my fingers the second that Shawn was off of me, taking my seat against the bookshelf to spectate. 

Shawn swept his hand against the carpet, locking onto the toy gun and shoving in the bullet. He held it at Nicholas and glared at Markus. 

"I'll shoot your peasant what's with the hesitation Markus, you could shoot me two more times and I'm dead and I will have already shot and been holding down your servant. You'd tackle him and you win. Unless, there's a reason you are hesitating." The last remark left Markus grimacing with the gun still pointed at Shawn. 

"Surely the king wouldn't have any relations with his servant?" Oh shit, the plot thickens. The mafia's new leader has the king's secret lover at gunpoint. 

"Give up Markus. If you refuse to betray your love you'll lose." Shawn said, his expression not a grin but the look of devious accomplishment. Markus lowered his gun in defeat.

"Good choice, prince." He said, taking the gun and shooting Nicholas in the arm. As the rules went, he froze. 

Shawn tackled Nicholas as Markus helplessly watched, unable to stop the attack. 

"Five, four, three, two, one." Nicholas went limp, bucking back and laying down. Shawn got off of him and he crawled over to the sidelines, taking a seat next to me. 

It was now the mafia leader and the king who just witnessed the death of his forbidden lover. The king beckoned the mafia leader to his castle, head hung low in disgust with the actions of the killer.

It was final blood. You had to hold the other down for 30 seconds to win. 

"You killed my only true love." He growled once Shawn stood before the throne with a gun and a twisted posture of sickening success. 

"And you're next. I'll proclaim reign over this empire if it's the last thing I do." He raised his gun, yanking his finger against the trigger and firing at Markus. 

The bullet didn't shoot. There was no bullet loaded in the gun, on the floor lay the spare bullet which Shawn had neglected to reload.

Markus gripped onto Shawn and yanked him down onto the bed, well throne. He got on top of the shorter, holding his wrists to the bed. It looked extremely sexual, and Mark failed to acknowledge this. His mind was bent on revenge. 

"Two more shots to kill you or I keep you here for thirty seconds. Any last words Ruell?" He asked, smirking deviously. The gun resting against the assassin's chest. 

"You haven't won yet." Shawn said, trying to squirm out from under Markus. Mark smirked, accidentally pressing against Shawn as he yanked down on the trigger. 

"I think I have." He said as the bullet released, hitting Shawn. He could only take one more hit, but of course Shawn knew his ways of getting under people's skin. After all, he seemed to be genuinely enjoying himself, losing or not. 

With that movement, Shawn made an action that would change the game.

He bit his lip, looking downwards at his lower body. 

"Mngh fuck, Markus~" He moaned out, sounding like he was half turned on and half trying to hold back. The words slapped Markus in the face. 

"Shawn!?" He backed up a little. Him and Nicholas were both in shock, but I saw right through Shawn. He took the bullet that hit him and loaded his gun. 

"Do you need to go uh take care of yourself? We can finish this afterwards." Markus said, blushing just a little bit. He didn't realize he had been grinding into Shawn.

Shawn squirmed out from under Markus and swiftly bent down to load in that other bullet. It was abundantly clear that he'd just tricked Markus, after all he didn't even have a noticeable erection and he was wearing sweatpants so trust me, everyone would know. 

"I'd rather win." He said, firing both shots at Markus. One bullet smacked Mark in the collar bone and the other in the thigh. He was dumbfounded, so much so that he didn't realize he needed to load his gun with those bullets until Shawn had already pinned him down and reloaded his gun. 

"You bastard." Mark growled, hands held behind his back as Shawn pushed the gun to Markus' back.

Shawn just rolled his eyes, pulling the trigger and therefore winning the game, taking the crown and dropping the black blanket cape. 

"Shawn, that wasn't fair." Markus complained, fixing his hair that had been messed up in all of the roughhousing. Shawn just shrugged, sitting down on his sleeping bag and kicking back against his abused pillow. 

"Mark is is very rare for a guy to be grinding into me and me not be able to at least act like I'm turned on. I was just using my acting skills. You were the one dry fucking me." Shawn had a point, but Nicholas just had to be the one to respond. 

"Don't fuck my boyfriend, Shawn. I'll beat the hell out of you." He snapped, slinging an arm around his boyfriend as he took a seat. Shawn shrugged, leaning back on his pillow.

"If we ever did have sex it would be a threesome with you two topping me. Hit me up if you want." He joked, though the monotonous tone that he had was super off putting. I could barely tell if he was joking or not.

"Hell no." Was Nicholas' brusque response. He sprawled out atop the covers of Markus' bed, yawning as he did so. The school week must have smacked us with exhaustion, and I wanted to be well rested for the party the next day. 

"Should we sleep?" Shawn suggested before I even managed to part my lips. Markus nodded then proceeded to pop his thumb with his index finger and thumb. 

Of course my agreement was already signed and I began to unzip my sleeping bag, staring over awkwardly at the side of Shawn's head. He'd tilted it into such an awkward angle.

Now, my thoughts had shot themselves at Shawn. After all, I wanted my solid answers. And since he seemed a bit more vulnerable when drowsy, this was the perfect time to strike. 

I took in a breath and quietly spoke to him, knowing that it was nearly impossible for Nicholas and Markus to hear. 

"Matthew Hayes was your boyfriend." I said, noticing Shawn's whole body tense and run slightly pale. His body moved slightly to the side so that he was looking at me. 

"Yeah, he was the most amazing guy I've ever met. Really into er… what's it called astrology- no not that astronomy. We went stargazing on his roof all the time." Shawn explained. He seemed to really reminisce with the thought, holding it dear. 

"We'd laugh and joke, go on secret dates because our parents didn't know we were gay. When his dad was out we'd cuddle, hell, sometimes I'd pin him to the couch and fuck him senseless." I paused for a moment. Shawn lost his virginity early, wow, thanks for flexing on that, asshole. Nevertheless his tone then changed.

"But he and Louis clashed. I took his side, Louis gave in and started hanging out with other people then beginning to physically harm Mat. Whether it was ignorance or not, one day I took Louis' side because I thought that there was no possible way that what happened could have happen in such a time frame." He paused, biting down on his lip and deciding not to continue with the story. Clearly, guilt was punching into him. 

I quickly parted my lips, finally asking him that question that I so desperately wanted to know.

"And what happened?" Shawn drew up his walls again.

"He left. I'll never get to apologize to him. The only thing that kept him here was me and I abandoned him, so why would he stay. Now we have a fucking replacement." My coins were tied up, there was no smart way to bet. Everyone had the same secrecy about this.

Everyone felt as if they were the reason Mat left without saying goodbye.


	16. Gentlemen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sexual Content

**Markus' POV**

Snuggling underneath the covers with my body pressed against Nicholas' in a spooning yet loving embrace was the best thing that has happened to me in years. 

Through the warmth of each other's body and silence of the room I finally found comfort. His heart beat loudly as I pressed my ear to his chest, cuddling against him.

***Lemon ahead***

He smiled at me though it was hard to see with the low level of light. Only the moon's luminous shine managed to pass by the blinds, landing across all four of us, though mostly on Shawn. 

"How'd I get with someone as cute as you?" Nicholas whispered, resting his hand against my side. His fingers slowly stroked, pressed into my shirt and sending a calming rush of zen down my whole body. 

"You're the sexy one." I said, putting my hand on his lower torso, just barely touching the skin that was shown between his shirt and pants. 

"Also, your shirt is real restraining. Isn't it?" I questioned, an inexplicable wave of just being horny backhanding me. Yes, I wanted to take it slow, but that didn't mean I felt compelled to restrain myself from getting frisky with Nicholas.

See, just because I wasn't ready to have full on anal sex with Nick didn't mean I hadn't thought about him and jerked off. Since we were gonna have fun this weekend. I would be fine if at some point I got on my knees. 

Nicholas quickly took off his shirt and tucked it next to him. I looked over his fully exposed skin, biting my lip. He was extremely attractive, and as his boyfriend I was obligated to think that, but I always had. 

"You got a pen in your pocket Markus?" Nicholas suggestively questioned, grinding his hips into mine. I felt my face and ears both go red, curse teenage hormones for making me horny. 

"Oh jeez-" I mumbled, more focused on how humiliating it was that just seeing him shirtless somehow turned me on. 

His hand then pushed under my shirt, causing my attention to snap back to him.

"Know what would get me hard?" He asked, tugging on my hoodie. I had no idea that I'd finally get to do this with him, after all just days ago we would sleep back to back and a foot apart if I ever slept over. Or just spoon in the most no homo kind of way.

Now, he was wanting me to take off my hoodie which would in turn reveal my arms. The realization made me revoke back into a rather timid state. 

"Nobody will see your arms except me, I promise." He told me, his voice much more caring than seductive. I took a moment to breathe. Even him seeing the cuts was hard, I didn't like him seeing that vulnerability because I wanted to improve for him. 

Despite all of that, I sat up and took off my hoodie. I knew that Brook and Shawn probably could see our shadows and were thinking that Shawn might actually end up on the couch and Brooklyn on the floor in the living room. 

"Hey Mark, you look perfect." Nicholas said, sliding his hand against my arms. My wrist stung, what had been done to me earlier that day not only put me through immense amounts of pain, but also left me with that fresh reminder of what I did to myself.

"Thanks." I mumbled, looking him in the eyes and feeling my heart beat. It was a pulsating feeling, one that made my whole body feel warm.

I suddenly squirmed, that bulge in my pants bothering me as I tried desperately to just have a sweet moment with my boyfriend. Now, he was turned on too, but something about just being so dirty in front of Nicholas was still so different. Adrenaline was deluged over me like a great flood while I also just found myself feeling slightly nervous.

"I know you said you wanted to take this slow and I respect that, but your body is struggling. I can make you feel better if you want?" He asked, genuinely stopping moving hid hands against my ribs to express that he would stop if I wanted. 

I was desperate, my dick throbbing, begging for Nicholas to do something.

"That would be great." I responded, not exactly sure how I was supposed to respond. The first few times doing something like this with Nicholas would be awkward. 

He leaned in close to my ear. His lips locked against my upper jaw, sucking on the skin. He continuously moved His lips across my neck as if he were searching for something. 

Suddenly, he found a spot that made me arch my back and gasp in, whimpering as he settled on sucking at it. 

"Ah~ that feels better than beating you in Mario Kart." Quite the line for me to moan out prior to having my dick messed with, but hey it did get him to move up and messily kiss me.

"You brag about that even when I'm in bed with you." He said once our lips just barely parted. I couldn’t help but smile, of course I couldn’t resist bragging about one of my few accomplishments.

“Nevertheless, I think instead of bragging you should be preparing to keep your mouth shut. That is, unless you want Shawn to be cross in the morning.” Ah, right. I had forgotten to acknowledge that our two friends were both sleeping like babies on the floor, Shawn specifically known to be a very light sleeper.

I kept that bit of knowledge pressed into my brain as best I could while Nicholas began to run his hand down to the rim of my pants. The feeling was oddly cold, sensual, and of course it made me extremely sensitive, ongoingly so as each moment progressed.

At some point he finally gripped onto my length, probably getting his hand drenched in precum during the process. Luckily, with his hand moist, it slid up and down with ease. I brought my hand over my mouth, staring down at the covers with my blurry vision. 

The covers soon shifted and I watched as Nicholas repositioned both our bodies. My knees were brought up so that my legs were spread out, and he moved so that he was on all fours with his face extremely close to my dick. 

“What are you-” I shut myself up, quickly whipping my other hand over my mouth and arching backwards. Nicholas knelt his head, taking in my length and sucking on it. 

I was whimpering and moaning into my hand while his tongue worked wonders. I never thought he would actually go down on me, but damn did it feel good for him to finally do so. 

The chills it sent through my body were undeniably amazing. He brought his head down further, taking at least five inches down. I pushed my head back into the pillow, keeping one eye open to watch him while squinting the other closed uncontrollably. 

Both of us paused for a moment when we heard the click of the bathroom door, clearly someone was up. With the lights off there was no way to see us and even if they noticed our odd position I doubted that whoever it was would be able to tell what was happening. 

Part of me wished that I could see better. Nicholas going down on me was something I thought would permanently reside only in my wet dreams. If I was able to see him better I might have been turned on way more. 

Precum was oozing down my dick, dripping off of Nick’s chin as he continued to blow me. I was nearing my limit, feeling that familiar pulsating feeling of an oncoming orgasm. 

“Nick-” I whispered, trying my best to keep quiet. I breathed out, feeling that heavenly sense of release plummeting out. He kept moving, helping me ride out that orgasm, his cheeks and chin dripping with my release, most of which he had swallowed.

He pulled back, panting heavily as I was. The bedsheets were a mess and my thighs were no exception. I’d definitely owe him doing a round of laundry. 

Then, the bathroom door opened back up, but unlike when the person walked in, the light was on and they could very well see us. Shawn was standing in the doorway deadpanned. 

I quickly reacted, yanking the covers over my body, suffocating Nicholas in the process. 

“Jesus christ! Have some decency you two!” Shawn snapped, creating a barrier for his eyes with his hand. I was struggling to slide my boxers back on as Nicholas tried to maneuver out from between my legs and out from under the covers.

“I’m glad you two are together but for fuck’s sake!”

I couldn’t retort a word Shawn said, chagrin rightfully taking its place. Nicholas and I were more than just in the wrong, it was rightfully disgusting for Shawn to have seen it. 

Once Nicholas had freed himself from the restraints of the sheets I hugged onto him for dear life, though Shawn had already laid down with his back turned to us. 

“Hey, Mark, it's okay. Are you feeling better?” He asked, rubbing his hand against my shoulder while I cowered away in his embrace. My only response was a shy nod, barely noticeable if he hadn’t felt me move. He scruffed up my hair a bit, parting the cerulean blue strands so that he could kiss me on the cheek.

Just that small little kiss made my heart beat faster than when we were doing all that sexual stuff. It just made my whole being feel much more mellow. Honestly, it was odd. I just wanted to move towards warmth as much as I could.

Post nut regret sure slapped me in the face, silently causing me to oath to not let this become a regular thing. Cuddling and kissing Nicholas was really all that I needed. To me he was just the most amazing and perfect guy to ever exist. 

Pressed into the warmth of his chest while he lovingly held me, how could I think anything else? I couldn’t control it, that was, the resolute exhaustion. I couldn’t keep my eyes open even if I tried. So after taking one final yawn, I lost consciousness. 

Daylight came as soon as I had fallen asleep it seemed. My exhaustion was still there, but it had morphed into the common morning desire to remain asleep. In our sleep, Nicholas had shifted over onto his side, back to me. I was still gripping onto him, so I supposed that we were just spooning with extra steps.

Since it was morning, I decided to run my hand through Nicholas’ hair. Each strand fell comfortably between my fingers. Some were so jumbled together that they resembled the appearance of a wire. 

I felt as if I desperately needed a mint, obviously knowing morning breath wouldn’t just go away because I slept well. My hand slid against his hair as I cuddled closer, he was just so soft and warm. 

Just being close to him while he kept sleeping was somehow fulfilling. Though, with the sun on my back and lighting up the room, if anyone did look over it would be very clear that I was cuddling half dressed with Nicholas. 

First of all this was far from the romantic wake up. On top of morning breath, there was dried cum all over me, and I desperately needed a change of clothing the moment I was done spooningNicholas.. 

I think that at that moment in time I was in a complete state of peace. I finally landed myself in a relationship with Nicholas, and was truely with him. What such a serene state of mind neglected to acknowledge was the impending threats that came with this relationship.

My dad wasn’t exactly the best when it came to acceptance and neither was my brother. If I was outed for being gay at school then Nicholas and I would be shot as some form of sick execution. That was what I was overlooking, and how stupid was that of me. This whole town was homophobic, and I was now almost at the same risk as Shawn was, and he quite literally wore rainbows.

As I continued to fidget around with Nicholas’ hair, this was all kept far from my train of thought, and said train wouldn’t dock at that station until about sixty minutes after its expected time. 

Nicholas turned over to face me, phone in hand just to surprise me. I hadn’t known that he was awake, and to say the least, I was surprised. My arms shot back into my chest as I felt heat begin to burn at my cheeks. 

“Morning Marky.” He cooed, cupping his hand around my cheek. My grin was probably straining my face at this point, though it was one mixed with mostly being flustered and otherwise being just plain inopportune. 

Shawn instantly put an end to the scene. 

“Aaaand he’s up! Alright lovebirds I’m hungry. I’ll suffocate you both with my pillow if you don’t get up and come get food.” He announced, putting his foot down obstinately. There was no changing his mind, it was almost noon and he wanted lunch. 

He and Brooklyn were already dressed, Shawn in his usual black hoodie and headphones while Brooklyn wore a fluffy white vest over a pink turtleneck, just reminding me how fortunate girls were to have such fluffy clothing. 

Then again, I could totally pull off a fluffy pink jacket. As to whether or not my parents would kill me before I could leave everyone awe struck with my admirable style was debatable.

We all got dressed wasting no time. A pissed off Shawn was like a pissed off cat. He will bite and hiss if you so much as look in his direction. Some people found his stupid rage humorable, one of those people being me.

Nicholas was wearing a pink flannel shirt and some jeans, really tight jeans. He must have caught me staring as him because he quickly shot me a wink before scanning my body up and down. Unlike usual, I had decided to change things up, and by that I mean, not wear my space invaders jacket. 

I wore a dumb Homestuck shirt with the classic image of a record on it, and threw on my only normal jacket overtop the comic book referencing shirt. All I needed was to dye my hair blonde and throw on sunglasses and I’d be the perfect Dave Strider. Then again, I hated cosplay, so I’d probably just don the Strider shirt with nerdy pride and nothing else.

The four of us headed into the kitchen where the smell of fresh grilled cheese flowed throughout the home. Sure, Nicholas’ dad had a terrible addiction to alcohol, but he was a relatively good guy when sober and made the best food. 

We all hurried over to the wooden dining table, taking our seats while the cloud blocked sun shone through the frost fogged windows. It must have been freezing outside, and I began to wonder if maybe I should have dressed like a normal person instead of displaying my nerdiness through a reference nobody would get.

“So Shawn told me about what you two did.” Brooklyn quietly whispered, making sure Mr. Rivers couldn’t hear her. I leaned forward on the table, putting my face into my hands. I couldn’t believe Shawn had caught us doing something so intimate.

Nicholas put his arm around my waist giving off a very guilty grin. I looked over at Shawn who seemed to have been grumpy and hungry just moments before but was now rather reserved. 

Then I noticed his hands shaking as his eyes glanced through the text on his phone, each word seemed to burrow into his skin. His expression remained impassive but the way his movements shifted and hands trembled made the turn of his lip seem much more noticeable. 

He was dealing with a lot and I wasn't the only one picking up on his distress. Brooklyn put her hand on his arm while Nicholas and I both stood up. He glared at her and raised his shoulders. 

My boyfriend was the first to speak, acting as his dad ignored what was going on and set down a plate of grilled cheese sandwiches.

“Shawn, you can talk to us.” The topic of Nicholas and I was forgotten in a matter of seconds. It was evidently clear that Shawn despised the attention he was getting.

“Fuck off and don’t worry about it. I’m just texting my dad.” He was trying so hard to push us away. That was one of the things I couldn’t stand about Shawn. See, when our old friend was struggling, he’d confide in us for help although he was completely drained mentally and in a constant state of panic. Shawn just wanted to bathe in pain.

“Shawn are you okay?” I said. There was no way I couldn’t at least offer him a hand. He was my friend and I had learned the hard way that when nobody helps the mental state tends to only worsen. 

“I’m fine, go sit down.” Hostility was on his side, and he threw it around like a javelin. Nicholas and I both sat back down, leaving Shawn to himself, Brooklyn then doing the same. He did eat a grilled cheese, something I suddenly found myself hesitant to do.

I wanted to be good enough for Nicholas. Chandler wasn’t lying when he called me a fatass, and no matter how many times people tell me that isn’t true it just always slapped me in the face. My stomach was always just too big, and those words reminded me of that. 

“Hey Markus,” Nicholas began, my attention diverting from my sandwich. I had zoned out once the food was placed in front of me. 

“You’re cute and don’t forget to eat.” He knew, that look on his face just said it all. Worry, doubt, all of it were pushed through his smile. I shrugged, grabbing onto my sandwich and finally downing it.

God, it was delicious. It was one of those grilled cheese sandwiches that just melts in your mouth. As I ate, Brooklyn began to talk. 

“Are any of you going to the party? I really don’t want to go alone.” I stopped chewing, Shawn looked up from his phone. Nick glanced at her.

“We talked about this. We aren’t going.” Nicholas explained, putting a foot down right then and there. Unfortunately it seemed that Mr. Rivers had overheard the response.

“Nicholas, be a gentleman. Maybe if you go to the party you’ll actually get a girlfriend.” My boyfriend slid his hand onto my thigh, flipping it over as to ask for me to hold it. I quickly intertwined our fingers, the handholding hidden by the table’s shadow.

“Dad, people who hate me are going to be there. There’s probably only gonna be one other hot person there other than me. It's a waste of time.” Nicholas knew how to indirectly flirt with me in front of his father. 

"Nicholas Rivers, you will attend this party." His father demanded, The threat laying low in his voice sending a shiver down my spine. Mr. Rivers hadn't always been like this, but it still made me realize how lucky I was to have parents who weren't addicts or verbally abusive like Shawn's. 

Nicholas bit his lip, staying here almost entailed his dad getting mad, and he really didn’t want that. Though I knew Nick, He never went into detail about the abuse that happened within the walls of the small house. Something told me he didn’t like talking about it, after all, it was clear that school was much more of a safe place than his own home. 

“I’ll go.” He responded, shifting uncomfortably, though the only way I noticed was because his hand was moving as well, but still laid interlocked with mine. Feeling compelled to do so, I let my mouth move before my brain thought.

“Me too.” Those words would haunt me, and as Shawn reluctantly put his phone down and signed in on this stupid party idea, I watched as he nearly signed his own kill contract. This party wouldn’t only change our lives, but everyone else who dared to enter the home, and sitting there with grease on my hands and friends surrounding me, I didn’t bat an eye at such a possibility.

“Okay! All four of us will go. My mom can pick us up at five and take us there.” Yet another huge event, meeting Brooklyn’s mom. Sure, I knew that her mom and my mom had spoken before and even would go do mom stuff with other moms, but I hadn’t ever actually seen Brook’s mom, nor did I know much about her mother.

“Good because I can’t take you four. I have work.” Right, Nick’s dad didn’t have the most stable job with the most stable hours. 

So, for the next few hours we all played video games and talked. We joked around and even played yet another roleplay game in real life, except that time the plot was different. 

Knight Markus had to stop the mad scientist Shawn from experimenting on his stolen lover, Prince Nicholas. His only barrier between saving his lover was the evil vampire chick, Brooklyn who was supporting Shawn’s experiments and promised to guard his work in order to keep his experimentation secret.

Long story short, it was exceedingly dumb. Prince Nicholas rebelled against his captor and tried to flee but became a vampire when Brooklyn had tried to stop him. He still stays loyal to Markus and kills Brooklyn, but unable to resist his new blood thirsty trait, he bites Markus and they end up as gay vampire lovers forever.

Again, it sounded like some fanfiction written by a twelve year old, which wasn’t far past my mental capacity right there. I wavered right below the knowledge of a twelve-year-old fanfiction writer. 

Anyhow, with all of the mindless gobbledegook, time popped by in a matter of seconds, especially saying we woke up at noon. So, we all ended up laying on the living room floor at five pm. Shawn’s fake medical bottles laid sprawled next to him while my wooden sword was lodged underneath the couch.

“That was so dumb.” Shawn groaned, stating the obvious as I leaned up, snickering at the mess of hair that had been slapped onto Shawn’s head. The best way to state what he looked like is a messy paintbrush who tried to look presentable.

“Tch you’re just saying that because you lost this time.” Nicholas noted, putting his arm around my shoulder and smiling. Brooklyn also sat up, quickly fixing her hair by pulling it back into that loose wavy hold she almost always wore it in. 

“My mom should be here any second.” I noticed the giddy excitement spread across her face. Either she was excited for the party or her mother to meet us. 

**Brooklyn's POV**  
To be honest, zest was practically pumping through me when the boys all agreed to go to the party with me. Now, my mother hadn’t met any of them, but I was sure that she had overwhelmingly positive feelings towards them. Of course, the topic of whatever complicity was happening between Markus and Nicholas wouldn’t be brought up, though if my mom did find out then it would remain surreptitious. 

Mr. Rivers had walked in on our little roleplay game and just told Markus to be careful with the sword, otherwise thinking it was normal. Oh, the things they must have gotten up to before I was their friend. 

Once my mother sent me the text to get outside, I quickly spoke up to the boys who were just making small talk between each other, Shawn actually in a pleasant mood for once.

“My mom’s here.” Everyone hopped off the floor at that notice, pushing all of the roleplay props into a corner. Nicholas energetically grabbed onto Markus’ hand, yanking him to the door. There was no way their relationship would stay a secret for more than a week. 

Shawn just pulled his headphones around his neck and stuffed his hands into his pockets. He didn’t look too depressing, just relatively silent. We soon greeted the cold. Nicholas taking his scarf and wrapping it around both him and Markus, though it was evidently clear it wasn’t too comfortable to be so mushed together. I suppose it was the thought that counts. 

We all continued on our path down the road, my mom hopping out of our car to greet everyone. The second she did that, panic snapped over the three. Markus wriggled out of Nicholas’ scarf and Shawn’s hand slapped up over his pins. My mom’s shoulders fell just a bit and mine did the same. 

They were all trying to impress her, possibly hoping that my mother wouldn’t scold them. Little did they know, my mother was the queen of being an accepting and kind woman. First she locked in on Nicholas and Markus, clearly saving Shawn for later on purpose. She knew more about Shawn than I did, and that meant that she probably wanted to give him a special little boost to his self confidence.

“You must be Nicholas and this is your boyfriend Markus?” She was quite blunt with that observation. Judgement didn’t seem to even phase through her expression. Still, Markus instantly tensed up. I nearly facepalmed at how straightforward my mother was being.

“Yes ma’am but-” My mom didn’t even let him finish that statement.

“Cute, Brooklyn’s told me a lot about the two of you.” Right then it hit Nicholas and Markus that she purposefully wasn’t allowing Nicholas to deny that claim. She knew at the very least they were crushing on each other, and didn’t display a problem with it. 

I watched as Markus confidently grabbed onto his boyfriend’s hand and replied.

“Yup, it’s nice to meet you!” He seemed more than thrilled that my mom looked at their hands and didn’t bat an eye. My mom opened the door to the back seat and let them crawl in. 

Once Nicholas and Markus had exited the scene Shawn stole it, though unintentionally as he tried to slip into the car. My mom stood in his way, then taking his hand and lowering it off the pin decorated part of his headphones. 

“Show some pride.” She said with a grin as Shawn nervously raised his shoulders. 

“I-I don’t-” Acceptance was something that Shawn hadn’t really ever seen from an adult and it seemed to leave him in a state of awe. The warmth that took over his body was enough to make me smile, his eyes sparkling with an almost puerile joy. He still didn’t smile, but damn was happiness coursing through his veins. 

“It’s nice to meet you, Shawn. I’ve heard great things about you.” Her acceptance meant the world to him. His parents regularly scolded him for his sexuality and deep down that must have destroyed him. 

I felt bad for Shawn, I really did. I was so lucky to have such a loving mother who would accept me no matter what preferences I had (As long as they were legal).

We all hopped in the car, all of us talking about video games and various stories. My mother didn’t barge in much except for when she heard something occasionally concerning. Though, she would only just look back at whoever had said it and then focus back on the road. 

Next thing I knew, the four of us stood in front of a house somewhere lodged in the woods. My mother had left and the four of us blankly stared at the facade of the large house. Music blasted, and the strong smell of alcohol and weed flowed out the open door. 

“Ugh, I smell alcohol.” Nicholas complained as we made our way into the LED lit house, the dirty swear word filled music shaking the floor as a hoard of teenagers grinded and danced in the living room and loft. The dark wallpaper and expensive decorations of the house clearly signifies that Iris’ parents were not home. Nobody in their right mind would allow their child to do this.

“It's loud.” Shawn mumbled, crossing his arms and scrolling through various posts on Tumblr. The bright light of his phone shining onto his face, lighting the pale skin.

“Yeah- Nicholas wanna go get food?” Mark asked, huddling close to his boyfriend as he examined the glamorous decor of the forest hidden home. He seemed to be intrigued by how wealthy Iris was, and how entitled the drama queen was.

Nicholas nodded, offering for Shawn to tag along. Surprisingly, the curly haired teen nodded, slipping his phone into his hoodie’s pocket and following the gamer and actor.

I was glad they were going off to have fun, I had business here. My goal was set in my mind, not faltering in any way. I had to find Louis. At this party, there were drugs, sex, and alcohol all over the place. Phones were out, photos were being taken and nothing was private. 

If you wanted to do something without being caught you had to head to the second floor. If Louis was being abused by Chandler, or arguing with his abusive boyfriend they would be upstairs. If Louis was having fun and drunk with his friends, he would be downstairs.

I nearly threw up when I decided to move upstairs, the smell of alcohol reaked, churning my stomach. No doubt, behind closed doors some kids were doing lines of drugs or sex. I kept continuing down the bright hallway, turning through the thick labyrinth of paths. 

Then, I saw it, what I had expected to see. The abuse I witnessed at Louis’ house wasn’t a one time incident. Chandler was bound to mess up because he was drunk, and sure enough in the middle of the austere area, Chandler had Louis in a very toxic situation.

Louis’ wrist was being violently tugged by Chandler as he fought to get Louis pinned against the wall. 

“Just fucking kill yourself!” God, the slur in Chandler’s voice made it blatantly obvious that he was indispensably intoxicated. Louis looked sober and on the verge of tears. He was in pain.

“You’re such a worthless piece of shit. Fucking mistake.” He snapped, yanking on Louis, finally snapping the guy from his balance. Louis’ knees buckled back as he tripped down, hands smacking down on the floor. 

Louis cried out, unable to free his hand from his abuser’s grip.

“Chandler please stop-”

I couldn’t watch, all I wanted to do was talk to Louis, but when it came down to it I had to confront drunk Chandler if I wanted that. Sober Chandler wouldn’t hurt me, but I wasn’t going to risk a fight with drunk Chandler. So, like a coward, I ran away, fleeing back to the main loft where all the kids were.

I had run so fast that I swore the swift breeze from me running had caused me to become more cold than hot. A cold sweat was running down my spine as I pushed my back against the door frame next to the concessions table.

My thoughts were racing, sure Chandler wasn’t sexually abusing Louis- yet. I didn’t think he would ever stoop that low, as so many toxic relationships did. Just hearing what he was saying to Louis hurt, like a dagger to the neck. Chandler was his boyfriend, he was supposed to love him. Yet, he was telling Louis to kill himself. 

I decided to distract myself from the horror scene I had witnessed, passing a glance over to Nicholas, Markus, and Shawn.

Oh dear god.

The only sober one was Shawn, or at least I hoped that to be the case. He did have a lit roll of weed in his hand, but he didn’t look high yet, actually staring at Markus and Nicholas as if whatever they were going to do would result in whether or not he got high.

Markus wasn’t sober, there was no possible way. His posture was uneven and in his hand was a red cup half full with the spiked punch. I doubted that he had wanted to get drunk off of it, rather innocently downing it with Nicholas and ignoring the odd taste.

“Nick~” He slurred, pushing his hand against his boyfriend’s side. Nicholas wasn’t as drunk, but his face was flushed- to the degree that he was definitely at least tipsy. Markus pressed his body against his boyfriend’s, leaning up and licking Nicholas’ neck. 

Nick bit his lip, pushing his hand against the window sill. Shawn quickly took another hit of his weed, clearly having a relatively high tolerance to the stuff. He wasn’t looking to get too stoned, but damn did watching Markus and Nicholas make him want to get completely wasted. 

The couple started making out just feet away from Shawn, Markus taking the dominant role as he grinded into Nicholas. His lips pressed against his boyfriend’s as he let his hand wander downwards.

Then, something happened. It was the reason that Chandler took to privacy to abuse Louis. The familiar cackles of valley girls riled up as Elizabeth, Helen, and Iris made their way over to the concessions. 

Shawn took yet another hit of weed as he watched this scene unfold. Luckily, before noticing the mess of gay happening over by the window, the girls noticed me.

“Brooklyn!” Helen greeted, smiling wildly as she walked over to me. All three girls were in crop tops and obnoxiously short skirts.

“How’s the party? I already got Alexander’s ass wasted. I’m now looking for drama to spread.” Iris admitted, having no shame in her egocentric ideals. There was a ton of drama right behind her, and I was doing my best to divert her attention. 

Elizabeth was too focused on her phone to dare talk to me, probably posting things to social media in order to spread whatever pitiful drama she had picked up on. When she looked up from her phone, she was the first to notice Markus and Nicholas. 

The other two girls were just chatting with me until Elizabeth whipped out her phone.

“Oh my god look! Chandler will kill to know about these faggots!” She threw the slur out like it was all fine and dandy. People committed suicide over that one word. The reality hadn’t hit me about this situation.

Markus and Nicholas wouldn’t ever be able to come out when they were ready. The second that Elizabeth snapped a photo of them, that fate was sealed. God knows what this would do to those two boys. 

“Get a room you two!” Iris snapped as Elizabeth quickly posted whichever photos she got to every social media she had. Markus yanked away from Nicholas and cocked his head to the side. 

“What?” He couldn’t even stand up on his own, the poor guy was wasted. I quickly stood up to get a better view of this almost imbecilic scene. 

“She basically said go tongue fuck your boyfriend somewhere else.” Shawn said, joint of weed held in between his two fingers. I quickly stepped up to Markus. 

“Markus, if you’re going to make out or have sex with Nicholas go do it in a closet or something.” I calmly explained, my nose scrunching up at just how much he reeked of alcohol.

“Brookyln I can’t fucking do that. I-I’m a virgin.” He whispered like that was any form of surprise. I was pretty sure he hadn’t taken it up the ass from Nicholas yet. He leaned onto me, pushing a lot of his weight onto me.

“V-virgins can’t they can’t have sex-” He giggled. “so I can’t have sex with Nicho- Nicholas.” Crying then ensued. Apparently he couldn’t have sex because he was a virgin, the logic made me lose just a little more faith in humanity. He pivoted around and rushed over to Nicholas, hiding in his embrace.

“Oh jeez just let him sit down. He’s a goner. He’ll pass out and wake up sober in about an hour. I doubt he drank much.” Helen said as Markus went back to crying except talking to Nicholas who was still pretty sober in comparison to his boyfriend.

I noticed something about Nick. The way his hands were shaking and the cup that he'd violently thrown into the garbage can just striked me as odd. Then it hit me. Nicholas' dad had an addiction to alcohol. 

I didn't know much about the actor's past but something lead to his parents divorce whether it was his father's addiction or not alcohol had a crushing effect on Nicholas' life. He really didn't know that punch was spiked.

Markus passed out in Nicholas' arms, the pair sitting down on the floor as I watched on. He evidently detested seeing his boyfriend like this. 

"I'm surprised they are actually fucking." Elizabeth snickered as if their relationship was some predictable joke.

"Are you really? The whole group is made of faggots." Iris remarked, once again using that terrible slur. 

"Stop, I don't like hearing that word." Shawn snapped, wincing as he burnt out his joint on his arm, burning himself. 

"Haha, emo boy doesn't like hearing just what he is, a fag." Iris was known for being a cruel girl, but saying that to the kid who was regularly put down for his sexuality was just beyond her usual torment. Elizabeth then added on, snickering.

"Yeah, what you gonna do about it? Cut yourself?" ” I noticed both Nicholas and Shawn’s expressions darken as the two girls laughed. Neither Helen nor I found their jokes to be funny. 

“Maybe I will.” Shawn said, leaning back against that wall and playing with the edge of his gloves. 

“It was just a joke.” Iris bitterly added on, her disgusted scowl sickening to look at. I watched as Shawn just rolled his eyes, sinking down to the floor. He put his head down on his knees, disassociating himself from everyone around him. 

From then on the only feeling about this party I would have would be pure revolting regret.

Louis burst into the room, running as fast as he could. His face was sweaty and eyes watery. He dashed past me, scanning across the room desperately. The pure dread that had deluged over his pale skin was extremely blood chilling. 

Chandler soon followed, erupting into the room, his side knocking into anyone who dared to stand in his way. His fists were clenched and his face lay drenched in sweat. I watched as he wrenched his arm forward and yanked Louis by the back of his shirt, tugging him backwards and choking him.

To everyone’s surprise, Shawn jumped to his feet and stood up, staring at Louis and Chandler and immediately taking action. He walked over and pushed Chandler back, standing between the two boys.

“Hey, lets knock it off. You two are making a scene.” He said, my eyes only looking to the bloody burn on his wrist for a moment, then focusing more on Louis and Chandler. Chandler didn’t seem as drunk as he had been a while before the incident but he wasn’t sober.

Shawn looked at Chandler and calmly motioned to a nearby otoman.

“You should take a seat.” The advice was not taken with any leeway, a scowl snapping onto Chandler’s face, ever permanent grimace somehow becoming even crueler. 

He shoved Shawn and proceeded to say some gut wrenching things.

“Another fucking dissapointment getting in my way. Fucking faggot trying to boss me around because his parents beat him at home so he wants to be in charge for once. Hate to break it to you, but you’re just more of a fucking disgrace. Everyone, even your dumbass friends, is smart enough to know you aren’t worth their time. Hell, you should’ve jumped onto your neck! It would give everyone one less problem to deal with.” Shawn stood there, expressionless. He didn’t seem to know how to react to that. His arms lay limp at his sides as he continued to breathe, still standing between the two. I supposed his mental crash didn’t aid him when the battle became physical. 

Chandler slapped him across the face, then shoved him downwards. Mind you, only a day prior had Shawn gotten the okay to stop using his crutches and was still in a boot. He slapped down onto his knees, wincing in pain as reality snapped back in. 

“Hah- on your knees. The perfect height for doing the only damn thing you’re worth.” Shawn bit his lip, attempting to stand up only to get kicked in the face, losing his glasses which were now broken at the temples. The bifocal and lenses still remained intact. Blood was oozing from Shawn’s lip, yet the beating continued. Chandler kicked him in the side and stomach before finally lapsing his attention back to his abused and petrified boyfriend.

Louis was so scared that he scared helplessly, nearly giving up as his hands shook by his sides. Tears were welling up and his cheeks were soon to be stained.

Helen was the next to talk. 

“Chandler, Louis, is everything okay between you two?” She was the most reasonable of the girls, and honestly the most human. Sure as hell nobody else would have the balls to question Chandler after seeing him beat the hell out of Shawn and nearly choke Louis. 

Chandler put his arm around Louis, almost in a friendly motion except for the fact that if he dared to bend it more then it would choke him. It was a hidden display of his power over Louis, his partner simply terrified and nothing else. He couldn’t break down. He was trapped, and I was the only one who saw it because nobody else had witnessed it, at least, that I knew of.

I still wanted to talk with Louis about the abuse. He was near his breaking point, and his options were limited, most standing in a strongly negative light. As Chandler began to lure Louis off, taking him once more into isolation, I decided to finally take some action.

If Chandler did something then I would run back and grab someone, anyone to come and witness what the hell was really going on.


	17. Take Your Answers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Drugs and Rape

Warning

 **Drugs and Rape**  
I had decided to wait before pursuing Louis and Chandler, after all, the three girls seemed adamant on chatting away with me. Nobody had turned to help Shawn, or even comforted him, and too caught up with Chandler and Louis I had failed to notice this. 

Everyone just left him bleeding out. Nicholas and Markus were both too out of it to help him, but I doubt that during that time he even cared. The point was that after being ruthlessly beaten for trying to help someone, nobody helped him stand up or find his glasses. Nobody gave him a tissue for his bloody lip, and an icepack was never thrown to calm the lesions.

Despite Shawn, time passed. He simply curled up alone once more as I talked with the three girls. Helen was the most tolerable, and being the closeted lesbian of the group I assumed that was why. Okay, that was just a guess of mine, but she definitely couldn’t have been straight.

An hour passed, and I knew that it was due time for me to find Louis. I managed to slip away from the girls and out into the hallway. The bright lights from the loft still echoed throughout the darker parts of the house, and the music beat through the hallways. 

I found my headache starting to stop throbbing as I finally got up the stairs and past a few doors. Finding them would be a challenge but at least music wasn’t giving me permanent hearing damage. I kept peeking behind doors only for them to be locked or to be yelled at before I even saw in.

Finally I came to a door that was cracked open, and I heard none other than Chandler’s voice from behind the mahogany blockade.

“Strip Louis.” It was a cold demand, pushed forward with an impatient anger. 

“I’m not doing that! We aren’t having sex here. I don’t feel like it!” Louis snapped back, his voice a stiff whisper. He took in a breath.

“Later, okay.” His compromise was made calmly almost as if he were taking an actually mature stance. He wasn’t even fifteen yet, but he had to tell his abuser to stop before he was in a potentially dangerous situation. Maybe Louis did some shitty things, but nobody deserved to go through what he was going through.

“Fuck you Louis! Get on your goddamn knees or else I’ll force you.” Chandler snapped. I peered into the room, watching as he grabbed Louis by the back of his neck, holding him forward.

Louis quickly retorted, trying to wrench out of his grip.

“Let me go- I said no.” Chandler instead pushed Louis to the bed, ignoring his plea. His hands quickly worked to undress his victim.

Now, dear Reader, I do not want to describe the scene that then unfolded. Just listening to what was beginning to unfold made me sink to my feet, heart throbbing and tears welling up in my eyes. Louis didn’t deserve this. He didn’t.

I clutched onto my forehead, attempting to compose myself. My body was drenched in sweat as I began to rise back to my feet, shaking as the scene continued to unfold. Louis’ muffled screams anguished and strained.

Leaving him to be beaten twice had been a mistake, but there was no way I was going to let him be sexually assaulted. I instantly took action, pushing off the wall and dashing away from the room.

Each step against the oak floor boards my combat boots landed was another step closer to getting help. My actions were frantic as I burst back into the loft, now seeing Nicholas and Markus both awake and mostly sober, Shawn standing a few feet away from them. 

Helen, Iris, and Elizabeth all noticed me and quickly rushed over. Helen was the first one to hop into my field of vision.

“Brooklyn! Are you okay?” She asked, placing her hands on my upper arms and nervously looking up at me with her dark umber eyes. 

“Yeah, but somethings going on with Chandler and Louis. We might need Felix or Alexander.” My explanation was chalked full of gasps for breath, but the point got across and the three girls spread out looking for the two athletes. 

By this point Markus, Nicholas, and Shawn had noticed what was going on and quickly approached me once the girls had left. Markus seemed a bit tipsy but Nicholas seemed completely sober along with Shawn. He took the lead, still holding onto his boyfriend’s hand.

“What’s wrong?” He questioned, scanning my body up and down as if he were looking for injuries of any sort. Once more I breathlessly responded.

“Louis is being assaulted by his so-called boyfriend and I need help- I can’t stop him by myself.” Shawn instantly was paying attention, perhaps I was seeing that bit of him that was from before February. The part of him that was Louis’ friend.

He quickly slammed his phone into his pocket and advanced the conversation before Nicholas could even part his lips. 

“Where?” He was being dead serious, that impassive look shifting to a much more arduous frown. 

“Upstairs, second floor, door on the right cracked open.” And with that short description Shawn took off faster than any kid in a boot ever should. He was literally just now off his crutches and seemed resolute in bolting right up those stairs. 

Of course, we all followed, running up the stairs as fast as we could in an attempt to catch up to Shawn. There was no way in hell he would be able to take down one of the strongest guys in our grade. He was barely five foot three and Chandler must have been six feet tall.

“He can’t fight Chandler.” Markus said, pushing up past me as Nicholas quickly rounded the corner at the begining of the hallway. The crimson wallpaper was blurry because of how fast I was running, yet we were all still significiantly behind Shawn.

When the three of us actually managed to round the corner and peer into the bedroom, we were all astonished by the pure impracticabillity of the scene. 

Louis was shaking, staring down at what was going on. He was very clearly not dressed, but hid himself underneath the covers of the bed. As for Chandler, he had been knocked to the floor and was bleeding from the nose. None other than Shawn was pinning the abuser down. It was more than clear that Chandler had been punched in the face by the black haired teen. Shawn’s fist even had blood running down it, and from wiping his face, Chandler’s blood was on his cheek. 

The pure shock hit us, leaving us immobile for a moment. Shawn hadn’t gone ballistic but he sure as hell smacked the daylight out of Chandler. Of course, reality caught up, and Shawn was thrown off of Chandler, smacking into the wall. Louis screeched and I watched as Markus covered his eyes. 

When Shawn sat back up he was only kicked back in the side, but this time towards the door. His hand cut against the floor as he tried to crawl back up to his feet, and thats when the horror hit us all. Shawn’s glasses had been split at the center and one lens had completely shattered while the other only cracked. The shards of glass had fallen and badly cut his cheek.

Blood pulsated down his cheek, mixing with the smear of Chandler’s dried sanguine claret.

“I-I can’t see. Am I bleeding?” Shawn squeaked out as Markus quickly genuflected, then outstretching a hand to his injured friend. Shawn was bleeding all over his face, but the shattered glasses had to have been the worst part. 

“Oh my god, Shawn here-” Markus took off his jacket, revealing a massacre of his arms. Louis looked like his heart had been ripped apart at the sight, while I just looked on in horror, staring mostly at all the self-harm cuts on the gamer’s arms. 

Shawn’s reaction was the most heartbreaking. It was very clear that he could see Mark’s lacerations, even without his glasses. As Markus wiped Shawn’s face clear of glass and blood, the beaten of the two began to quietly cry while looking at Mark’s arms. Shawn kept his glasses on, even though they were split and one lense was shattered. He could at least sort of see from his left eye.

“I’m sorry Markus.” He whimpered as the blue haired gamer swung his jacket back on. Markus shrugged, clasping onto Shawn’s hand and tugging him up to his feet before refocusing on the problem at hand. 

With the time Shawn bought, Louis had managed to redress himself and stand up and out of the bed, the trauma clearly getting to him, but he also just saw his abuser get beaten up by a five foot tall underweight gamer.

“F-fuck you, Chandler. I’m done.” We urged him on, Unlike earlier there were now three of us, and Nicholas was actually in shape and rather tall, plus Markus and I could both easily aid if needed. Shawn was out of play, basically blind. 

“Hell no you aren’t! Louis you fucked up my life. You’ll fucking pay the price you dumb faggot.” Chandler growled, gripping onto Louis’ shoulder. The shorter of the two broke free, staring up at Chandler.

“We are over. You’re demented. Get some help.” He was relatively calm, although the trembling of his hands and shake in his breath told me that he only had the confidence to do this because he had four idiots backing him up.

“I’m not demented. You’re just fucking retarded and can’t listen to save your damn life, not that its worth much.” God, he acted as if he was winning in this argument. Each facet of those cold diamond eyes gleaming with confidence. 

Louis quickly responded to that, ire sewn into the thread of his reasoning.

“I’m not stupid! You just raped me! I fucking told you to stop, but did you? No! You should be arrested!” He screamed, slamming his foot down on the floor. His fists were balled up.

“You bitch! I didn’t fucking rape you. You’re my boyfriend I do what I want! If anyone you should be locked up in a padded cell.” Chandler remarked, blood running down his lip. Something in Louis clicked, and he spilled out everything. All my questions were answered in the next minute.

“I should be in a padded cell!? You murdered someone!” He screamed, getting dangerously close to Chandler as he screamed. My heart sank, surely it was a figure of speech.

A blatant lie was then told, illustrated with the first bit of awkwardness that I had ever seen from Chandler.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Louis’ face was red at this point, his messy blonde hair pushed out of his face as he stared Chandler dead in the eye.

“No, we both know you did it on purpose! You had it all laid out like all of your other sadistic plans!” He yelled, his voiced raised to the point that I was sure the music was overrun by the pure sound of his tone.  
“You purposefully harassed Matthew into his suicide!” And the room died. The silence was potent, until I heard Shawn drop, slapping his hand against the door frame and kneeling down, in a state of complete hyperventilation. He wasn’t breathing right, nor was he even able to stand. Hysteria was such a scary thing to witness.

“You had it planned out from day one. You’d make his whole life a living hell. You’d take away everything he loved.” Louis continued, staring down at the ground.

“You outed him for being gay to his homophobic father. You ruined his friendships. You beat him down at school. Finally, you used me to ruin his love life.” The watery tears running down Louis’ cheeks weren’t hidden. Chandler’s glare remained more bitter than black coffee. 

“You broke him down until he jumped from his roof! You made him hate himself. He was barely even fourteen years old and now he’s dead.” There was a pause before Louis finally continued.

“You wanted him dead and you killed him in the worst way possible. Now he’s gone and everyone here has to deal with it. Everyone here has to deal with the fact that they couldn’t save him from you. They couldn’t save him from himself.” That ended Louis’ lecture. The room was silent, only the music from downstairs managing to soak through the walls.

On February 23, 2015 Matthew Hayes took his own life. 

It wasn’t a surprise. I had known it, but I really didn’t want it to be true. I had purposefully been ignoring the possibility in hopes that it wouldn’t ever become a reality. A fourteen year old boy was intentionally lead to suicide beacause of one kid’s sadistic upbringing and mentality. 

“You killed my boyfriend.” Shawn whimpered, his hand sliding down the door frame. Part of me felt the relief in his voice, the, it wasn’t all my fault. But that emotion was clearly backed up with one of the most churned up anger that had been held back for years. 

“He didn’t even get to graduate middle school!” He cried, snapping his hand against the door frame. I watched as it cut into the metal strike’s lip. Markus quickly dove in, grabbing Shawn’s wrist, Nicholas holding back the other. It had cut through Shawn’s glove, slitting into his burnt skin.

“And you wanted him to die? It was all fucking planned!? What the actual fuck!” He yelled, attempting to free himself from Mark and Nick’s grips. He freed himself from Nicholas, but having gloved hands, Markus was able to keep a better grip.

“His suicide was your fault! You knew damn well what you were doing. He meant so much to me and now he’s burried in a grave!” Shawn was screaming at this point. Markus struggling to keep a hold. 

“Do you know how fucking hard it was to go to his wake? Weeks before I was kissing him and laughing with him, next he’s in a casket! He was fourteen!” He was in tears, all that pent up emotion finally spilling out in a mess of fighting.

Chandler walked over, standing about three feet away from us.

“Shawn, stop complaining about something that’s your fault. If you had loved him he would be alive. You failed him, and now you’re trying to put that on me. How mature. If anything, Mat is pissed off at you for not giving enough shits about him. He was so fucking depressed that he committed suicide. If you had helped he would have been alive, but you failed him.” There was a pause, Louis standing just as broken as everyone else was. Chandler then continued, like he had the rest of the day, further beating Shawn’s mental health to a pulp.

“He hates you. Probably more than your parents do. You only fuck things up, Shawn. Just face the truth.” 

Shawn wasn’t struggling anymore, he didn’t talk, and his indigo eyes were hushed down to a deep royal azure. Louis burst out of the room, once more trying to flee and Chandler pursuing him. He had to get home, or at least somewhere where Chandler couldn’t snap his neck.

The two blondes had exited the scene, now going to solve their relationship issues. Now it was the four of us.

“I wh- he planned it. Shawn it- don’t blame yourself.” Markus tried to say, though the pale hue of his cheeks clearly alluded to his own emotional instability over the situation. Nicholas seemed to be barely able to suck in breath properly, blankly staring down at the floor. 

“Shut up Mark.” Shawn hissed, finally snapping Nicholas back into the horrific reality that was still pressing forwards.

“We are all suffering because of what happened to Matthew. Shawn just talk to us.” He pleaded, running his hand through his black hair. I just kept staring at them. Of course, Shawn was struggling the most. Matthew was his boyfriend.

“No, just…” Shawn took in a deep breath before looking at me, and for the first time smiled, but it wasn’t genuine in the slightest. It was the most exhausted, depressed, and feigned attempt at a smile I had ever seen. 

“Congrats Brook, you’ve solved your mystery. At least you’re happy about something. Here's the final evidence you need, share it with Mark and Nick when you want.” He sounded like he did that day after he fell from the roof. His voice was painfully depressed, but most of all, it was glazed with that pungent sarcasm. 

I watched as he reached into his pocket and pulled out three different sheets of paper. One was written on a ripped out page of a journal, stars scribbled in the margins. Another was poorly written out on a sheet of notebook paper, covered in stains and what looked to be dried blood. The last one was new, written out on another sheet of notebook paper.

With that he left, taking his leave from the party for good. He didn’t have one ounce of fun, and Markus and Nicholas both seemed to be deflated. The blue haired pulled out his phone, clicking on the screen. I watched as his expressions faded from worn out to horrified to finally a homeostasis with his complete wave of overall stress and regret.

Nicholas turned on his phone as well, opening what i presumed to be his messages, instantly dropping his device. I knew that they had been outed, and they now had to deal with that consequence.

Nicholas and Markus had to deal with the homophobia and hatred directed towards them and their families.

Louis had to finally free himself from the mess that is Chandler’s abuse.

Shawn left to go back home.

I had his three special notes.


	18. Break Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis is fed up with Chandler's bullshit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of rape and abuse

**Louis' POV**

I shouldn’t have started a fight with Chandler. What I should have done was let him have his way with me, maybe then I wouldn’t be desperately running for the door to get my ass out of this hell hole. My body being used for his sick sexual pleasure wasn’t fun, if anything it made me want to scrape my own skin off. I was disgusted with myself for some unacknowledged reason.

I narrowly avoided getting splinters as my hand slid off the wooden railing on the stairs. The heel of my shoe was stepped on as Chandler pushed me down, causing me to stumble over that last step. Bile rose up to my mouth as he pushed his foot down onto my abdomen, keeping me down on the floor.

Neglecting the fact that I had a reputation to uphold, I screamed bloody murder for someone to help me. People from the loft, quickly looking outside of the room to see what all the fuss was about. 

Alexander and Felix rushed out into the hallway as if they had been waiting for something to happen. At the time, I was unaware that Brooklyn had previously been looking for them. 

“Chandler, man back off. Chill-” Felix said, trying to resolve the issue without any display of violence. After all, Chandler was his friend. He didn’t want to fight, at least, not if he didn’t have to.

“Fuck off! He’s my boyfriend, I do what I want!” My stomach ached as he continued to pile pressure onto me, causing me to squirm involuntarily.

“Yeah, you ever heard of domestic abuse? That’s illegal.” Alexander added on,then walking over and pushing Chandler so that his foot raised off of me. I scrambled to my feet, desperately slapping my hands to the floor and pressing myself up off of the ground. 

I was sleep deprived and wasn’t sure how much of a beating my body could withstand before giving in. Everything hurt, some areas more than others, but that was a given. Now don’t get me wrong, I was depressed, not suicidal, but extremely depressed.

The situation I had been in for a good six months had destroyed my self esteem and anything else that came with it. I was fine with my life as a whole, knowing that if I got out of this relationship there might be a future for me, if not I doubt that my mental state would ever improve.

Seeing what happened to my friends wasn’t exactly easy. Shawn and Markus had both taken to physical manifestations of their trauma. I knew that Shawn burnt himself, though I do believe it was for the opposite reason that Markus did it.

Markus was overwhelmed with emotion and regret piling up from the situation along with what he had to endure at home and at school. So, he took a knife to his skin in a vain attempt to finally cut himself free of that horrible hysteria. Shawn, on the other hand, was completely numb. Sometimes he’ll break down and feel something but when he does it's never good. He burns himself because he can’t do anything else. He’s so incredibly numb that he will do anything to feel something that isn’t that chokehold of negativity.

That was what I pieced together. I let Chandler abuse me and even came up with excuses for it because I felt guilty for what happened to Matthew. After all, I was the final switch that caused Matthew to jump.

Nicholas was odd, I knew that he was struggling, always had. He just never seemed to acknowledge it, instead throwing himself into a different world through theater. 

My thoughts were quickly brushed away as Alexander and Felix tugged me back.

“Chandler you’re acting weird.” It wasn’t a surprise he was so deranged. After all, I was attempting to break free of his constant imperious hold on me, causing him to lose control of this situation.

“I’m not, let go of Louis.”He insisted as Felix kept a hold on my wrist. I watched as Iris and her friends ran into the room, staring at us in deadpanned confusion. I think Helen was the one who got the hint that this wasn’t gossiping matters. 

The other two, however, pulled out their phones. 

“Louis, are you and Chandler a thing anymore?” Alex asked, keeping a grip on my shoulder just in case Chandler suddenly wrenched. I breathed in.

“No, not anymore.” I watched as my ex-boyfriend seemed to tense up, the possibility of him murdering me went from 1 to 100 real fast. He yanked me forward, trying to get me from Felix. Helen rushed over to my aid, swinging her arms around my waist and holding me as far back as she could. 

“Louis you retarded motherfucker.” He tugged on my arm again, so suddenly that it stung at my joints. I was sure something was either going to strain or pop out of socket if he dared to pull again, luckily Alexander got the message.

He moved forward and whacked chandler right in the elbow, forcing him to let go of me, and in that split second, even the hysteria could not prevent my natural instinct. Fucking run.

So, I darted for the door, Chandler pursuing me in a much more timely manner than I thought was possible. His caprice ability to move swiftly was horrifically agilic. He was known to be a very athletic guy but man, was he fast. 

Within moments that I was met with the cool winter breeze, I was yanked backwards. My ankles scuffed against the wooden steps that lead up to the front porch, blood scraping out of the damaged skin as it burnt in the cold. 

A slick breath snapped through my teeth as I was pulled back and spun to face Chandler. Before I thought, my hands acted, and I pushed him away, planting my feet onto the icy stone pathway.

“Chandler, we are done! I thought we actually had something! I genuinely thought we did!” I yelled, knowing my face was red from the cold. I didn’t wear a scarf that day because Chandler said they make me look stupid. Why the hell did I choose his stupid opinion over my own comfort.

“You thought we had something?” He asked, tone almost mocking me for my stupidity. My heart sank to the bottom of my stomach, and I knew I couldn’t help but drop my anger for a moment. 

“Louis, I was fucking you senseless. Did I ever tell you I loved you? No. Because I didn’t.” It hurt to hear, seriously it felt like a weird stab to the guts or at the very least to the heart.

“Fine, then fuck off or I’ll call the cops.” I growled, knowing damn well that my phone was buried in my pocket. 

That was where it ended. Chandler backhanded me across the face before storming off to his car and driving off, leaving me in the snow without my scarf and a piece of my dignity gone.


	20. Coming Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With tech-savy parents, Markus realizes with the gossip online there's no way for his secret to be kept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of self harm

**Markus' POV**  
Nick and I had called an uber to drive us home because we both just needed to be with each other and not have Brooklyn prying into our lives. Plus, we were fifteen and neither of us wanted to call our parents. 

Nicholas was panicking, he had three missed calls from his dad. I watched as he broke down on the side of the road clinging to me, tears edging down his tan cheeks. He had his scarf wrapped around the two of us as we waited, and I watched as he shakily scrolled through twitter, reading what people were saying about us. 

“Mark… Markus I’m scared. I don’t know what to do. My dad- what if he found out? Oh god he’s gonna-” He sucked in a breath, clinging his arm around mine as he tried to regain a normal pace of breathing. I kept my arm around him, feeling my own heart beat as I held back tears. 

“I’m scared too. We’re gonna go to my home, lock ourselves in my room and just talk. We won’t open the door until we are ready.” I said, though the shock was still just barely hitting me. I was out of the closet, and unlike Nick’s parents mine were very electronic oriented, they followed most of the things that happened at parties and even pointed out some of the drama that Iris spread around. 

I felt sick, my head throbbing as I felt the alcohol continuing to wear off. I think the shock had vanquished more of the drunken feeling as odd as it is. 

The uber soon came to pick us up and we both hopped in the back seat, the driver not questioning why two boys who reeked of alcohol were pale as ghosts and nervously hitching a ride. 

Nicholas reached down to hold my hand, clutching it close and whispering to me,

“What are we gonna do when we get to your house? We can’t just get in unnoticed.” He was right, it was devastating how impossible it would be to avoid the prying questions about our sexualities. Nothing stays a secret forever, and if it does it’s very well orchestrated. We were teenage boys, of course it didn’t last long, despite dire circumstances.

“We can sneak in or bolt upstairs. All the windows are locked so those are our only two options.” I swear if the driver overheard us he’d think we were about to do something very illegal. 

“I’m tall, we are both heavy, and your stairs creek. We are either gonna make too much sound or get spotted and stopped. I say we bolt.” It was the smartest move. If we were called out we’d have to turn right back around and face the consequences before getting into a private place and panic. 

“Agreed.” And with that we soon pulled up to my block, the door popping open to reveal pouring rain, cold, wet, rain. Nicholas pulled out a few bucks to pay the driver, then my boyfriend slid off his jacket, holding it over the two of us as we hopped out of the car. 

It was bitterly cold, my skin pinching at the sudden temperature change. Nicholas was doing his best to keep me sheltered as we continued walking towards my house, preparing for our big bolt.

“It's dark. Stay close to me.” He instructed. Part of me was glad that it was raining, nobody would be out this late in the rain to see us, not that it even mattered. 

I pushed into the side of his woolen scarf, the fabric embracing my chilled skin as we huddled underneath his soaking jacket that hung over us. As the light from my house neared his hand began to tighten around mine. We silently climbed up the deck of my house, Nicholas tossing his coat onto an outdoor chair before we finally began to cock the metal knob to the side. 

The cold texture allowed a firmer yet more painful grip, and luckily the knob did swivel to the side signaling that it was unlocked.

Hands intertwined, we both yanked the door open and bolted up the stairs, moving so quick that I couldn’t even decipher the actions that were being performed by my family. Were they on their phones cringing in disgust? I didn’t know. 

We both slammed the door to my room shut, Nicholas taking his soaked hands and switching the lock closed, then outstretching his arms in a drenched disgust. Neither of us had stayed dry. 

“Fuck I’m wet, take this.” I hissed, throwing him a pair of my fleece pajamas. I changed into a different color of the same pair, soon warming up as the panic and anguish further pressed into me. Once the cuff of the blue flannel pants had cuffed up on my leg, and Nicholas yanked over his borrowed red top I finally found myself at the breaking point, because holy shit that party.

“Fucking Louis!” I screamed, not even thinking about me being exposed for a second. This was worse. Knowing that someone wanted Matthew to commit suicide and was trying to break me down as well was the worst feeling I had ever felt. 

“I never wanted this bullshit to happen! I never wanted any of this!” I was hurting myself, that coping mechanism relapsing right in front of my deadpanned boyfriend. The side of my hand was beginning to swell as the skin tore against the wooden backboard of my bed. 

He lurched forward, grabbing onto my wrist and looking at me. For the first time, he had a look that I’d seen Shawn wear many times, one of pure and utter misery.

“It wasn’t your fault. Nobody wanted this! I fucking trusted Louis just as much as you did! I thought he actually had some redemption, okay?” I couldn’t tell if he was yelling at me or not, it didn’t seem like he was mad at me, but he was yelling those words to me. 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Mark.” He repeated, sounding like a broken record as a rather plaintive smile crossed his face. We were both cracking at the seams.

His hand encumbered my face, pulling me to him. My lips pressed into his, the familiar texture causing my shoulders to fall and face to gain some color. Nicholas seemed to have a similar reaction, but his panic was still delivered. 

“What are we, Mark?” He asked, begging me for an answer, pleading eyes and all. I was shocked, usually I was the one breaking down.

“My dad will be disgusted and my mom, god knows what she’ll do. Louis helped kill our friend and Shawn is dying. You’re all I have, Mark.” He was shaking, hands trembling as he continued to cup my cheek and hold my wrist. I looked into the pool of deep vanilla brown that his eyes swam with, searching them.

“What are we? I just want to be with you, please. Even if its as a friend.” Now he was mentioning how we’d handle coming out. Ever since I got that notification, I had decided that people would know and I wouldn’t lie to hide myself back in the closet. Before I could even think of how to answer him, he rolled up my sleeves.

His hands brushed atop the scars.

“I don’t want to lose you.” Nick was sobbing as he said that, looking at those cuts like they were hurting him, as if someone was physically hurting him. I looked at my arms, god was I ashamed. I wanted to heal, but the addiction seemed to plague me. 

Leaning onto my tippy toes, I pressed my lips into Nicholas’. Tears began to drench my cheeks while I hugged onto him.

“I’m scared.” Was all that I managed out, my voice hushed to a traumatized whisper. 

“Me too, me too. Fucking hell, I love you, Mark.” He was beginning to stutter, that heart churning ache pressing into me as I responded immediately,

“I love you too.” We didn’t notice the fidgeting with the lock, nor did we notice the door opening. I just clutched onto Nick like nothing else in the world mattered and he did that to me as well, a silent word of safety lingering over us.

Then my mother spoke.

“Markus,” I just raised my shoulders and burrowed my face into Nicholas’ chest. The idea of ignoring the issue to make it go away was helpless, plus I was getting Nicholas’ shirt soaked with my tears.

“I want to talk. Nicholas would you mind waiting in the hall for a moment?” I glanced up at Nicholas with that, ‘please don’t leave me alone with this woman’ expression, despite there being no apparent or any danger at all. He pulled my chin and kissed me, it was very brief but followed by him reassuring me. 

“I trust her.” He whispered, then turning to leave the room, leaving me standing there, arms out and face drenched. My mother was staring at me, but quickly snapped out of it and walked over to my bed, taking a seat and patting the bed next to her. Nervously, I took the seat. My hands were shaking like they never had before.

“Honey, I saw what happened at the party.” I knew she did, having a tech savvy mother wasn’t always good. I gnawed on my lip, keeping my head down as I thought about how to respond. I was still crying, no doubt in my mind that I looked like a crybaby. Part of the reason I didn’t cry often was that it would lead to weeks of mental instability.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered out, then repeating it over and over again. It was like a broken record, repeating the same line over and over. 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m gay.” Finally the record was set back on track with that last sentence. One contraction and a word managed to just split the ice. My mom put her hand on my back.

“Markus, that’s not something to be sorry about. I’ve expected it for a while. I know your father and brother seem to have the same ideals as every other homophobic person in town, but I’ll talk with them. I support you. Why would you think this would change anything?” I glanced over at her, relatively surprised though a huge weight seemed to be lifted. 

“I- I don’t know.” I pushed my wrist to my face, pushing off tears, and that's when I realized my arms were out and my whole body froze. That was something to really be afraid of her figuring out. She didn’t bring it up yet.

“I’m more disappointed in you for getting intimate with Nicholas at a party. Markus, you’re not even fifteen. While I don’t have any problem with you being gay, you were doing something much too intimate for someone your age.” Panic hit me right then. I was so drunk and passed out moments after making out with him and grinding. The memories of that were barely tugged forward by pictures I’d seen.

“I was drunk!” I said, that brush of confidence immediately smacking away as I realized what I had just said out loud. My mother, rightfully so, was horrified.

“Markus Silas Fletcher!” Full names were never a good thing when it came from a parent. 

“I didn’t know the punch was spiked.” I explained, hopelessly waving my hands in defiance of whatever she was going to claim. 

“Oh dear lord, alright.” She said, shaking her head at me. She then looked up at the ceiling. She’d never been the best at serious talks with me. She just wasn’t a very emotional or serious person usually. 

The silence was quiet enough for me to hear Nicholas’ foot nervously tapping against the floor outside my room. I knew what was coming, she had seen the scars and the new cuts from barely a day ago.

“Am I doing something wrong?” She asked, now fully diverting that gaze down at my arms. I was trying so hard to overcome it and now it was being brought up as if I was slicing at myself on a daily basis which I hadn’t been. 

“No, no you aren’t it’s not your fault.” Sure there were things my family did that put me in such an overwhelming state but at the end of the day they never meant for this to happen. They didn’t want me to hurt myself.

“Then why?” She asked, looking away from my eyes and at me. It was almost intimidating, having my mother stare me in the eye demanding an explanation for something I had kept secret for almost a year. 

“I’m never good enough. Paris and Xavier have so many talents and Jason is smarter than me. I’m the kid who didn’t turn out right, the family’s disappointment. Don’t tell me that’s not true because it is.” I explained, holding off talking about the bullying for as long as I could. I was pretty sure she hadn’t clued into that yet other than some bullshitty rumors were spread about me from time to time. 

“You are in no way a disappointment. I think you are one of the most kind hearted and amazing young boys in your class. You never fail to amuse me and are honestly the easiest of your siblings to talk to.” She explained, and though I felt my heart warm up just a little, it didn’t eliminate the majority of how much I couldn’t stand myself. 

“I’m an idiot. You’ve seen my grades. Dad yells at me for them.” She put her hand on my back, rubbing up and down my upper spine. 

“He just wants what's best for you. He wants you to put as much effort as you can into it.” I felt tears welling up again as that spirited churn of emotions latched onto me again.

“I tried! I can’t try anymore. I’m so tired of trying and never being good enough! I was never good enough for him or myself. Everyone else always was better than me no matter how hard I tried!” It felt good to yell, even if I knew it was me lashing out about everything. She still kept that hand on my back, not moving it. 

“Was that the only reason you cut yourself?” She questioned, still barely grasping what I was letting on to. Already in a fit of hysteria I just did what I did with Nicholas and explained it all, trembling as the words pushed out of my chest.

“Hell no! On top of all that stress, Xavier was calling me a fag! I’d go to school thinking I could get a break from him screwing with me and all the stress put on me only to get the living shit beat out of me on a constant basis or worse watching as they hurt Shawn or Nick. Sometimes I’d get a bad grade on a test and leave the room only to have my hair pulled and get made fun of because I’m the school’s biggest fucking loser!” I yelled, as the last few words left, my voice becoming shaky and progressively my mood was moving from pissed off to terrified of myself and the words I was letting go.

“Chandler bullied Matthew into his suicide and was doing the same thing to me and Shawn. He wants me dead, mom! He and his sick bastards of friends want me to cut too deep and end up dead. They are relentless and I never get a fucking break so I just cut myself to try and get everything to stop and guess what, it didn’t work! I kept doing it because that's all I knew how to do. Half the time I just wish I wasn’t born because nothing I do will change anything. Maybe the world would be better off without me! Chandler’s sick ideals might just be right! It would certainly give dad a break of having to deal with his disappointing faggot of a son wouldn’t it?” And, I cut myself off right then. I didn’t understand exactly why I was telling her all of this. I knew it would break her heart.

“Markus, why didn’t you tell me? I thought I made it clear I was always going to help you.” Tears were beginning to soak, and I mean, soak my hands to the point I had to wipe them on the bed. 

“I didn’t want to be more of a problem than I already was.” I explained, hopelessly looking over at the wall across from me. 

“Hey, it's okay.” She whispered, rubbing my back as I almost instinctively leaned into her. 

“It’s okay, I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.” She said those few things over and over as I just silently leaned onto her, my stomach hurting and arms stinging. 

“We’re going to sort this out. I’m going to talk with your- hey, it’s okay, your dad.” Involuntarily, I shuddered at that. Dad was tough.

“Is it okay if I leave to have a word with Nicholas. He’ll be right in once I’m done.” I backed off her, shakily nodding. I felt like an idiotic toddler who had some bitchy tantrum, but then again I didn’t feel bad about that fact. 

She hugged me, placing a kiss on my forehead.  
“I love you, don’t forget that.” Her voice was extremely hushed, almost sympathetic which was a bit weird. 

“Love you too mom.” I mumbled under my breath, though part of me knew that she was able to hear it. She smiled, turning to leave the area. I guess Nicholas was about to be interrogated by my mother, what a sight that would be.

 **Nicholas' POV**  
I felt my heart throbbing as I tried to listen in, not acknowledging that someone could easily walk past and snap at me for listening in. Either way I was quickly caught when Markus’ mother opened up the door and I nearly fell right into the room with the lack of the door.

She rounded into the hallway, making sure I stayed in the hall with her as she shut the door to Mark’s bedroom. She had questions for me and rightfully so. I was making out with her son at a party.

Her demeanor was so comfortingly calm. I wouldn't even want to imagine the hellfire that would unleash if my Mother was in her place. 

"How long have you been with my son?" Oh this would be incredibly awkward. I shifted next to Markus’ bedroom door having a feeling that he was listening in. 

“About two days, but when we got together it was like a dam broke.” Yeah, we’d had feelings for each other for a long time so I wasn’t surprised that it felt like that. God, did that flood of everything feel good. 

“I hate to press you with questions, Nicholas, but have you and Mark slept with each other?” It was hard for me to understand if Mark’s mom was really okay with us being together or what was going on in said matter. I felt like she was interrogating me, but the reason behind it was unknown. I just hoped for best case scenario she had some motherly curiosity. 

“Er- depends what that entails. We are both virgins still if that's what you’re asking.” I awkwardly explained. Honestly the humiliation of the question and what my answer suggested made me wish I had just lied. She crossed her arms and took in a breath.

“Look, I trust you with him and from what I just saw it's hard.” She was right. It was hard to date Markus. He was so emotionally unstable that it got tireing, though he was trying his best. I felt like that conversation with his mom might have been the first step to something good. He really just needed to be shown some love and gain a little self confidence. 

“It is hard, but the thing is that I want this. I know it’ll be hard until he gets help. I just want to be there for him. I love him and he’s there for me too.” His mother began to smile though I could tell there was an odd twinge to it. She wasn’t exactly sound with how she felt. 

“I should let you go to him. You probably will be able to comfort him better than me. Don’t worry if his siblings come in to check on him. His father will probably talk with him tomorrow, but I suspect they’ll come up in a bit. I’ll let you keep the door closed but don’t go past second base.” She warned, and I swear if I wasn’t so worried about my boyfriend I would have froze up being so flustered. His mother was telling me not to suck his dick right now. 

“Yes, Mrs. Fletcher.” I nervously responded, turning around to the wooden door and quickly rushing into its confines to confide in my boyfriend. Once I entered the small bedroom and spotted Markus sitting on his bed breathing in and out, he seemed to be calming himself down. 

“Hey Marky, you okay?” I questioned, slipping next to him on the bed. He seemed to be put in a state of confusion because of the situation, but it had clearly peaked when I was in the hall and was now slowly lowering into a peaceful conclusion. 

“I love my mom. I love you.” His tone was fast and upbeat, and he seemed to actually have some fervid zest behind it. I made a move and kissed him on the cheek, almost grinning as he flusteredly smiled.

“I love you too, but I think we need to talk about what we’re gonna do if my parents find out. I can walk into my dad’s house looking gay as hell but I better walk into my mom’s house looking straight as an arrow. If she knows I’m fucked- like chainsaw fucked.” At least Markus didn’t have my parents. My mom was the stereotypical hispanic mom, practically slapping me in the face with the formality I was supposed to follow. 

“Oh right, why don’t you call her tomorrow? If she doesn’t know then don’t tell her till you want to.” He said, putting his hand over top mine. I was pretty tensed up. My dad was unpredictable and if he knew it would just be erratic. 

“Yeah, I’ll do that.” He nodded, leaning forward and hugging onto me, squeezing me into a very close embrace.

“It’s gonna be fine.” He assured me as if he knew I really needed to hear that. I just smiled, cocking my head to the side so that I could easily kiss him. He immediately pushed into the kiss, putting a hand through my hair, barely messing up the almost perfect look I had going on. 

We didn’t really even notice his sister walking into the room until she made her presence known.

“I knew it!” She said, arms to her chest and smiling like a giddy fangirl reading a fluffy fanfiction. Markus pulled back from the kiss but still kept a relatively strong hug on me.

“Paris, get out of my room!” He snapped as any little brother would. She rolled her eyes, continuing to stand right next to the door and a few feet away from us. I wasn’t surprised she wasn’t judging us. 

“Mom said I could come in here. I’m trying to be nice.” She stated, crossing her arms in annoyance. Siblings could irk each other in any situation from what I knew. Mark still didn’t have his arms covered, so I was pretty surprised when he carelessly flung his arms up and said,

“Yes, you’re being nice, but this is my room!” I don’t think what he said quite reached her because she was just staring at his arms in disbelief. He quickly realized, recoiling back.  
“So that’s what mom meant.” Even I felt bad for Mark for just throwing that out so carelessly. 

“You know I’m fine with you being gay right? We can talk about guys together now- er… if people are rough about it at school I’ll talk with the student council about doing something to ease it.” Ah right, Paris was on the student council. Markus just leaned back onto me and didn’t respond. Once more, Paris was accidentally pointing out another accomplishment of hers.

The silence grew awkward really quick. I wasn’t sure what to say and Markus didn’t seem like he wanted to say anything, just really irked to the bottom of his heart.

“You know mom and Jason are fine with it.” She said, still not seeing past it being an issue with his sexuality. 

“Jason doesn’t understand.” Markus grumbled, rolling down his sleeves. 

“I know he doesn’t but he’s not upset. You shouldn’t cut yourself over this.” She almost whispered that last part as if she were ashamed to mumble it out loud. 

“My sexuality is like the last reason I’d cut myself. Just leave it alone, forget you saw anything.” He didn’t even seem to have the energy to deal with Paris. Talking about it wasn’t good for him, and I didn’t know what would cause him to relapse. 

“Wait am I doing something wrong?” She asked, looking a bit dumbfounded. I found myself just mentally groaning. The girl couldn’t let it go. 

“Paris just get out!” Mark snapped, snarling at his older sister. I was glad I didn’t have siblings sometimes. She sucked in a breath, giving him a look that spoke the words “Jesus okay!” 

She began to leave and Markus once more connected his lips with mine, clearly ticked off that his sister had interrupted him. Neither of us were still in our own space and definitely heard when Xavier walked by the open door and cursed out a slur.

“Faggots.” Markus just held me tighter and pulled out of the kiss to rest his head on my shoulder, allowing me to do the same to him, stroking his back.

Paris kicked the door closed, but it didn’t stop us from hearing the scene in the hall unfold.

“Xavier you asshole! Don’t say that.” She yelled, even though the door was closed I could hear her loud and clear and so could Markus. He just moved as close as he could to me. 

“It's what he is.” Xavier said back, ignorantly and confidently as if it wouldn’t affect his brother who could hear him loud and clear. 

“He cuts himself! You insensitive prick he’s going through something bad and you have the audacity to call him a slur. He’s our brother.” She paused, taking in a deep breath and then continuing.

“At the least you could pretend to care about him. What the hell would you do if he committed suicide and the last thing you said to him was a slur?” Good point, you never know what the last thing you say to a person will be. I doubted Mark would kill himself especially saying he saw hope in healing, but damn would that sting to hear him.

“He’s not gonna kill himself.” Xavier mumbled, though still loud enough for us to hear. 

“You know that kid, Matthew did! Why? Because his family didn’t accept him. Mark already cuts! One thing you say could push him over the edge!” She yelled, which just caused her and Xavier to get into a fight. I just hugged onto my boyfriend, trying to position him so that he couldn’t hear what they were yelling about. He could hear, but he didn’t let go of me.

This relationship was the best thing to happen to us but damn did it evoke some sense of discord. Right then, all that really mattered was that Mark was happy, so I kept him to my chest and huddled with him.


	21. Three Notes And A Gun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brooklyn reads the notes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is an extremely graphic chapter. Depictions of Suicide and Self harm.

So, the party ended with a bang and it had been decided even before the party that I was having the girls over. After making a fair attempt at cleaning up the woodland home, we quickly left to go to my house, driven by Iris’ older brother who looked like he could snap my neck.

The events of the night were fighting my sanity and honestly it was a losing battle. I had kept myself from reading those notes for a good three hours and now I was finally back inside my own home, though I was with Iris and gossip was sure to spread if she saw the notes. I decided that it would be worth it.

I let the three pieces of paper hang loosely in my hand as I back into the safety of my room. Helen laid sprawled out on her sleeping bag while Iris and Elizabeth both were seated up on the very edge of my bed, phones out and discussing the recent break up between Louis and Chandler.

“What’s that you got there?” Helen asked, her dark eyes looking up at me with that devilish curiosity. 

“Dunno, Shawn threw them at me before storming out of the party.” She seemed to back up a little.

“I don’t want to butt into his business.” Nobody did, really, it was clear that his life was extremely tough and only the brattiest brats could pry into it. Helen just wasn’t like that, instead deciding to lay back down on her sleeping bag and read through social media. 

I took out the first note, the oldest and most crumpled one. It was written on a torn out sheet of notebook paper and the edges were smeared with what looked like dried blood. I originally thought all these notes would be Shawn’s but this one didn’t appear to be that way. Stars were doodled all over the page and the handwriting was completely different from Shawn’s.

Perhaps the other fact was that it was a letter addressed to Shawn for the most part. I began to read the letter, each phrase and word beginning to sink into me like a weighted needle.

_“I don’t know how to start this. Uh, well i hope it’s you dad and not someone else. Not that I wanted you to see me like this but you know- I’d rather you see me than a stranger or my boyf- shawn. I guess i’m writing this to just leave something. I don’t know at this point you’ll probably just throw this away. I wanted to say sorry to shawn. Im sorry that I pestered you. Im sorry that i was a brat and so needy. I did tell the truth about louis._

_So i guess i should explain some more. If youre reading this im probably dead so that uh thats sad i guess. Dad i hope you can share this with my boyfriend and my friends you know them, Shawn Ruell, Markus Fletcher, Nicholas Rivers and I guess Louis Beckett. I’ll write a part for each of you._

_Dad, you’re first. I’m sorry i was born. I know you dont want me so i hope this made it a little easier on you. I couldnt take being hit one more time. People notice that i dont eat. You get mad at me when teachers worry because im hurt. I dont know that to do or what to say. I tried so hard to impress you but i guess im just a punching bag of a son. It hurt to see you struggling with addiction and if theres one last thing i can tell you its that i hope you get help and recover. Maybe you can have a better son or at least a better life. I still love you dad._

_Nicholas, hey nick i’m sorry. None of this is your fault. Im sorry that i made chandler start to hurt you and mark. That is on me okay. You’re a great friend. Please don’t blame yourself. Keep doing theater. I wish i could've stuck it out to see you in the play._

_Markus, i really am gonna miss you. I dont blame you for what you said to me the past few days. Chandler got us all. He fucked us all over and its not your fault. You helped me keep going. If someone new comes along let them use my old controller if they don’t have one. I dont want it going to waste. I hope things get better between you and your siblings. You’re one of the coolest people i know. Good luck in life._

_Louis, i hope you get away from Chandler before he hurts you. I looked up to you back a few months ago then you changed. I know it seems like its your fault but i know chandler is fucking with your head. Get away from him before you get hurt. Please. You have a life to live if you do._

_Shawn, hi. I know you hate me. You wont even look at me at school. Im sorry if its weird but i still love you. I really really do. At least i didn’t die a virgin heh… thats not even a good thing. Cadel you are the most fascinating guy ive ever met. You rebel at school and sneak out but you snuggle up on a roof with me for dates. I hope your parents accept you when you finally come out. I wish my dad did heh. Youre so amazing. I wish i could kiss you one last time but that wont happen. I wont ever kiss you again or anything. Ill die hated by everyone i love. Isnt that fun? I dont hold it against you. I love you. If anything, I want you to live out the life i can’t. I wish i was stronger and stayed for a bit longer to see if things would get better but i cant. Youre so strong so please live- if not for yourself for me. I love you._

That concludes this. Hope my star journal survives the fall even when i dont. Please keep living.” That was matthew’s suicide note, written possibly minutes before he jumped off of that roof. It was almost blood chilling as if the words were alive when matthew wasn’t. My heart hurt, god it stung. His writing was almost erratic, but it was heartfelt. 

I put the letter to the side and yanked out the second letter, newer but bloody and smudged with dirt. 

_‘I fucking can’t do it. I can’t. I tried but I can’t. I’m so fucking tired. I tried so hard to live, but they just kept fucking pushing me down and its like im being choked. So im up here, at the roof. Its the day before the first day of school. Honestly fuck it. I just wanna cry. Mat’s dead and its all my fault. He wanted me to live but i cant do it. If my mom calls me a faggot again or my dad slaps me for doing anything prideful then I’m done, no they already did that. They never cared mat died. They hated him the second he realized i kissed him. I hate my life. The future is bullshit. I tried everything to actually not suffer but i cant. No matter what i do im always in pain. I tried burning, cutting, smoking, breathing, and my parents even put me on meds. When the meds wear off everything gets worse. Fuck the drugs, fuck the cutting, fuck the burning. Ive thought about killing myself over and over. Im done. Dont cry for me. Mark and nick im sorry but everyone else you didnt even make an attempt to help me. Its not your fault but you sure of hell could have at least been nice. Im sorry im being an asshole. Im just sick and tired of everything. Sorry i failed you Matthew, actually maybe ill get to tell you that myself.” Shawn had jumped from that roof. This was his pitiful attempt at a suicide note. He was clearly at his breaking point, the letter seemingly written in minutes before he decided to kill himself. Shawn survived and once again was going down a downwards spiral._

The last note was new. That should have clued me into what was going on.

_‘The roof was a stupid mistake. After i woke up in the hospital I thought hey maybe things will get better, but guess what they didn’t read the suicide note or think it was a suicide. The doctors actually told them that it would be a good idea to put me in therapy. Now its what? November. I guess im 15 now. So basically there was some shit that went down last night. They found out about the burning thing. Honestly i dont know why i do it. I think its become a bad habit to try and cancel out the numbness but i dont know. Im about to go to nick’s house. Why am i writing this? If youre reading it you know. I’m dead. I want to hope that ill find a reason to live soon. Mark and nick are a reason to live but to be honest i just cant feel that connection anymore. They like Mat’s replacement more than me. I need help, real help. I dont want to be told im a fucking faggot as my therapy. The damn therapist was told to fix me. I was born gay and ill die gay. I just want to get help. My parents dont think im sucidal or depressed they just think im a rebellious gay fuck up who will never suceed. Dad still hits me. Mom still yells at me. Kristolyn still harasses me and beats me._

_People tell me to cut myself on the regular. They beat me and tear me down. I dont have a future. I dont even care about the future. I want to smile and laugh again but i cant. More than anything i want to get out. I just want to stop it all. I cant take the numbness or the constant harassment. I cant take it. I’m going to take my dad’s pistol and finish the job. I failed everyone else might as well fail Matthew.”_ Recently written, recently written. This was written on the way to Nick’s house. This was written before the party where he gave it to me and told me to show Nick and Mark. I felt sick, stuffing the letters in my pocket and hastily dialing Shawn.

There was no answer. Without thinking I stood up and burst out of my room, knowing the way to get to Shawn’s house on foot. I could make it there quickly and it wouldn’t be too hard to climb into his room through a window. It was raining outside but even in the blizzardy cold, I knew that Shawn’s life was really at risk. 

Nearly slipping on slick ice puddles, I kept through the long sidewalk, not even bothering to answer the phone calls my friends were sending. I had just left them at my house. All that mattered was potentially saving Shawn’s life.

It was hard to see because of how fast I was running in the rain. My tennis shoes were becoming soaked as well as my feet, evoking an odd sense of numbness. I felt my beating as I thought of the hours after he had written the note.

His impassive yet odd reactions when texting his father, getting beaten up twice without any aid, and finally being told that at the end of the day Matthew’s suicide was his fault. I had wanted to talk to the girls about being kinder to shawn because of how he was being treated, but there was never enough time.

Soon, I approached the house, looping around and to the back of the house. I was drenched from head to toe. I couldn’t feel my feet and the overall feeling of the wet clothing just made me exceedingly discomforted. It was like being covered in wet dog fur and soaked towels. 

Adrenaline can make you do some crazy things, so once I had found Shawn’s window, the sheer force I used to pry it open managed to snap off the lock with a loud pop. I crawled through the space and stood there staring at Shawn who was staring back at me. 

There Shawn was kneeling on the ground. I watched him kneeling over, his arms were cut, a burn over his wrist. His glasses were badly taped but still on his head despite the blood running down his arms. He hadn’t cut himself too badly, but the razor still was thrown to the side and it was sickening to view. 

In his hand was a pistol, clearly loaded and ready to fire. 

It was pointed at his skull, but he didn’t move his hand at all. He just stared at me in shock. 

“Shawn! Shawn wait!” I moved forward and he tightened his grip on the gun, his messy black hair being pushed around by the barrel. He didn’t say a single word, his lips remaining sealed. 

I looked into his eyes, those cold and exhausted iris’ that so well managed to complement his dark hair. 

“No- fuck you.” He mumbled as if he didn’t want anyone to hear him but me. He didn’t want them knowing he was going to kill himself.

“Please put the gun down.” I begged, my voice almost cracking with sheer desperation. He growled, bitterly looking away from me, readjusting his grip on the gun. 

“That note was a suicide note, not a cry for help.” I knew it wasn’t a cry for help, but me, I had that mentality that everyone had a life to live. I took a deep breath and looked into the almost dead look in Shawn’s eyes as blood dripped from the many cuts he’d pressed into his skin in some vain attempt to find an end to numbness. 

“Do you remember when he died?” I didn’t know if bringing up Matthew was the best idea, but hell Shawn had a gun to his head and I just wanted to keep him from pulling the trigger.

“How much did it hurt you when you read that letter?” I questioned, stepping forward again. I hadn’t ever seen Shawn cry or really laugh. He expressed easily faked emotion that came in the impulse of the moment, right now I was trying to evoke any emotion from him at all. 

I noticed him flinch, just a little. I was getting somewhere.

“You saw his father break down after his death. You watched as your friends began to fall apart.” I kept talking, and it was more than evident that each word I said was being carefully listened to, though he clearly didn’t want to hear it. 

“His death ruined you. Your parents simply made it worse by pressuring you and not accepting you.” I said, creating a mental map of where I wanted this to go, I had to think this out because the wrong words could mean one shot and another death.

“You thought your parents didn’t love you anymore. You thought your friends were drifting away from you.” Once more his hand shifted as if he were about to relinquish the gun from his hold.  
‘  
“Your parents do love you. Think about their perspective and how sin is what kills. They think because Mat was gay that’s what drove him to his death. You need to talk to them, Shawn. Get them to get you actual help instead of conversion therapy.” He gripped the gun tighter, bad move I had just made. He actually responded to that, coarsly saying,

“They’re too worried about me being gay to realize any of that shit. They won’t talk to me.” I took a step back, both mentally and physically. I carefully calculated my next words. 

“You won’t know if you don’t ask.” He stayed silent, looking at me. I then continued. 

“You thought Mark and Nicholas were drifting away from you while Mark was dealing with a heavy wave of depression and Nicholas was dealing with whatever is going on at his home. Louis was being tugged into a very abusive relationship.” His hand was shaking, though you had to squint to really see it.

“They all love you. Do you think your parents would really be satisfied if you killed yourself? You’re their son. Markus and Nicholas would be destroyed and god knows what it would do to Louis. That poor guy is going to come running into your arms soon enough. He’s been abused for years and you were his friend and he’s going to need you or someone to be an example for him, to show him how you can heal.” I knelt down about a foot away from Shawn, looking at him as he shakily held that pistol. 

“Even Mat wants you to live. The only person who doesn’t believe in you having a purpose and a future is yourself. You can either take your own life or possibly help other people who love you.” Shawn paused for a second, he looked at me, not moving the gun from his hand. From outside the hall, a voice urgently called out.

“Katherine, my gun is missing.” I recognized the voice as Shawn’s dad’s, then glanced down at Shawn’s barely bruised wrist. Enticement was blatantly clear with that sense of panic. His parents were soon to piece together who had the gun.

“Okay.” His voice was almost silent as he said that. The second Shawn rested the gun to his side, I leaned forward and hugged him, not planning on letting go. It became evidently clear just by the way he was breathing that he had begun to full out sob. 

It was genuinely scary, but i just held him close for as long as I could, which wasn’t long but it still helped him a lot. Something told me the guy needed way more than just one hug. 

His parents soon rushed outside of his room, both standing behind the thick barrier. Shawn pulled away and glanced towards the door, staring as his mother desperately knocked on the door.

“Shawn! Shawn! Open the door!” His dad yelled, the strain in his tone filled with that dread that I’d heard before. The dread of possibly hearing a gunshot. Shawn looked over at me, teary eyed and all, motioning for me to leave. Sure, kicking me into the rain once more wasn’t the best way to thank me, but it was written in his expression that he was just the slightest bit thankful.

I needed to leave him so that he could have that conversation with his parents. So, taking in a deep breath and trusting with my whole heart that Shawn would do what he had to, I slipped out of the room, looking like shit, and making my way back to my house.

**Shawn's POV**

My wrists and arms stung as if someone had just violently created their own record of lacerated carnage against my skin, which in a way was exactly what had happened. The sorrow that was pumping through me was restraining, like I had a corset on and tugged as tight as it could, crushing my ribs.

In my right hand was a gun, lying at my side as I shakily moved my hand across the silver helve, twisting the lock and pulling the door open to look up at my two ghostly pale parents. My mother looked like she had just had a major panic attack while my father wasn’t even moving. 

They saw my burnt hands and the new cuts all over my arms along with the gun, and watched as I just sobbed, uncontrollably and hysterically. I shakily hugged onto my mom as my dad gripped onto the gun that I had slid over to him. 

“What in the world were you thinking Shawn!? You’ve cut up yourself and you were about to- oh god.” My mother wasn’t making much since, then again I could barely see. I was bruised on all edges with broken glasses and bleeding arms. 

“We- we need to talk.” was all that I managed to mutter out. I doubted they’d suddenly be alright with me kissing boys but that wasn’t the only reason I would be talking to them.

First my father put his gun back into his room, then next thing I knew I was sitting on the couch in the living room, curled up in pajamas next to the fireplace with my knees pressed into my chest and bandages covering up my arms. My mom had given me some nice warm tea and a blanket to curl up in while she and dad talked for a moment. 

I didn’t know what they’d think about it. Their son had a gun held up to his head with his arms cut and had been burning himself. I just bit my lip and curled up on myself, occasionally sipping the tea as I thought,

‘What if they hate me for cutting and burning on my- er excuse me god’s body?’ That thought alone was scary, what they might think about me almost killing myself was even worse. I shuddered, squeezing my eyes shut and curling further into the blanket.

I didn’t even notice when my parents entered the room until they both sat down in chairs across from me and grabbed my attention. My dad calmly spoke,

“Shawn, you said you wanted to talk. Your mother and I are willing to.” I sat up in shock, though I did feel almost sickly due to how much of a fit I had been thrown into after sobbing so much. 

“Yeah, I do- I uh.” I paused. It was stupid of me not to have thought of how to talk about these issues or what order to talk about them in, so I decided to start with what was lying the heaviest on my mind in the moment first.

“When I jumped from Mat’s roof at the beginning of the school year I was trying to kill myself.” The words left my lips and I watched as my parents’ expressions contorted. My father was the first to speak,

“Why? Is your homosexuallity really damaging you this much?” He asked, almost seeming disgusted in me for a split moment. I was exasperated and quickly threw my head back and groaned.

“No I didn’t want to kill myself because I like boys! I wanted to kill myself because you don’t accept me and many other reasons!” They both seemed taken aback now that I had finally said what needed to be said. I wanted them to understand even if I knew they never really would, even if I knew they’d never understand that I wasn’t going to burn in the firey pits of hell because I had consentual sex with my boyfriend.

“I can’t take conversion therapy. I just want to be gay and be happy.” They both seemed ashamed, my mother looking down at the floor then back at me.

“We love you Shawn. We just don’t want you to let this phase damn you to hell.” I felt tears building up again. I hadn’t cried in a while, now the waterworks were really starting to churn.

“Fine, fine. I don’t fucking care alright! Just take me out of conversion therapy and get me some real help because I don’t want to be miserable! I just want to be happy. You’re my parents, you're supposed to want the best for me. What’s best is for me to be accepted no matter if I kiss guys or girls.” I tried to explain it to them and somehow I think it was starting to get to them. They were starting to understand that I was hurting because of them.

“I can comply with that. We will put you in therapy for your depression, self-harming issue, and suicidal thoughts.” My father spoke, his tone low but almost peaceful in a sense that it didn’t bite daggers into my heart. I took in a deep breath, skakily staring between both of them as I reached for my second point.

“I’m also being bullied at school. It’s why I can’t focus. It’s part of why I’m losing my fucking mind!” I said, speaking the honest truth. I was going crazy because of the pressure at school. Chandler would beat me on the regular. I was constantly covered in bruises and harassed for my sexuality, and knowing he was trying to get me to kill myself wasn’t helping my situation.

“Then Mat killed himself! You didn’t care. I loved him. Sure you might not like it, but I lost my virginity with him and went on dates with him!” Even the looks on their faces screamed uncomfortable. They didn’t like that I was kissing a boy and god forbid I have sex with one. 

“I just want to die so much. I hate my fucking life. You hate me because I’m gay. Krystolyn beats me and nobody cares. I get bullied into trying to burn my own skin at school. Then after all of it you throw me in conversion therapy after you find out I’m gay in Matthew’s suicide note.” My cheeks were wet, had been for a while. I’d been in a lot of pain recently, damnit Brooklyn cracked me from that numbness. I wasn’t sure whether to love or hate her for that.

What I didn’t expect was for my mother to stand up and wrap her arms around me. My father would still be distant but through the blur of tears I managed to see that pity screwn face of his, staring at me with not distaste but just a fervid pity and maybe the subtile hint of regret.

Maybe this was the begining to healing.


	22. A Different Note

**February 12, 2016  
Brooklyn**

It was finally February, two days before valentines day and eleven days until the one year annivarsiry of Matt’s suicide. Things had really changed over the past months. 

I’ll begin with the couple, Mark and Nick. They have certainly stolen the show, though Nick’s parents still have no clue that he’s gay or that he’s making out with Markus in the theater back rooms. The whole school practically knows that they’re together and nobody seems too bothered by it. Markus is in therapy for a lot of reasons. I’d never really paid much attention to his depression, but apparently it was bad. I wasn’t sure if the therapy was working or not, for that you’d have to ask Nicholas who seems to be under a bit of stress but other than that is doing fine. 

Next there was Louis, the poor guy. He’d reconnected with the group and was basically begging to be Shawn’s friend. The kid really looked up to Shawn and for some reason had chosen him to cling to whenever he was in a panic.

Chandler was completely isolated. He had gotten kicked off sports teams and his friends even kicked him out of their group. He was never charged with assault but damn was the guy hated for what he did to Louis. Louis never had recovered from the abuse despite being in therapy.

Then there was Shawn who was actually smiling from time to time. He seemed to still have some insecurities with his life at home, but he loved himself and had stopped smoking which apparently was a big deal. I didn’t know Shawn before the suicide but I was guessing it wasn’t just a post Matthew habit. He was a generally fun guy though he still got a bit salty from time to time.

Me? Oh well I had landed myself with a crush on one of the three girls, of course, the girl being Helen. I was planning to hand her a valentines box of chocolates and deliver some sick poetry. After all, everyone was celebrating valentines at school today, the principal announced that each homeroom would get a treat during O period. 

Anyways, I found myself slipping right over to Helen’s locker. The LED lights of the school giving off that potent white hue as I tried to profess my love to her. Helen pushed her locker door shut as she pushed in some candies that Iris and Elizabeth had been passing around to the other quote unquote cool kids.

“Hey, I got you chocolate.” I said, leaning onto the locker closest to Helen’s. My hand was outstretched with the box lying in my palm. She smiled, taking the box and looking down at it with her bright brown eyes and then grinning. 

“Aw, thanks Brook. You didn’t have to.” My shoulders raised at that, though just a little. I wanted to play this cool.

“Yeah, also you free this weekend?” I questioned, getting ready to pop the question. She nodded, affirming that she was in fact free. I found myself grinning and finally asking,

“Wanna go out to the movies on sunday?” She froze up, looking almost flustered by the idea of the date. And finally gave me her response.

“It’s a date!” She giggled out, a bit flustered by the idea of the valentine's date. My face lit up, though I still kept my hand against the locker acting as suave and cool as I could manage. That was when my little moment was interrupted by the slick worded shorty, Shawn Ruell. 

“While I’d love to witness more gay shit, I’d rather choke on dick than not be able to get to my locker.” Of course Shawn would say that. First point, he’d definitely want to choke on dick so he wasn’t being too dramatic. I got off his locker, giving the moody teen his space. He did seem pretty relaxed though, smiling at me with that sense of approval.

Nevertheless, I focused in on my date and started talking all while paying no mind to Shawn.

**Markus' POV**

So since our school had decided to celebrate Valentine’s Day and I actually had a boyfriend, I had done some preparation. Nick was taking me on a date tonight and that was it, point blank, the breach of my knowledge. I was highly suspicious of such an ordeal saying he hadn’t specified the places we were going.

Speaking of the devil, there I was walking from first period class to second when I bumped into Nicholas for the first time today. He seemed to stiffen up a bit before nervously taking my hand and pulling me around the corner and into a more isolated part of the hallway.

“Happy Valentine’s day.” He said, pushing downwards to kiss me on the cheek all while handing me a card that had three rolls of sweet tarts and one pack of gum tied in pink ribbons to it. I quickly opened the paper, still confused as to why he’d dragged me into isolation to give me this stuff. 

I snickered at the stupidity that was the corny card. He’d pitifully drawn some pokemon and neatly written “If you were a pokemon I’d choose you.” I was genuinely flattered though the cheesy nature of what he’d put together was starting to smack me. 

I hadn’t done anything less banal.

“I got some treats for you- er now and later.” Still curious why he had decided it would be best to have this moment in private, I nearly cringed as I stopped him from rummaging in his pockets so that I could hand him my almost jejune letter and chocolate. 

“Hold on- I got something for you.” I interjected, passing him what I had so caringly prepared. 

He was practically wheezing at the note, and I can’t say that I blamed him. On the card I had idiotically written “You may stand for something but I’m glad you fell for me.” I wasn’t shocked that he immediately clicked into it being a Hamilton reference, but man was it funny. The rest of the note had some genuine stuff written on it and he just smiled, putting his arms around me then bringing me into a hug. He pulled back, kissing me on the forehead then beginning to speak.

Finally, I realized why he wanted us to be in private for this. 

“If we are doing theater references then how’s about after our date we go back to your place and rehearse a little bit of Dead Girl Walking.” He said, just barely revealing a condom he’d stuffed into the depths of his pocket. I shoved his hand right back into those confines not wanting anyone to see that.

I hadn’t lost my virginity to Nicholas yet, so this little notion was gladly appreciated.

“Hell yeah I am, but don’t get us sent to the principal's office by carrying that around!” I quickly said, unaware of the pending threat that would soon pounce. 

Nick smiled, though that seductive little glimpse I caught set me off. 

"You slick bastard." I grumbled, noticing that his hand was wrapped around my waist. He just snickered, pushing us closer to the wall, the cheap school lights flickering overhead. I felt my shoulder blades press onto the walls, then Quickly raised my arms to put around his upper back, pulling our faces just inches apart. 

I could feel his breath, and it was very clear he'd been sucking on a mint or something. Making out in the school hallways wouldn't sound like a good idea to most people but at this point we didn't really identify with the majority of people. 

He pressed against me, causing me to close my eyes while he sloppily made out with me, roughly moving to a point that I was struggling to keep up with his seductive movements and quick tongue work. 

Yeah, he slipped tongue, it wasn't past us to do that. As this continued, I found myself slipping my hand into his hair, almost yanking it when he pushed his knee against a certain area of my lower body. 

Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you looked at it, the hall monitor rounded the corner and him being a senior, easily yanked my boyfriend off me and crossly stood glaring at the two of us. 

It was that almost motherly disappointment, the one that took a gun and shot you in the face with impending guilt. I took in a breath, my own drool still inching off my cheek while my face was still bright red, though the embarrassment was what engendered the most of it.

“I’ll let you two off because it’s Valentines Day but you’d both better be in class when I ask.” We both hastily nodded, Nicholas looking like his heart was beating outside of his chest he was so startled. 

We both rounded the corner and back into one of the school’s main hallways, I swear this place was like a labyrinth. Linking my hand with Nick’s, we both made the unanimous decision to head right back to class. We did manage to make some sort of conversation.

“I can’t breathe, holy crap.” He panted out, gripping onto my hand even tighter than he had just moments before. I shakily made my response though the stutter in my tone a clear allusion to my continuous discomfort with the event.

“We are so lucky. Monitors are usually so strict, Jesus christ.” He lacklusterly laughed, then realizing something and quickly changing the topic as we walked back to class.

“Your parents. Have things gotten better?” He asked, cocking his head slightly adjacent and looking me in the eye. I laughed a little but it didn’t go to hide what was really going on. Things had gotten pretty rough.

“No, Dad still won’t talk to me. Everything else is still just as shitty.” was what I managed to tell him. He nervously laughed, rubbing his thumb into my hand. I took in a breath.

"And is therapy going well?" He asked, finally pushing forward that question I expected to hear from him on a constant basis. 

See, Shawn, Louis, and I went to the same therapist. Shawn was there for self harm, depression, and suicidal thoughts. Louis was there for his depression and trauma from abuse. I was there for depression and cutting. Nicholas was actually almost put in therapy as well by his mother a few months ago. 

"Yeah, I saw Shawn yesterday at the office and the therapist questioned if we were friends. It was pretty awkward because my mom didn't know Shawn was depressed or anything. Vise versa." I explained as Nick loosened his grip on my hand to feel up my wrist. It was a move he didn't think I recognized. He wanted to feel for cuts. 

"That's cool. I'll pick you up from the office on Saturday. Shawn and Louis are joining us and Brook for that picnic thing. Just tell me the time." He said, acting like he was relaxed by just saying such calm stuff. It was just him making general conversation to keep me distracted while he looked for red flags. I appreciated his concern with all my heart but he did it so often that after a few months I had clued into what he was doing. 

"Saturday? Why not Sunday?" I asked as we passed by some more lockers. 

"Sunday is Valentines Day. I'm taking you out again. Apparently Brook is going out with Helen. It wouldn't shock me if Shawn and Louis began making out or something. Ex-Frat boy over there has totally got the hots for Shawn's emo ass." I snickered as Nick motioned into an english classroom where sure enough Louis was off in fantasy land while sitting right behind Shawn. 

"Alright that makes sense. Sucks that we won't have ham sandwiches like last year." I said, remembering the impeccable flavor of those sandwiches that always ended up being the star of out Valentines picnic. 

"I'll make sandwiches if you want, Mark." He said, clearly ignorant to what I really meant. I quickly spoke up.

"No, I meant Mat's sandwiches. Please make those fruity drinks you usually do. They're too good to sacrifice for something that will probably make Shawn get all sour." Nick nodded, any remembrance of Mat tended to get under Shawn's skin for no apparent reason. 

I felt Nick move his left hand through my hair, once more adding to the scruffy mess that it had become. He wistfully let out a suggestion,

"Alright Marky, just for you. Anyways we better hurry to Geo before a hall monitor gets us sent to the principal." I quickly nodded, not wanting to actually get in big trouble and potentially risk my parents not letting me go out with Nicholas. 

And so we were off, that adriniline snapping through us with the lustful smirks and taunting touches throughout class. Today would be a really fun day. 

**Shawn's POV**

It was right before lunch, mere seconds before what used to be torment but was now an actually enjoyable period of the day. Honestly, it was odd that just like during Christmas and Thanksgiving, the popular kids didn't ignore me or worse, torment me. I actually got a small "Happy V-Day" from Felix and a piece of candy from Iris. Of course my friends gave me cards or a hug, but what I didn't expect was Louis Beckett to come walking up to my locker with aan awkward smile and a few things in his hand. 

He seemed extremely nervous, shaking as he held out a small bouquet of red roses and a bar of dark chocolate which oddly enough was my favorite type of chocolate. He then held me a note and his shoulders raised while his face seemed to become rather flushed while I was opening the letter. 

He still stood about a foot back from me as I read this note. My heart began beating as I realized this wasn't just your everyday love confession or stupid valentines note. No, this was much darker, probably what I would label as the fourth note.

_Hi Shawn, I guess you’re probably thinking oh great Louis who fucked up everything has the audacity to give me some shitty love confession. Well, you’re right but not really but-_

There was a lot of scribbling following that phrase but soon the letter seemed to continue. 

_So, Chandler left me in a bad place. I don’t know if you noticed but even after everyone just started excluding him and giving me attention my mental health was just shit. Everyone knows me as the poor kid who was sexually abused by Chandler Roberts. I hate that label. I can’t explain exactly how it felt but it didn’t feel good to hear all the gossip and rumors. I just started recessing to the point I only sit at your table now- im sure you’ve noticed despite the fact that I usually keep my mouth shut._

_I saw you healing from what Chandler did to you and what I did to you and I tried to do the same thing and honestly I look up to you and respect you and admire your recovery even if it isn’t perfect. I owe you an apology though and I think its one of the reasons I still feel like I deserve to get beaten by Chandler and feel awkward without those bruises he left._

_I’m so sorry for what I did to Matthew. I was so stupid. I didn’t know at that time that Chandler was trying to get Matthew to commit suicide. I just did what Chandler said but I still wanted to be your friend and next thing I know Matthew is dead and it's my fault. I wish I could tell him sorry myself but I can’t and I swear to god I’ve thought about suicide. I did it a lot and just something about seeing you happy made me want to keep trying but I’m losing myself._

_I’m so glad you’re alive because as stupid it is you’re my reason to live. I wanted these feelings just to die along with everything else but they won’t. At this point, I know I admire you more than just as a friend and I hate myself for that. Just go on being happy because that makes me happy even if you don’t like me- er in a romantic sense. I don’t deserve forgiveness but you deserved this apology.’_

I skimmed over the note a few more times after reading it before glancing up at Louis who looked like he was on the verge of tears, his fingernails digging into the back of his other thumb. Louis was so much taller and stronger than me, to see him standing there all anxiety-driven and sweaty was almost chimeric. 

I realized that my permanent grimace was probably half the reason for his panic, so I quickly snapped out of it and actually let my emotions reflect through my expression, feeling myself grin. Why was I grinning? Emotions could be so uncanny that I honestly didn’t know.

I shrugged, stuffing the letter into my locker and tearing open the chocolate right in front of him, picking off a piece and handing it to him before biting into the bar. He stood there with the chocolate in his hand, blankly looking at me devour the glorious creation that is dark chocolate. 

Shutting my locker and then using my wrist to smudge off the chocolate from my cheek, I then turned to Louis and finally moved, though not speaking quite yet, though what I would say was clearly what the blonde anticipated. 

I hugged onto him for a hot five seconds, so in realistic terms about twenty seconds of just hugging onto him. He hugged me back which oddly enough I appreciated, though I’d never admit it I really did enjoy a good hug and Louis was definitely one of the people I’d be okay with hugging onto from now and then. 

Once I let go and pulled back I just took another bite of the chocolate and finally spoke though my words continued to leave Louis in the dark about any feelings I had. 

“Not gonna lie, I’m kinda hungry so can we go eat? Actually that’s not a question c’mon.” I said, taking his hand in mine and dragging the speechless blonde behind me and into the cafeteria. 

I don’t know anything other than the fact that I thought Louis Beckett looked extremely cute in glasses and a scarf. My other feelings at that point are to be figured out later. Right then my mind was focused on lunch while my heart tried to punch me in the face for not answering the poor kid’s questions.

We walked into the lunch room holding hands, though I wasn’t putting much thought into the action. He seemed to get fervidly nervous as kids stared at us, especially Chandler who sat in the dark corner of the large room, staring daggers at us. We were the kids that screwed his entire highschool life. 

I kept walking, grabbing some crappily made quote end quote food. I slid the grease fest that was the grilled cheese onto my tray and quickly dragged Louis and his food all the way over to our table, keeping relaxed as I pushed him into the nearby chair, taking my seat right next to him. 

Just barely, I moved my chair closer to him and blatantly ignored the stares that I was getting from the others. They could stare all they wanted but couldn't hide the fact that they were infatuated with the depressed emo and once renowned frat boy holding hands.

“So did someone get a blowjob in the school bathroom or what?” Mark questioned cheekily smiling as he leaned onto the table, his soda nearly fizzing over the edge. I still couldn’t quite see that depression that apparently snuck behind him. He was just too sarcastic and fun. 

I rolled my eyes, leaning back in the chair while Louis just blankly stared forward. He hadn’t said much for a while so he was put on the spotlight out of nowhere. 

“No we didn’t do that. Hush it e-boy.” Louis responded, stuffing his face with salad the minute he was done. Ah, top tier insult right there. Then again it did seem to ignite some sort of flame within Mark. The guy wouldn’t restrain himself from arguing with Nicholas, probably because his boyfriend still didn’t like the guy too much.

“Oh, I would frat boy, but when it comes down to that so intriguing verboten bullshit I’m all in on it.” I nearly groaned once Markus finished talking. Christ he had started a war.

“Even if we did have something there's nothing quote on quote verboten about it.” The blonde responded as I watched on with Nicholas and Brooklyn who both seemed very engaged in the two twink’s argument. Markus of course retorted that statement, leaning further onto the table and smirking as if he was winning.

“Yes there is! Louis, you’re like the iconic hot athletic guy who despite trying to go back to nerdy is still thought of as said athletic jock. If you suddenly start doing gay stuff with Shawn then that’s one-hundred percent verboten.” Nicholas and Brook both nodded in agreement and if I was in a different mood I might have nodded as well, but I just wasn’t motivated to do that. 

“I think they have socks on though.” Nicholas added on, nudging Markus. 

“Oh shit, really? I was getting excited.” He groaned kicking back as if the news was some of the worst that he’d heard. I just scoffed and slouched back into my hoodie. Of course, the little demon rats known as the bitchy girls had to bring an end to the shitshow that seemed to be throwing down.

“What you talking about Mark?” Iris asked, leaning uncomfortably over the table so that her tits were hanging out for all the poor world to see. It was a table of mostly gay boys I don’t know what the whore was doing.

“About how I’m going to get fucked up the ass tonight. Your slutty nature is rubbing off on me from you standing six feet away. Maybe back up a bit before I end up moving under the table for Nick.” Iris just rolled her eyes at him while Elizabeth began to speak.

“If your relationship wasn’t so scandalous then we wouldn’t bother talking to your fat ass.” It was said with a joking tone, but everyone noticed Mark tense up. He seemed to recess from the attention.

“Liz, would you take your whore ass back to your table of sluts?” Nicholas grumbled, glaring at the blonde as if she were the bane of his existence. I didn’t like her either.

“Only if Brook promises to tell me if you get caught on your knees with Mark!” The vally girl pitch in her voice made me squeamish but luckily it faded with laughter as she and her friends all left.

“I will if he even tells me. Just leave before one of them strangles you.” Brooklyn quickly shouted out, also passing a wave to Helen. Luckily that was the end of that ordeal and finally the beginning of another.

“Change of topic, the picnic. You guys still up for this?” Brooklyn questioned, rubbing her hand against the metallic button of her thermos. I nodded my head as everyone else nodded in some form of unanimous decision. Nobody was willing to break from the tradition.

I supposed that since brooklyn was invited and invited by me i was finally starting to accept that she wasn’t Matthew’s replacement. Even though it hurt that he wasn’t here Brooklyn was a good person.

“Yeah but I got a group therapy thing with Mark and Lou right before, so Nicholas is coming to pick us all up.” I explained, not as quiet about the whole group therapy thing as I should’ve been since neither Markus nor Louis were aware that my dipshit of a mother had recommended some type of group therapy to the therapist. 

“Group therapy?” Mark questioned, eyes wide and shoulders raised. I quickly realized it would’ve been best if I had just kept my mouth shut. 

“Yeah the therapist thought it would be a good idea if the three of us came together to discuss things I guess.” I explained, though my interest in the subject was extremely halfhearted. Nobody appeared enthusiastic and I couldn’t blame them. I wasn’t exactly happy with it myself. Louis didn’t seem to react much, just continuing to stuff his face with his food. 

“I hope that ends well.” Nick said, though that underlying tone of complete disbelief still stood there. It most likely would end in a downwards spiral of discomfort. 

“Not sure if its the best idea for you two. Especially if you might be together.” Mark had a point, if I suddenly decided to date Louis and we ended up in some shitty counseling session then I wouldn’t put it past the therapist to expect us to get very personal. 

“Maybe if we all smoke weed before then we’ll be too stoned to care.” I suggested. Even though I’d stopped getting high for the most part I totally wasn’t going to show up to group therapy with Louis sober. 

“This is literally the only time I’m willing to agree on getting stoned with you.” Louis said, though he was trying to smile and clearly felt awkward. The kid wasn’t used to talking at the table, he’d usually just sit burrowed in his scarf and hide from the world. 

I genuinely laughed, putting an arm around him in the smoothest way possible. I couldn’t see his face too well, but his glasses were pushed up on his cheeks while his entire face was smudged with blush. I pushed my fingers through his fluffy mangled hair, sliding through each strand while looking over at Mark and the others. 

“So you two aren’t together.” Markus said, trying his best to refute one option over another. 

“I thought you hated Louis.” Brooklyn added on. Valid point.

“Hate’s a strong word.” I said, pushing myself even closer to Louis. I wasn’t going to give Lou the gratification of knowing any of my feelings. Take it as part of my revenge on him. 

He leaned into my shoulder, barely glancing up for approval. I didn’t give him any response other than just looking back at my friends. Mark just rolled his eyes and laughed, then snatched his phone up and excitedly began talking about a new video game update while Brooklyn added into the conversation by talking about some stupid memes. 

Louis all cuddled into my shoulder and actually being able to smile while talking to my friends all just came together into one restful piece of work. I was finally doing better and as for what would happen between me and Louis, I suppose only time would tell. 

Little did I know in eleven days, the anniversary of Matthew’s death, something big was going to happen.


	23. Finale

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: graphic violence
> 
> also completely unedited so sorry

It had been a few days since the weekend of my life. My relationship with Louis still standing in its stagnant state of perpetual confusion. The best way to describe our relationship is the hopeless lover and sadistic taunter. Part of me would always form the relationship as a part of my revenge, holding him from the gratification of a true answer. This was nothing but a fabrication made my my own delusional bullshit. I didn’t want to greet the idea of a relationship and that was the reality. I was just hesitant to finally get together with someone new, especially if that someone was Louis. 

Neverminding all of that, there I was on that fateful Tuesday morning. I sat bored out of my mind as my Biology I teacher explained most of what I had already learned in years prior, just causing my brain to drift away as my hand began to bear the new pressure I put on it. 

With each second I leaned a little more left, my elbow further sliding against the slick fake wood of the desk. I just barely felt my headphone jack tug on my phone as I glanced over at Louis who similar to me, looked bored out of his mind, huddled in a scarf and leaning on his desk. 

His messy blonde hair was ruffled up because of his constant movement, just giving him a very sloppy coffee guy vibe. At a closer glance I could see that though he was slouched over he had a metallic rimmed pencil dragging across his paper, though the teacher wasn’t giving any information for notes so as to what he was writing, only my mind could wonder. 

Luckily for us, the bell suddenly blurted out and the teacher let out an exasperated sigh as she reluctantly ended her lecture. Louis stood up, grabbing his cup of coffee and backpack from the side of his desk. He pressed his lips to the edge of the cup and pushed it back just a little before cringing at the cool taste of what was once a creamy warm latte. 

“You coming or are you going to sleep here?” Louis questioned, pushing his hand onto the rim of my desk and looking down at me. I pushed my headphones around then stood up, swinging my bag over my shoulders. 

“Heh, screw you I’m up.” I grumbled, greyly putting my arm around his shoulder. He smiled, trying to ignore the fact that I was straining my arm to get it on his shoulder due to how much taller he was. 

“I don’t get you. You’re so gay.” Louis said as the door shut behind us. He was grinning, being slightly sarcastic.

“And you aren’t?” I said, nudging him in the side. He snickered, leaning back on his heels for a second or two.

“I’m bi so half way there.” He rarely talked about his sexuality, so this was a nice little nod to the fact that he was bi. At the end of the day he was so relaxed about it, like it was a part of him that he was genuinely content with.

He looked up to me because I overcame the abuse I went through, I guess I looked up to him for how he was content with himself.

“So comfortable with your sexuality, damn teach me. It’s hot.” I said. My arm nudged into the edge of his ribs jokingly. He just laughed, pointing his hand down at my pride pin, the old broken thing that hung weakly off of my headphones. It was from way over a year ago, I held onto the sentimental thing that had been battered and beaten as much as I had. 

“You managed to slip into pride in another town by being driven by your anti-lgbt parents. You’re about one-hundred times more prideful than I am.” He had a point there, that was a week I’d never forget. Without much thought I then spoke the truth, 

“I’m just super ballsy.” That was the long and short of it. I’m a fucking idiot who risked coming out as gay just to go to pride with my boyfriend. Louis just rolled his eyes, the two of us soon popping the door to the english room open, being met with the zen teacher’s room’s olfactory idiosyncrasy. The freaking lavender candles only made me want to sleep more. 

I looked around the area only to see that Mark and Nicholas weren’t there yet, but Brooklyn and Helen managed to slide into the class before us. I suspected that Mark was just in a sour mood about PE being the period after this. The coach still hated him and I think that the coach actually poked on him for his weight a few days back. The guy just couldn’t catch a break. As to why Nick wasn’t here I guessed that he was either hiding out with Mark or trying to drag him to class. 

One good thing about the class was that I didn’t see Chandler sulking alone in the darkest corner of the classroom as usual. His presence just irked me to the bone, so him not being there just helped me vibe. 

Helen leaned over her chair and looked at me and Louis, cheekily grinning.

“Sup gay boys?” She tauntingly greated, her back pushed into the desk while her hands cuffed over the chair. Brooklyn put her phone down, staring up at the two of us and grinning. 

“Nothin much, how about you lesbos?” I questioned, sitting on top of Louis’ desk. 

“Oh well, Iris finally decided to have a small party at her place. It’s gonna be on the third of March. Chandler won’t be there. We’ll make sure his rapist ass stays away from Lou Lou.” Helen explained causing Louis to just awkwardly tilt his glasses and look back up at me. Of course I immediately responded with my usual attitude, fuck all in every way. 

“If the party entails making out with a certain hot guy and getting wasted I’m in.” Brooklyn just laughed it off and smiled over at Louis. Her hand was moved so it was under the desk and she just barely cocked it so that Lou could see her give the thumbs up. The girl was trying to give him the okay sign on me liking him.

**Nicholas' POV**

I didn’t usually have mental breakdowns, especially at school, but I couldn’t find Markus and I knew he was at school. My worst fear was that Chandler had somehow gotten a hold of him, and if that were the situation then god knows what he was doing to the guy. 

I rounded into the bathroom, the crappy door slamming shut behind me. I rushed over to the sink, pushing my hands into the sink and smacking the metal handle. Water pushed in a flood over my hands and dragged over the veins of my wrists. I pushed my hands up and smacked the water into my face, drenching my skin and wetting the roots of my once perfectly done hair.

In the mirror I looked like a washed up mess. Tears were nearing the edge of my eyes as I felt that pounding regret just crawling up my spine. I’d always been so ignorant to what it felt like to have someone I love being beaten, something Shawn knew on the regular that I’d blissfully ignored. I just wanted to be happy and for Mark to be as well. 

Now I was in a dry panic over him, praying that he wasn’t being hurt like he had been so many times before.

As I bent over on the counter in near defeat, I heard a devastated whimper followed by a small sound of someone’s shoe sliding against the bathroom’s moist tile. Out of an odd desperation, I just feignly choked out.

“Don’t know who you are, but have you seen Markus? We’re in freshman year.” The other guy sort of shuffled around before responding in the most drawn out, tear choked up voice.

“Nicholas!” One would think a wave of relief would push over me, but no. I felt immediate worry, quickly slipping into the stall that my boyfriend was in and huddling next to him, I myself, was crying as well.

“Thank fuck- oh god, I couldn’t find you anywhere.” I managed to say, my arm pushed so that it was holding Markus even closer to me. He was absolutely drenched in tears, full on bawling.

“I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry.” I watched carefully as he curled closer to me, desperately clinging to me as if he was somehow safe from his own demons while in my arms.

“What happened? Are you okay?” I asked, brushing my hands through his hair, each strand just fluffing up against the next as he shakily breathed against my chest. He nodded a little, laughing at himself for crying.

“Yeah- I fought with my mom.” He choked up on that last word, his mom. His mom was so close with him back in november but things had taken a dark turn when his dad didn’t accept him. His mother became more strict but still insisted that she accepted him with all her heart even when she did point out a lot of the homophobic things his dad said as truths. 

I kept quiet and let him talk, wanting to know what had been going on.

“I told her I didn’t want to go to therapy anymore because I think I’m doing better. Like I don’t wanna hurt myself anymore and I feel better about life in general. You make me so much more happy and I just-” He started crying once more, almost hyperventilating. I pushed my hand against his back, stroking his spine and carefully hugging onto him. 

“She told me she didn’t believe me and that I still needed help because some of my behaviors weren’t normal yet. Xavier then looked at me and asked me if I took my meds. I yelled at him and told him to shut up so he fucking called me insane. My mom then told me to be nice and take my medicine. I yelled at her some things that I do regret but oh my god-” He gasped in, then tugged on my shirt so hard that I thought he would tear it. Luckily his grip loosened, revealing that he’d clawed into his hand and left some marks. I tried to hold him closer, shaking as I held him. I was barely holding back tears from seeing him like this. God I hated it. 

“I told her I hated her and everyone else in my home and screamed that I didn’t want to take the medicine because it doesn’t work. She then said oh fine don’t take it. Then-” Another pause, He bit onto his lip this time. 

“She told me why don’t I go and move in with you because I hate my family so much.” He’d finished speaking this time, helplessly holding onto me. I just kept breathing, holding him close and trying to assure him everything would be okay with some silent movements.

At some point we ended up in a position where Mark was sitting in my lap facing me while burrowed into my shoulder. I had to take his head off of the bone and quickly move so that I could press my lips into his while also tangling my fingers into his. 

“I’ll be by your side Mark. You gotta sort things out with your mom- and dad. I’ll be with you every step of the way.” I told him while he used his free hand to scrub away any tears still clinging to his face.

“Okay- heh.” He giggled a little, pushing forward to kiss me on the cheek.

“For someone who laughs so much you cry a lot.” I noted, trying to cup his cheek with one hand while holding onto his palm with the other. He actually retorted my statement in his own little verse.

“You’re pretty transparent sometimes for someone who’s an actor.” Truth be told I was, but I at least faked being shocked that he’d dare call me transparent. Leaning onto the stall’s edge I dramatically said,

“I’m hurt.” Markus just rolled his eyes and stood up off of me, reaching a hand down to yank me off of the nasty floor. Almost at the moment I stood up, the bathroom door snapped open and in walked a hall monitor who luckily couldn’t tell the two of us were in the same stall of the two stalled bathroom.

“You all are about to be late to class. Hurry up or get a pink slip.” I almost growled at that. I wasn’t done talking with Mark and they so rudely interrupted, but being the more rule oriented of us, I decided to take the lead and start to push the stall door back open. Markus wasn’t having that actually, he took me by the edge of my shirt and yanked me right back in.

The look on his face could only be described as devilish by an onlooker but to me I saw that deep rooted lust that had suddenly spiked through him. We’d definitely have a more serious talk about fixing things with his mother later, but right now was out moment. 

“Fuck the pink slips.” Mark whispered, grabbing the rim of my shirt and kissing me. He put his arms around me signaling what exactly was going on. See, we’d had many bathroom encounters. If he hugged me it would mean we were most likely going to kiss a bit and talk, maybe make out but it was unlikely. If he put his arms to the side of me or pressed on me we’d be making out. If he dragged his hand downwards or got on his knees I think that it’s obvious what we’d be doing for the next ten-ish minutes.

Right now it was just a kiss or two, just two guys, hugging on each other and whispering sweet nothings. He was able to breathe and so was I. Things would be sorted out with his parents later. Again, it was just us, and our moment.

**Brooklyn's POV**

The lavender candles were really getting to me, damn did it make me sleepy. If the calming light of the room wasn’t already enough then that was the cherry on top. Luckily, she had split us into groups where we were meant to discover what everyone else's opinions were on the book Sarah’s Key. 

My group of Shawn, Louis, and Helen of course said nothing other than the brother is dead, dead as hell. Then we began talking about random things just to pass the time. 

“I’m bored let's talk about the future.” I brought up in an attempt to kindle some flame between Louis and Shawn once more. Their passions might just hold some similarities. Shawn shrugged, leaning back in the chair to the point that any teacher that saw would snap at him.

“I wanna be a psychologist. People need help and I want to help people who struggle like I have.” He really did have plans for the future. Just to think that months prior he had a loaded gun pointed at his head with his thumb resting on that slick metal trigger, just aching to pull down.

Louis smiled, taking a sip of his drink and telling his own plans.

“I guess I’d wanna be a surgeon or some sort of doctor. I think saving lives might help me live mine?” I kept silent as the two conversed, actually agreeing on various things such as children, jobs, and schools. They were both genuinely interested in what the other was saying. I was smiling so wide that even Helen noticed, nudging me.

“I think they’re cute together- let them converse and tell me what you think about the future.” She said, doing just what I needed to and reminding me that there was still a conversation at hand between the two of us. I just barely tore my attention from the two boys and thought of an answer. 

“I really don’t know. I want to do something law related because I want to bring justice to certain situations.” I explained, thinking of many times that I had seen horrific crimes go lightly punished. The system really needed some good hearted people.  
“Same, I really got an interest in crime when nobody arrested Chandler for what he did to Louis.” Helen explained, anxiously ruffling her hand through a strand of her hair before gasping in and whispering to me some new tea that she had forgotten to bring up. 

“I’ve seen Louis crying so many times lately. Honestly its scary! Shawn is such a good guy to be his friend. From what I heard Shawn doesn’t have the best home life and Louis has been having him over a lot. I also heard that Louis asked Alexander for advice on how to get someone to like him.” I shrugged, knowing that at the end of the day it all came down to if Shawn was going to reciprocate those confusing feelings that seemed to pester Louis so often. They had chemistry and there they were talking and laughing together.

Shawn was talking about the future, explaining how he was happy now and wants to make other people happy then, but also profit because money. Louis was shyly talking about how he didn’t think he’d ever find a soulmate or anything but hoped to have a family one day.

The teacher then brought our attention back to the front of the class, forcing us to moves desks away and for Shawn to stop leaning in his chair. The discussion then began, finally driving forward actual learning, something we did very little of.

“Louis Beckett throw away that drink- and Shawn stop leaning in your chair. Now class-” She paused as did the rest of the class. There was a weird sound that came from a bit away, almost as if a vsco girl had dropped her hydroflask. Nonetheless, everyone dismissed the sound and went back to listening to the teacher.

“And what did everyone think of the girl Sarah befriended?” She asked, hands shooting up across the classroom as if nothing was wrong. I just leaned forward, groaning and hoping that the class would be over soon.

Seconds later there was a second sound followed by something much, much more unnerving. There was an ear piercing scream of someone in a lot of pain. There had been a pop and someone screaming in pain, gunshots. The door to the classroom burst open, revealing Markus and Nicholas who both appeared to be pale as ghosts, though there didn’t seem to be any injuries. Everyone was confused, debating what to do while the teacher rushed over to the two boys.

“What the fuck-” Shawn said, looking back and fourth, his shoulders raised. Louis looked pale, like he was about to throw up. His hands were shaking and appearance growingly more petrified. 

“No fucking way those were gunshots.” Helen dismissed, waving her hand in the air despite it being dead obvious how doubtful she was of her own claim. I quickly switched my attention over to Mark and Nicholas who were both scared out of their minds and talking to the teacher.

“Where were you two?” Our teacher questioned, though the sternness was lacking. In a fit of panic Markus answered lawfully.

“Making out in the bathroom. We heard a noise and left to see if anyone was hurt but when we heard screaming and another shot we ran. Someone got shot in the school.” Panic immediately spread through the room, some kids standing up and others freezing while some took out their phones, texting people and panicking. The teacher didn’t lecture them one bit, running to the back of the room and grabbing the school phone while telling us all to get in a lockdown position. 

Markus quickly put the board over the door’s window while Nick pushed a desk in front of the door. Every single student huddled into the back of the classroom. Helen cuddled up in my arms, phone in hand texting her parents, I hadn’t even thought to do that. Louis was in a state of near hysteria while everyone else was just a blur. I could barely breathe. 

There was another gunshot except, much, much closer. A guy screamed but not in pain, rather for help, indicating that he was running. The second scream was much different and soon followed by silence. Louis was curled up in Shawn’s lap shaking, crying, and gasping for air while Shawn himself was on the verge of a mental breakdown.

Markus curled up in Nicholas’ arms, slowly but shakily tugging on his phone. That’s when the door handle shook, a shot was fired and then the door was slammed open, the lock having been torn to shreds by the gunshot. I felt my vision start to blur with what at the time I failed to recognize were tears. 

**Shawn's POV**

It wasn’t much of a surprise who rounded the corner. That deranged smile and messy blonde hair tangled into a mess. His sadistic nature just had to round at some point, perhaps the isolation drove him to this mess. Chandler was shooting up the school, finally getting his revenge on everyone who ruined his life. 

Louis was in a panic, curled up into my side and sobbing hysterically, though given the situation who could blame him. It was terrifying. Some students stood up and ran into the hallway past Chandler, and taking Louis’ hand in mine, thats just what I did.

He was choking on his own tears as we ran past bleeding out students and puddles of blood while I myself was beginning to tear up. I was finally happy and now everyone I loved was in grave danger. The smell of blood was almost metallic, a horrifying sight. My sock got wet when I nearly slipped on a splatter near a dying body. 

Clinging onto Louis I slammed open the doors to the hallway that lead to the boiler room and dragged him into a closet that lined the desolate hallway.

Louis, in his fit of utter hysteria, clung onto me and began to mumble out over and over.

“I’m gonna die. Somebody is gonna die. Please don’t die. I don’t- I can’t” He was practically unintelligible past that point, and my heart began picking up pace. His sweaty hands pressed into my chest as my phone slipped from my pocket, revealing that it had been going off like crazy. 

I   
Louis, in his fit of utter hysteria, clung onto me and began to mumble out over and over.

“I’m gonna die. Somebody is gonna die. Please don’t die. I don’t- I can’t” He was practically unintelligible past that point, and my heart began picking up pace. His sweaty hands pressed into my chest as my phone slipped from my pocket, revealing that it had been going off like crazy. 

I quickly slid my finger across the screen and turned it on do not disturb before checking the messages from my hysterical parents. I knew they still didn't accept me but they didn't want their son dead. 

I couldn't process the texts, shoving my phone back into my pocket and pushing my head against the wall. Tears were practically flooding my face at this point even though I kept my fists clenched and tried to stop crying. 

I could tell Louis had gotten a bit banged up because he'd thrown himself on the floor at some point and started hyperventilating while I shakily breathed as I heard more gunshots. 

At some point I was sure I recognized the screams as screams of my friends. I wasn't ever going to be sure if they were or not because I wasn't planning on leaving the closet. 

At some point Louis gripped onto me and started crying into my shoulder while I was still in a state of utter shock and fear. 

"Oh my god. I don't want to die." He said, clinging to me like if he let go he'd die, and honestly maybe that was true. 

"Listen, he wants your ass dead. I can't promise I'll stay in here. You aren't leaving. He wants you dead more than anyone else in this damn hellhole." I explained, pushing Louis' face back so that I could hold onto his cheek which was drenched. 

Of course his next moment left me stagnant and rather conflicted. He pushed forward and pressed his lips against mine in some sort of kiss. I tasted blood from his lip, cringing at the metallic taste. 

Once he pulled back he wiped his lips and sucked in a breath before backing against the opposite side of the closet, near the door. I couldn't see too well, unable to see where exactly he was bleeding but I was willing to bet he just tore open his lip. 

When the door clocked open, smacking right next to him. He dropped to the floor as if he had some sort of automatic reaction. He'd very clearly hurt his arm in the process, whimpering as he huddled next to a shelf. 

I myself felt my heart beating fast enough to kill as I stared to see who was standing in the doorway. Who it was could mean life or death. 

**Nicholas' POV**

It was probably one of the few moments in my life that I began actually letting that trauma from events previously in my life actually catch up to me. Unlike the kids who fled, I laid there behind a desk, holding onto my boyfriend motionlessly. 

It wasn't too much of a surprise to see Chandler standing there with a deranged smirk and a gun in his hand. His life and future had been ruined, and it was a miracle he didn't get expelled. If anyone was going to do it. It was him, but that just made it more terrifying. 

"I want my mom. I-I oh my god." Markus whispered as one shot was fired and hit Alexander who was merely feet away from us. Right, Markus had fought with his parents before running off to school. If anything I wanted him out of this alive. 

"Same- I've got you though. Don't move." I replied, keeping my voice as quiet as possible while Markus and I both stared at Chandler who seemed to be focused on hurting as many people as possible. 

I watched him kick a desk over on someone, not wasting a bullet on them. Markus whimpered, looking up at me absolutely terrified and looking for some comfort. Quickly, I gave him some advice, wrapping my leg over his. 

"Close your eyes and hold onto me okay." Unfortunately it didnt seem like that would work for long especially when I noticed Chandler look over at us. He carelessly and coldly stared at us both, reloading his gun and pointing it over. 

"I'm scared, please dont let go." Markus whispered, unaware of chandler standing right there. 

I braced for the first shot praying like crazy that it would miss, but it didn't. Markus yelped out in pain as the bullet pierced his arm. 

"Holy shit! Ow ow-" He said, then whining out in pain as blood began to seep from his arm, rushing down his scarred arm. The sanguine substance trickled down over top his wrist and onto my lap, but Chandler wasn't done.

Another shot was fired, clearly meant for me, but once more the pain didn't hit so I assumed that he missed because nobody else cried out in pain. Using my acting abilities I faked passing out, though my body looked tense.

I heard Chandler's shoes skid against the floor and the door handle cock to the side with the metallic creak it usually was accompanied with. 

Thinking I was safe, I opened my eyes and that was when chaos ensued. The second shot hadn't missed. Markus was out cold, blue hair seemingly dyed red and hands both painted with blood. 

He wasn't moving or at least to the point that I could see with my eyes barely cracked open. My shirt was even stained with his blood, and out of pure instinct and horror, I jolted up, grabbing onto him silently, panicked and feeling sick to my stomach. 

The carnage before me was awful to look at, and of course my hand was interlocked with his. He said not to let go and there was no way I would even if his blood was soaking my skin. 

Before I could even hug him again, Chandler smirked as he peaked back in the room, laughing sadistically as he pulled the trigger and suddenly I finally felt the pain, almost like numbness followed by a flood of agony. Just like he'd known we were watching in that hallway all those months ago, he knew I was still uninjured and swiftly achieved his goal. 

**Brooklyn's POV**

Shawn and Louis both looked like they had heart attacks, bent over and holding each other on the floor. They were both in tears but nowhere near in the amount of hysteria I was in. Helen was in my arms bleeding out and barely breathing. I needed medical tape at the least and this just happened to be the closet I checked. 

“Thank fuck its just you.” Shawn said, pushing himself off the floor, Louis copying his moves almost to an immaculately repeated degree. It was very clear that Louis was bleeding from the mouth, but he didnt appear to be in much distress about that, rather panicked about the situation in general. 

“Yea are there any bandages in here? Helen’s bleeding really, really bad.” I desperately said, the sickly warm substance trickling down my arms as the bullet wound pulsated. Shawn shook his head.

“Janitors closet. I’ll go with you to the bathroom. There are kits behind the door in each one. Its just across the hall.” He said frantically pushing forward and looking at as screams rang out nearby.

I watched that hesitance in his eyes fade. He would be safe in that closet but he knew damn well that i wouldn’t be able to go alone. Helen was extremely heavy and I couldn’t carry her for much longer.

So with one blink of those blue eyes of his, he turned and looked at Louis before leaning close to him and pushing his lips to Louis’ they held a kiss for just a moment, though it stood as a surprise to all of us. Shawn finally was letting the past slowly off of him. 

Taking Louis’s hand in his, he carefully gave him instructions.

“You stay in here and if the door opens again then take cover and hide. Understood?” Louis, staring at shawn flustered, barely managed to mutter his response through the deluge of panicked tears.

“I trust you. I’ll see you after all of this.”

Shawn didn’t say much more, only nodding, his hands still locked with Louis’ for a few moments. 

The two parted, and the reason clearly due to the rush of the situation. I was drenched in blood while screams neared. The three of us barely made it across the hall before I collapsed on the bathroom floor with Helen weighing me down. 

Louis was left safe in a closet while I watched Shawn swing around the hard wood of the door, the hinges squeaking as he pushed his hand into the slick stone of the wall. His eyes scanned the shaded area before he looped back around, holding a med kid. His hands moved faster than I thought possible as he scrimmaged through the endless supplies, a popping sound echoing from the classroom next door. 

I rolled up Helen's shirt, revealing the wounds to Shawn who stared for a moment or two, blankly examining the wounds as if it triggered something. Markus and Nicholas had stayed in the classroom. Helen couldn’t be the only one dying.

He quickly began bandaging the spot while looking over his shoulder constantly, and it was a good thing he had been. As if on cue, the moment the bandage tore with the final wrap, the sadistic blonde killer pushed his way into the room, gun loaded. 

His smirk grew as he noticed just who was sitting in this room. 

Shawn was the kid who he failed to kill but nearly successfully lead to suicide, though again that failed miserably. Chandler had failed twice on his mission to get rid of Shawn, and through the twitch in his eye it was easy to tell that he wouldn’t fail again. And in that moment, Shawn was given a choice that could have possibly prevented the inevitable.

Chandler walked forward and grabbed onto his shoulder, yanking him by the back of the hoodie while Helen laid raspily breathing in my lap, her eyes just barely looking through clotted tears at the teen who’d saved her life, now in the hands of the most dangerous person in school. I watched as Shawn just barely trembled, turning to face the menacing figure who had a gun pointed and loaded.

Then the bargaining came, Chandler simply asking.

“Where is Louis?” The one person he wanted dead more than Shawn. 

“I can’t say.” Was the sharp retort. Shawn wasn’t going to tell him, even if it meant life or death. He’d told Louis that he would be safe. I felt tears swelling while Chandler’s smirk grew. The gun was lifted, pointed now towards me and Helen, yet his eye contact remained with Shawn. I stared down the barrel of the weapon as Chandler asked Shawn again.

“Where is Louis.” I watched as the captive stared down at the floor, debating his next moves. In my eyes it was either me or Louis, and Shawn would decide that fate, but little did I know what the guy had locked in his mind. 

Shawn hastily wrenched his leg forward, knocking both me and Helen into one of the bathroom stalls and out of Chandler’s range. He whipped around, grabbing onto Chandler’s shirt and tugging his wrist. The gun slipped into his hand for just a moment, and in that split second, he shot the abuser in the shoulder before the gun slipped right back into Chandler’s hands. 

Chandler recoiled backwards just a little at the sudden pain as blood began to drain from his shoulder rapidly. Shawn was still pinned under him, smirking triumphantly as Chandler’s blood dripped down onto his hoodie. 

“See you in hell.” Shawn said. At first, I thought he meant eventually, but soon the realization hit me. Of course my friend had seen it first, watching Chandler’s every move. I didn’t have a chance to scream out while Shawn smiled with that victory he had yet let tears fall within the realization that he’d lost as well. 

Chandler grabbed the gun and shakily pointed it at Shawn. The sadist laughed at him, holding the gun while clutching his wound. Then with the weapon pointed at the other’s head, Chandler pulled the trigger. After one sharp breath, I heard the bullet fire and hit Shawn right in the head, and then he went completely limp.

In that second I just stared, gazing at the blood that ran over my friend’s skull. His body was devoid of life, and the killer just kept grinning, though he seemed a bit dizy from his movements. I felt an uncomfortable amount of bile rising to the back of my throat as my hands shook. 

In my emotional fit, I didn’t notice the loud footsteps outside the door until the officers entered the bathroom. They immediately locked onto Chandler, knowing he was the shooter, and apprehended him, though it was very clear that Chandler was either on the verge of passing out or just extremely weak due to his inability to resist. 

As protocol called for, they didn’t help Shawn or Helen, though it was evident that Shawn was a lost cause. 

In the next few hours I found myself standing in the school yard, the wind blowing through my hair as small droplets of rain smacked onto the concrete, slowly darkening the pavement. Ambulances were just now arriving. Helen and Shawn had been rushed off, apparently Helen’s injuries being much more severe than I had thought.

I looked over to one of the railings near the schools staircase and slowly sunk down onto it, arms wrapped around my body as I kept an eye out for any of my friends or for my mother, but for the most part I just kept holding onto myself, that image of Shawn kicking me and Helen out of danger almost haunting.

I barely caught a glimpse of that familiar curly blonde hair from a few feet away. Louis Beckett stood hastilly looking around for someone, his hands badly bruised and lip drenched in smudged blood. He looked beyond concerned, almost as if he were on the verge of tears.

“Louis!” I called out, knowing that someone would have to hold his hand through this. He didn’t seem to notice my call, but someone else did. Nicholas and Markus were both limping out of the school, assisted by who I assume were doctors, at least they looked the part. Markus looked extremely pale and Nicholas seemed a bit off, holding onto his boyfriend’s blood drenched hand. 

Luckily for them, their parents lived closer to school than mine, and immediately ran up to them. I managed to eavesdropp on the conversation, though Mark and Nick both clearly knew I was listening in and simply didn’t mention it. 

Of course Markus’ parents were the first up the stairs, his mom hugging onto him only for Mark to wince in pain, backing up slightly. The nurse standing next to Markus held her hand up, separating the parents from their child. Mrs. Fletcher was in tears at the sight of her son barely being able to stand, not even minding the rain as she began to inquire with the nurses. 

“Is he bleeding? Oh my god, why aren’t you helping him!” She said as another nurse guided Nicholas and Markus over to the bottom railing of the stairs close to me, motioning for both of them to sit down on the soaked concrete of the brick wall. I stared over at Markus who was just completely still, holding onto himself while squeezing his boyfriend’s hand in agony.

The nurse quickly responded to Mrs Fletcher.

“Ma’am there were other children in critical condition. Your son has been bandaged up, but the moment there is an ambulance available we’ll rush him out.” Mrs. Fletcher nodded, knowing to keep boundaries from her son. It was very clear that he was in immense amounts of pain.

For a while Markus’ parents asked him questions, only receiving hesitant responses in the form of shakey dialogue. Markus seemed to be significantly traumatized, and the bond with his parents was clearly weak, though he seemed to have more energy when answering his mother. At some points He’d just stare at his father blankly without giving any reply to his curative mannerisms. 

Nicholas’ parents ran over and repeated the process though Nicholas seemed to be significantly more open than Markus, perhaps because his relationship hadn’t been tarnished through battles over medication and sexuality.  
“Nicolas! Are you well?” His mother first asked, her thick spanish accent almost off putting. Nicholas didn’t even sound remotely like her. She also appeared to be the strict type, one that held to customs.

“I’m fine. They gave us painkillers for now.” He answered, though he seemed to be so much more focused on the well being of his boyfriend. 

A few more questions into the parental panic, Nicholas’ mom broke the dreaded question at the most inappropriate time possible, though I supposed Nicholas and Markus weren’t even attempting to hide their verboten relationship.

“Hijo, why are you holding his hand like that?” She pondered out loud. Nicholas didn’t even flinch, his hand still remaining interlocked with Markus’. He just allowed Markus to lean on him and stared back at his mother who beyond the panic didn’t seem to truly understand what was going on.

Nicholas seemed completely dry in his actions, still seemingly trying to understand what he’d just witnessed rather than worry about his own familial relationship. He just bluntly responded.

“Go ahead and yell at me. I’m just glad I’m not dead.” And with that line, Markus randomly burst into tears, scraping his palm into the concrete face of the wall and gasping in constantly as if he’d been winded. 

“I’m gonna die.” Was the only sentence he managed out before Nicholas could hold onto him, arms wrapped around his boyfriend’s waist and his hand lifting Mark’s so that it couldn’t further tear apart against the rough wall. I didn’t know what kind of pain Markus was in, nor did I know what he had witnessed, but judging by the way Nicholas protectively grabbed onto him, he clearly wasn't the only one in the midst of a panic attack.

I stared at the two, not even noticing my own mother running up to me with Louis following after her, seemingly just noticing Mark, Nick, and me on the wall. My mother made it first, hugging onto me. I knew she couldn’t take another loss, and this probably gave her a heart attack. 

“Thank god you’re okay.” She mumbled, running her hand through my mangled mess of hair. I just continued to nod, breathing heavily in and out as I realized just how close to death I really had been. 

A few minutes passed of silence. Rain was now pouring, soaking anyone who wasn’t shielded from it, which included all of my friends. As my mom began to back away, talking to Mark and Nick’s parents, Louis finally made his entrance. 

Absolutely soaked and lip chalked with dry blood, he finally came to a halt in front of us.

“Guys! Guys! Are you all okay?” He asked, though it was clear that he was looking for other answers, particularly about his quote unquote friend. Nicholas barely managed a nod as he stared blankly down at the concrete. Markus was incapable of responding, loosely confiding in his boyfriend’s arms.

“Where’s Shawn?” And that was when he cracked the question. I felt my stomach almost invert, heart throbbing as I stared at my friend. He was promised that Shawn would come back. Hell, Shawn said so himself after kissing him, yet I’d watched him die. There was no way he was coming back unless there was a miracle. 

I didn’t even realize that I was sobbing while I gave my response and how that was already a horrible cut into Louis’ hope.

“He was shot in the head. They rushed him to the ER.” Louis fell to the concrete, the side of his palm scraping against the bricks of the wall. I watched as his blood followed the rain, all landing in a puddle on the floor. He just curled up on the floor, arms locked around his knees. 

It got to the point where none of us were responsive other than breaking down in mental fits. 

Markus was soon rushed off to the hospital, same goes for Nicholas. As for me and Louis, we both were allowed to go home. We didn’t get any news for a few hours. I was beyond terrified. 

Sure I may not have been Matthew’s replacement, but I watched the group heal from his loss. No matter what I’d always be proud of my friends for that, dead or alive. But that doesn’t change the fact that I just wanted to go back. I wanted everyone back, because everything had just changed.

I so vividly remembered sitting down on the bus on the first day and meeting Shawn and Louis. Shawn looking out the window with his crutches sprawled across his lap, and Louis still doing Chandler’s bidding and gossiping about his old friends. Then when I entered the school I met Nicholas after a fight with Chandler and Markus who happily skipped over to our lunch table.

Now all of that seemed so euphoric and I felt bad for not savoring it.


End file.
